I’ve reached the point where I’m done of having to always take the first step and make the first move. I am done of having to wait for a positive reaction from you to every action I do. I would like to see you try hard and make an effort to get me, to show me that you too have feelings for me. I have done more than enough, I did all that I could do and tried my best to not hurt my ego. So I think it is now your turn to try, to over-think, have some sleepless nights and maybe get depressed at some point, in an attempt to prove that what I’ve done for you was worth it and that you are making an effort too, to show me that you feel the same way like I do. Do something, I’m giving up on you. Prove me wrong, please I want you to.
With all my heart I wish, and in my head I imagine, the day you come tell me that the same way I do you feel.
I imagine you telling me that you’ve had something towards me ever since you saw me, that I overwhelmed your thoughts, and that I made you nervous. And I imagine myself telling you that you’re the first person I’ve ever developed feelings towards and that you made me do things to never do I swore. And that’s when you’ll tell me that you always longed for the few minutes you see me and loved the couple of hours you spent with me even if we were working, and that day we spent just talking was one of your favourites. I’ll tell you that you have no idea how these days were the ones I was the happiest and that they always inspired me to write something; that you have become my source of inspiration when it comes to writing, my obsession when it comes to thinking and my favourite topic when it comes to talking. You’ll let me know that you were always afraid I don’t have feelings for you because with friendliness I treat everyone I know and you just thought that it might not mean something what I do, and that is why you tried your best to keep your feelings at guard and not show anything until you had a sign to make you feel secure. And this is when I laugh and say that a sign from you is what I always longed for, is what days and nights I kept praying for and its absence is what at times made me lose hope and almost give up on you; but the moment I see your face, all these thoughts behind I throw and I just get so overwhelmed in you. You’ll surprisingly tell me that you never thought I had such strong feelings for you, you believed I had something but just not that intense and I’ll laugh again and tell you that I thought of exactly the same thing. I’ll tell you how I never had feelings before and how I used to laugh at and make fun of couples and hate romantic movies and songs and how you just made everyone I know get their revenge from all the times I made fun of them and underestimated their feelings. I’ll tell you about the day I first saw you and we will get flashbacks and remember all the things we used to do and talk about how each one of us felt at that time and what we thought about and we’ll just keep talking forever and open up to each other; and to me this will be the best conversation ever.
This is something honestly I imagine a lot and wish could happen with all my heart to the extent that the thought that it might not happen, scares me a lot and I immediately push it out of my head. Of course the conversation doesn’t have to go exactly this way; but the declaration of feelings, the flashbacks and explanation of actions, is what I’m longing for and the day it happens I’m sure is going to be on of my happiest if not the most of all, because this is going to be the best conversation I’ve had so far.
If only you knew how I feel about you. If only you knew how I become in front of you. How mentally retarded and speech impaired I become, and the shyness and nervousness that overwhelm me. Things nonexistent in my true personality. If only you knew how the simplest action you do makes me feel. How happy you make me when I see you and how on top of the world I am when I talk to you.
I wish we could throw all the formalities behind us and break all the borders. I wish we could get to know each other more. If only you knew how a casual unprofessional conversation with you makes me feel.
I know I keep telling myself to not have high hopes. I know I keep trying to be a realist. But the moment I see your face all theses thoughts vanish. If only there was a way to tell you how I feel about you, without affecting my ego. If only there was a way to know if you felt the same way like I do. If only…
It is the small details that matter most. Like when you know the things I love or wait for me when I come across. Like when you notice the books I read or remember something I told you about before. Like when you try to extend a conversation a few more seconds or postpone a goodbye and say one last thing before I leave. To me, this is what matters most. This is what you unconsciously do and reflects how you really feel. This is better than some big action you think a lot before you do. That’s why to me, the small things are what makes my day.
The day I see you I write. It’s like you have become my only source of inspiration. My conversations revolve around you. It’s like you have become my obsession. My thoughts are mostly about you. It’s like I have nothing else to think of. And it scares me, because if you don’t feel the same way, then I’m in deep shit.
I can not deny that the happiness you bring upon me, the day I see you and the few minutes I talk to you or the hours working I spend with you, is enough to keep me going on, is enough to make me feel that it’s worth the effort. Although it is proof enough that I’m whipped and totally overwhelmed, it is not something that I am ashamed of. The only thing that’s keeping me from telling everyone I know that I love you, from telling you yourself that I do, is my ego. My dignity and ego. I can’t survive them being hurt.
Say something, do something, or even give me a sign, something to keep me going on, something to give me strength, something to give me patience.
He had me at hello, yes he did. The moment I saw him something within me ticked. And this is when it all started. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s something before I’ve never felt.
-And then what?
I became whipped, totally overwhelmed.
-And what did you do about it?
I did everything I could do, and I’m still doing so; every possible action that might not affect my ego.
-And how did it go?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
-Then why didn’t you just let go?
I also don’t know and I wish if there was something solid I could hold on to.
-And if there’s not?
I can’t even handle the thought.
For how long have I known you to feel this way about you? Do I even really know you? Yes we’ve known each other for months but all we had were a bunch of frequent general conversations; nothing personal, nothing immense, nothing intense.
Then why am I so upset that you might end up having nothing towards me? Is it because you’re my first crush? The first person I have ever developed feeling towards? The first person who attracted me without doing anything at all? The first person who made me do all the things to never do I swore? The first person to make me feel things I never thought really existed before? So, is it because you were a first? Does that exactly have to mean something? I mean, isn’t there always a first time? Why does it exactly has to be the last or the best or the right one?
Maybe you are my first in a lot of things I’ve never experienced before, but that necessarily doesn’t mean you should be my last. Maybe as a first, you were meant to teach me a lesson. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me understand how others feel. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me help others heal. Or maybe as a first you were supposed to serve a purpose I still don’t know of. And when you serve that purpose, and when I know why all this has happened, that will put my restless mind at ease. Until then I will resort to the only temporary solution I have in hand, distraction.
When I have come to face the ugly truth; that it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to work, I felt like I knew it all along. Then what kept me going on so far? Was it hope? Genuine feelings? Competitiveness and the urge to prove myself right? Or the fear of all the time spent thinking, feeling and trying, being wasted and gone in vain? Was it the fear of ending up broken hearted? Was it the emptiness I have been craving to fulfil? Was it the state of mind it brought upon me? Or was it just something that made me happy so I kept doing it?
To be honest, I have no idea. I don’t know what kept me going on till now, and I don’t know if you ever felt the same way I did, or even close. I don’t know if I even had genuine feelings to you and I don’t know if by time they will go.
Of course the idea of it brings misery to my heart, but what brings me some peace of mind is the fact that if it is meant to be it will be, if we are destined to be together then it will happen and that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, I might learn a valuable lesson. And if it is never going to be you then there may be someone out there waiting for me believing I’m too good to be true, and if there’s not, it’s still all good. I have a happy life now and I won’t trade it for the world. I am happy and that’s what matters most.
Here we go again. But this time I will learn from my mistakes. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I will not think about the future or even the past. I will just live the present, enjoy the moment and see where it gets us. To be honest, I really missed you. Missed what I used to do to see you. Missed the way you made me nervous, breathless and made my heart skip a beat. Missed the constant smile you draw on my face the day I see you. I thought I was over you, that it was just a phase, just a crush that will eventually go away. But I guess I was wrong. I don’t want to overthink it, I will just let the days define what it is. And so, here we go again.
Sometimes I wonder, what if my other half is in the other half of the world? How are we going to meet each other? What are the chances that we ever will meet each other? Will we spend our lives with other people because we never met? And if we ever do, will it be too late? Or is destiny stronger than both of us, and the twists of fate will find a way to lead us to each other somehow? Will destiny finally have mercy on me and lead me to the love I’ve been waiting for, that at some point I have given up on? You never know.
Now it seems that a huge percentage is in favour of, that feelings towards me you don’t have. And so I have to set myself to accept this, give up on you and try to stop my evolving emotions towards you. Out loud I say I will do, but deep inside I say no, and which decision is right? I don’t know.
I’ve always followed my heart and my instincts and they’ve never been wrong. My instinct this time tells me to not give up, that there’s hope; and I wish I could trust it, but I’m not sure if it’s really my instinct. It might be my dignity speaking not wanting things to end this way, not wanting all those feelings to go in vain, not wanting to declare defeat. Or it might be my head not processing the thought, not accepting it, not wanting to be a quitter, wanting to try till the last breathe as it always does, and so wanting me to keep going on and not give up.
I don’t know what inside me is holding on to you, but I know I can’t do so. I will let whatever that’s inside me hold on to you secretly as long as it wishes because if one day it ends up to be right, then I’ll proudly say that I always felt it. My visible actions won’t do the same. They’ll do what’s logical and retreat, announce their defeat and try not to have anything to do with you again, so it’s easier to let go. Who is going to be right; my actions or the feelings deep inside, the answer will be provided by time.
I decided to let go and let time decide the rest, what happens next, our destiny and all these sorts of things. Maybe you too can help time in its decision; with your words, with your actions, either or both, whatever you choose.
Why did I take this decision? I have been too smart my entire life to start a relationship I know would inevitably end. I avoided every possible choice that might end up with a heartbreak. I have managed to keep my heart solid and intact all those years, and I’m not willing to risk it now. I am not willing to feel stupid nor am I wiling to break my heart; not for you, not for anyone, not ever.
I don’t know if I love you or not. I don’t know if you’re the one or just another writing material. I can’t be so sure. Honestly, and I give it to you, you are the most confusing person I’ve ever met. You’re the only person I never understood and until now I still do not. I don’t know if I still have feelings for you or if I normally treat you. I don’t know if you still make my heart skip a beat and draw a constant smile on my face or if it’s something else that does so or if I even don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t exactly figure out how I feel nor how you do; and here I’ve reached the peak of confusion.
Time, make your judgement and take your decision. Whatever you bring upon me, prove to me, show me and clarify to me, I’m ready to accept it. I may not know how I feel or how he does, but at least I know I’m in peace with whatever happens now and whatever comes next, because I’ve done my part and now it’s in your hands and his to decide the rest.
Each time I promise and swear that I’ll never try to see you again, I weaken up and forget what I said; I just can’t handle it. I miss you the few days I don’t see you. It’s like you’ve become my obsession, a part of my life that needs to be present, that makes my day feel complete, feel better. Seeing you literally takes my breath away and standing next to you, makes my heart skip a beat; and I just love it.
You’re the only one capable of making me feel happy and sad at the same time. You’re the only one who can release the romance within me from deep inside. You’re the only person who can turn my mood to its two extremes in happiness and misery, make me feel on top of the world then hit rock bottom at the same moment and you’re even capable of the opposite as well. And I just love it.
If only there was something to make you read all the words I write about you. If only I could let you hear how I speak of you. If only you had an idea of what I do just to see you. If only there was a way to let you know, that I’m on the verge of loving you. Yes I am, and that scares me a lot because you refuse to give me any sign to let me know how you feel, but instead you prefer to drive me crazy, and the sad thing is, I just love it.
Men. Stupid, unpredictable, careless, heartless, incomprehensible and any negative adjective you can think of. I am serious. The only reason women are crazy is because men are stupid; the person who said this deserves a noble prize in wisdom.
Movies have been made and books have been written on “what women want?”and I don’t know why on Earth have no one decided to enlighten us and tell us “what the hell do men want?”. I have a good answer: to make us suffer. I believe men like to confuse us and send us mixed signals because they know we overthink, so they’d like to watch us suffer doing it. They like to mistreat us and let us underestimate ourselves so they could feel superior over us. They like to choose the bitches so we give up being good girls, and when we do, they make us feel like we are the evil ones here.
Why can’t they just be straightforward and open? Why can’t they just simply tell us what the hell do they want? Why can’t they be honest? (Yes, men have the ability to lie while they’re lying). I guess the whole point of this is to watch us suffer and go crazy and blame us for whatever goes wrong then.
Unfortunately we know men are the enemy, we hate what they do to us, yet we can’t help but love the enemy, in hope we find that one person from the other side that’s worth handling, that’s worth keeping, that’s worth loving, despite the endless insanity he’s going to bring upon us.
Let’s agree that I’m falling deeply and I’m still not sure if you’ll catch me. I’m afraid to call what I have for you love when I have no idea about me how you think of. I need to know because the deeper I fall it’s harder for me to get up and get over, and I don’t want the first time for me to ever have such strong feelings to end up as a heartbreak, that is something that is going to be really hard for me to take. Give me a sign, let me know I’m doing fine or just leave me alone and let me know you want me gone. Let me know if I should continue falling safely, or stop right where I am and climb back with less injuries. Just let me know how do you think of me and put my restless mind at ease.
Yes I promised not to talk about you for sometime and take a break for a while. Yes I swore to never try to see you anymore, and I’m trying my best so far. I decided to do all this as a desperate attempt to get you off my head. But I’ll be lying if I said I don’t think of you at all, because I do, and a lot too.
I’m trying to stay strong and not go see you but I can’t deny that in every face around me I search for you and in every step I take I pray to come across you, and believe it is the twist of faith and the power of destiny that made our paths intertwine, and made your eyes meet mine. Yes, I’m that hopeless.
I also can’t stop thinking about if I ever cross your mind, not necessarily as obsessively as you cross mine, but at least from time to time. I wonder if you have any kinds of feelings towards me, even if not with the same intensity. I imagine future situations and conversations, and I know I have high expectations, and reality will not be a dream come true; yet I can not help it.
You inexplicably control my mood. Your presence makes my day and talking to you makes me feel on top of the world. Your absence makes my heart grow fonder and makes me think of you even more. You know how to get on every single nerve I have when you do something that pisses me off. You know how to give me sudden and recurrent depression attacks that even chocolate can’t cure. You just mess up with my head in a way no one ever did. You’re the only mind I’ve failed to read, the only person who’s actions I can not interpret. I even think that someday you’ll come to me and make sense of all this mess and end the struggle going on in my head.
I know I sound desperate and again, hopeless. I am. And sometimes I think, maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I’m the one who’s making a big deal out of it. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if these feelings are genuine or are just the creations of my lovesick brain. I don’t know if it’s the challenge of deciphering your actions and interpreting your thoughts that keeps me going on. And in the peak of all these confusions, the only thought that gives me comfort, and for a while silences this endless struggle; is that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, I will be good eventually. I just have to wait and find out my destiny.
When I gave it a thought, why were you my first real crush and what is it about you that attracts me so much, I had no answer. If it’s your looks, I’ve known better looking people. If it’s your personality, I’ve met more charming ones. If it’s the way you treat me, there’s nothing so special about that, it even confuses me sometimes. If it is even all of these combined together, I’ve seen better combinations. I am not underestimating you or saying you’re not good enough or unworthy of the feelings toward you I have, I just don’t get it.
What is it about you that made me have feelings I’ve never had before, what is it about you that makes me ready to do it all, do things I never thought I would do, be someone else I never thought I’ll know, take all kinds of steps and risks, and wait just for a sign, one single sign to show me you might feel the same way I do towards you, or at least have something towards me that someday might grow, what the hell that is, I don’t know.
Just so you know, I don’t want someone better looking or more charismatic, i don’t one someone flawless or perfect, I just want you. And whenever I look at someone now and no matter how great they are, the first thing that comes to my mind is that they are not you. No one is, no one makes me feel the same way you do, no one makes my heart really skip a beat, no one makes me breathless literally, and it is in your hands for it to remain this way, because I have done all that I could do that there isn’t anything I could’ve done and didn’t do till now, so now it is all in your hands, now the choice is all yours, if you either want it to stay this way or want it to end and go away.
If you love me and you’re sure of it (I hope so), I want you to say it to my face, no cute texts please. I want you to say it to me when I’m not at all expecting it because I really love surprises, but I don’t want you to make me wait for too long, because I hate waiting; yes I’m as impatient as a little kid, and that’s not the only childish trait in me.
If you love me, I don’t want you to get me expensive clothes and jewelry, I don’t want you with lots of gifts to pamper me, I don’t even want flowers that will die eventually. I just want you from time to time with something sweet to surprise me (again I love surprises), and get me chocolates because that would be the best thing to ever get me, and they will definitely make me really happy.
If you love me, I want you to handle my frequent mood swings, and know that at the peak of my fury I will laugh in a few seconds. And if I get into my occasional inexplicable depressions, get me chocolates or do something sweet and they will instantly end. You just need to be a little bit patient and tolerant.
If you love me, remind me every now and then. Through actions or words or even both; I don’t care. Just let me know it, because sometimes I need to be reassured.
If you love me, then by now you know that from you I won’t need much, and that for every bad moment you handle I will handle ten, and that no matter what, for you I will always be there. So if you love me, know that you’re the lucky one here, because no matter how much you love me, I will always love you more (just so we’re clear) because that’s who I am and I don’t mind that, and it seems fair enough for me to list a bunch of things I want.
I have feelings and I act upon them. I give it a shot after another but what then. I get not a single sign, nothing solid to hold on to, nothing to give me hope to continue. At some
point as well I don’t even know if my own feelings are true. A huge part of me wishes if it never had met him, and another small one hopes there might be something. The huge part doesn’t want to see him anymore, and the small part doesn’t believe it can handle it. Inside me now occurs a huge battle, a great conflict. A constant inner fight between stopping or continuing, giving up or hoping, and a voice inside my head screaming “What If?”. What if you choose to continue and fail? What if you could’ve succeeded if you didn’t stop? And so the choice now is; to either live with the fear of failure and the thought of what could’ve been, or the fact that at least I tried my best even if I failed. So one more chance I’ll give it, one more time I will try, and the rest is up to him, what happens next is his decision; because by then I will have done my best, and that to me is more than enough to live with.
All I need is a sign. Something to make me sleep at night. To stop the constant inside fight. To tell me I’m doing things right. To guide me and show me the light. To eliminate the possibility that most scares me; that he may not feel the same way like I do. And if he doesn’t, I need a sign to show me that too. So I know that I should back off before it’s too late to do so.
I don’t know about you but I don’t believe being compatible or having good chemistry is a necessity for a successful relationship.
A lot of people rely on these factors and even set them as rules. For example if a couple likes the same kind of music and both love chocolate then they were sure meant to be. On the contrary if they have different personalities or different clothing styles then they are mostly incompatible and are threatened by failure. Seriously?! How many people do you know love listening to rock music and are addicted to chocolate? My guess is that my soulmates are everywhere then, and why I’m still single is not because I haven’t found one, but more likely because I don’t know which one to choose.
Okay, let’s get serious now. When you love someone you don’t actually love them because you have a lot in common. Opinions and thoughts might change and one day you may not have that much in common, so does that now threaten the love? This of course is not realistic and unreliable. Many people I have a lot in common with, to me are just friends. I also know couples who have barely anything in common, yet they still love each other; their differences somehow complement them and in someway as the cliché line says “they complete each other”.
Bottom line is there are no requirements and ground rules to determine the success of a relationship. Chemistry and compatibility in thoughts, personalities, and opinions; all that doesn’t matter. Not liking the same stuff or not having similar personalities does not mean a relationship is prone to failure nor does the opposite guarantee its success. Ignore the statistics and follow your heart because in my opinion compatibility is just a myth.
I’ve been cheesy, I’ve been cute, I’ve been crazy, I’ve been somebody that I’m not, but then what? What happens next? Yes, I’m doing my best and putting too much effort on it, beyond anything I could’ve imagined, but what if there’s nothing? What if it doesn’t work? Just the thought of it scares me, kills me, and I just can’t process it. What do I do now? Stop thinking and let things happen? I can’t. It’s not something I can control. Try harder until I find out? But what if it all goes in vain? This time it’s going to be hard to get over because it will be ten times the normal pain. This time I’m the one who started having feelings with no solid ground or base, without knowing him well or knowing how toward me he feels, yet on trying and giving it a shot I still insisted. So what happens next?
What he does to me is not fair. What he does to me is starting to get me scared. He makes me nervous, speechless and when I open my mouth I mumble words I didn’t think of. I can’t hold eye contact with him for more than 10 seconds; looking straight into his eyes, even if through his glasses, makes me feel shy and again nervous. I love to listen to him talk and I remain silent not because I’m bored or uninterested but rather because I don’t want to interrupt him and keep his voice flowing in my ears. I love it when he tries to make me feel better about what I’m doing, tries to help me and give me hope, that I just wish I could keep failing to enjoy this some more. I love it when he remembers something I did or told him about, even if it was insignificant, it just makes me happy. He makes me laugh, even if he was making fun of me because I did something silly, I still laugh happily. He makes me count minutes left to see him, literally, and the moment I do, a smile across my face is instantly drawn. I do whatever it takes just to find a reason or an excuse to see him. I do the best I could and I’m willing to take all kinds of risks, I’m doing so already actually. What he does to me is driving me crazy, I don’t remember ever feeling this way before, not at all, not even close. All I want is an explanation for what he does to me, and to know how exactly do I make him feel.
I’ve never been in a relationship. Ever. Sometimes thinking about it makes me feel sad, lonely and unwanted, especially that I’m 20 and my friends have been either moving from relationship to another, falling in love, or being loved, or both, and my biggest love story is with chocolate. Kind of desperate, isn’t it?
When I started working, some of the void in my heart was filled, and doing something I love made me feel like I don’t need anything else, that if I continued my life this way, Doing what I love, I’d be happy. It’s true actually. But what I also realised was that being single for 20 years doesn’t make me unwanted or isn’t because there’s something wrong with me. I mean I’m a catch people! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m talented, I’m a magazine writer, I cook, I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m friendly, I’m a future dentist, I love football, I love reading, I have a great personality, and the list goes on. I know I might have sounded arrogant here but I’m just trying to say that it’s not me who there’s something wrong with, I know I’m not perfect but my merits beat my flaws.
The point here is that I’ve been single for 20 years because I chose it. What? How? I was smart enough to not take silly decisions and get as far as being in a relationship that I know won’t last. I know it when a guy is flirting with me but I choose to stop it before it evolves into something more because I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I chose to save all the emotions and drama to someone who deserves it, to someone I know I’ll spend forever with, to the only person I will really fall in love with, to the one. And how the hell am I going to find out without taking the risk? I’m not sure yet but maybe I’ll just know because if we are meant to be we will be. And so until then I’m single, happy and proud, until the one comes and decides to change that.
To many, music is some background noise to keep them from being bored. To me, music is so much more.
I believe a song can change your mood. If you have a bad day but you play your favorite song for a while, the world doesn’t seem to be such a very bad place after all, and somehow you feel better even if only for the couple of minutes the song is played. Because even if I was crying my eyes out, the moment Shinedown’s Unity or Miracle plays, I unconsciously smile and gradually I stop crying and feel better. The total opposite happens when I listen to Nickelback’s Far away or the Fray’s How to save a life. Even if I was laughing my heart out, somehow the laughter stops and the smile is gone. I remember the first time I heard far away I cried. Because that’s what music is capable of.
There is that song you can relate to and make you feel on top of the world or heal your broken heart. That song that feels like it was made for you, that says what you always wanted to say and maybe at some point tells you what should you do. Sometimes even if you can’t fully relate to it you wish you did, and just believing someday you’ll be there makes you feel a lot better.
There is also that song that lifts your spirit and makes you want to jump off your feet and conquer the world, or at least that’s how Aerosmith’s Dream on, The Script’s Hall of fame, AC/DC’s It’s a long way to the top and Shinedown’s Diamond eyes make me feel. Yes a song can totally motivate you more than a cheerleader squad, and make you feel, even if for a while, that you can do it and that nothing is impossible. Try that studying for exams or before a job interview, it totally works.
Okay when you walk through the streets and your headphones are on and you’re isolated from what’s around you, like you’re in a world of your own, or more like you own the world, haven’t you ever felt that before? Because if you haven’t, I assure you you’re missing a lot because that feeling is priceless and music of course can provide it.
Trust me if you listen to the right music with good lyrics, with meaning and purpose, you can truly feel the power of music and how can a song affect you, and maybe even change your life at some point, just don’t underestimate it. And that’s why to me ultimate euphoria is chocolate, music and a good book; but we’ll get to the books part later on.
When just seeing you, to make my day is enough; some call it true love. And when my heart at your sight irregularly beats; I’m not sure what that means. When I do things I’ve never done before, things to never do I’ve sworn, to others may seem normal but to me extreme, doing whatever it takes just to see you again; I think I might have gone insane. When everyone doesn’t see you like I do, when I don’t want to change a single thing about you; tell me what does that tell you. I don’t know what the hell this is, but I know it’s something for the first time I’m going through, something I’m sure I’ve never felt before, something only God knows what exactly it is. I don’t want to get too overwhelmed, I just want to know what is it. I don’t want to believe it’s something big when it might be just a fling. I just want to get to know you more, so I can know for sure, if it’s finally the real deal, or just a major crush after all.
The obsession is growing, the fantasies are evolving, the thoughts are overwhelming, and a crush is developing. It’s not the first time I know, for me to have such feelings, and for them to grow, and in a couple of months they disappear, like nothing ever happened here. Maybe it happened so fast this time, maybe the intensity is high, and maybe I’m willing to do some effort and give it a try, but that doesn’t make it any more genuine, or make us sure of anything. And the question still remains, is it finally true love, or is it just another writing material?
You’re good, they call you naïve;
You’re kind, they call you stupid;
You’re honest, they call you mean; You open up, they tell you to not bother them; You keep it in, they tell you, you need to let things out; You try to make everyone happy, they tell you, you can’t; You mind your own business, they call you ignorant; You always tell them how you feel, they call you oversensitive; You pretend you don’t care, they call you cold hearted.
It’s not just about your personality. The way you dress, the way you walk, the way you talk, who you talk to, what you love to do, everything you do, everything, has a way of being wrong or misinterpreted or twisted into something else, maybe even something you never actually thought of. No matter how good your intentions are, or no matter how big your heart is, no matter how innocent you are, or no matter how simple you think, they will still find a way to complicate it, make it harder and make you feel not good enough, that there is always something about you that needs to change and when you change it, they’ll either find a way to tell you it’s not enough or ask you to change something else, because they never will be pleased.
Bottom line is, no matter what you do, people will find a way to judge you, criticise you, and prove you wrong. So what should you do? Tell them to go fuck themselves because honestly you couldn’t care less.
I am a strong independent woman that needs no man, and one day I’ll become a successful writer, adopt a little girl and live happily on an island. My sister keeps telling me you’re not romantic and you don’t believe in love.
Am I really a strong independent woman? Yes. Can I live happily alone? Yes. Do I need a man? No. Do I want one? Yes. Am I romantic? Haha no. Do I believe in love? Yes, true love.
I don’t want to fall in love just for the sake of it or just to experience a few happy days and then spend the rest of my life regretting it. I believe true love happens once and only once with that one person aka the one or your soulmate or other half or Prince Charming or whatever names they have for him these days.
I want that person that makes love songs make sense, that makes romantic movies seem kind of realistic, that accepts and understands this big mess (me) with all its flaws and merits. I want that person who makes me finally realize why it never worked with anyone else, why there was never anyone else, why did I have to wait all those years, why they call love magical, and how is my heart supposed to skip a beat. I want that someone that finally doesn’t make cheesy seem funny, that makes speechless adorable rather than silly, and that makes forever and always a reality.
Doesn’t that seem like a little bit too much? This is not a list of certain looks and characteristics, maybe I have one, but these are just a bunch of feelings and emotions that supposedly should be present so I can make sure that what we have is true genuine love and to me that doesn’t seem like much. And the list? Screw the list! If I could find someone that makes me feel this way, screw the list seriously, because then they will be my only list.
What if I don’t ever feel this way? Then I’m better off alone on my island with my beautiful daughter living successfully as a writer. I mean, what more could I ask for?
Real women have curves. Real women don’t curse. Real women take care of their looks. Real women are shy and sweet. Real women are soft and delicate. Real women don’t do tough jobs. Real women cook. Real women stay at home and take care of their kids. Real women sacrifice. Real women, real women, real women…
Who on Earth set the rules and standards that characterise and identify real women? Who on Earth actually decided there should be rules and standards to identify real women?! So if a woman doesn’t follow these standards, then she isn’t real? I guess after 20 years then I’ve come to face the truth that I might be a man, or a fake woman, and I don’t know what the hell that is.
Every woman is real her own way. That woman that stays at home and raises her kids is real. That single strong independent woman that leads a successful career is real. That woman that loves another woman is very real. That woman that doesn’t wear make up and wears jeans and hoodies is absolutely real. That woman with no curves is not less real either. I guess now things are very clear. All women are real their own way. They don’t have to follow certain rules or do certain actions just for the sake of being called what they really are, women.
The only thing a woman should do is be herself and not be ashamed of it or question her womanhood because of it. She should do whatever that makes her happy and not label or classify herself and other women according to unreal standards, because all women are real women.
How many times have you heard the story of a 14 year old getting pregnant or a 16 year old getting married? You will be surprised these are not rare exceptions, yet you may come across them more often than you think.
According to the UNICEF, 700 million women alive today – roughly 10% of the world’s population – were married before 18; and about 250 million were married before 15. The World Health Organization (WHO) also states that approximately 16 million women aged between 15–19 years give birth each year, accounting for 11% of all births worldwide. In low and middle-income countries, almost 10 per cent of girls become mothers by age 16.
IN DEVELOPING COUNTRIES, early pregnancy is a result of early marriage of young girls; but why does early marriage occur?
Parents who live in poverty face tough choices. Giving a daughter in marriage allows parents to reduce family expenses and in communities where a dowry or ‘bride price’ is paid, it is extra income for these poor families. In addition to poverty, many women get married at a young age because they have no other option. This is true for many women in Egypt, where only 24% have paying jobs. The expectation in rural areas is that women will marry, have children, and take care of the household. There are not many other paths open to women with no education. In Menya governorate, Egypt, Aaliyah got married at the age of 14 because her family was very poor and her parents were illiterate. She didn’t know how to read or write, and did not have any marketable skills. There didn’t seem to be any other options for her.
Apart from poverty and illiteracy, another reason caused 41% of women in rural Nepalese communities to get married before 18, love. In Gorkha district, Nepal, 14-year-old Deumaya explains: “I met my husband in the village. He is two years older than me. It was a love marriage – we were in love. We went to another village and stayed there for some time. When we came back, people said we were married.” Deumaya’s story is common in rural Nepalese areas and parents attribute the growing popularity of love marriage to increased literacy and access to mass media. The invasion of modern behaviors, brought by development, media, capital, and migration, now perpetuate early marriage among adolescents.
We now know the reasons but what are the consequences?
Aaliyah says: “My mother in law was very tough with me and my husband used to beat me. The family forced me to do all household chores, so I miscarried my first and second pregnancies. I never had the chance to get antenatal health care.” She continues: “Now I am only 26 years old with three children, I did not know about breastfeeding or child nutrition, my kids are very weak and I did not know how to get my first child a birth certificate, and so he couldn’t join school, lost his chance to get vaccinations and will probably have a poor family because he is uneducated.”
Deumaya is luckily still in school, but she doesn’t know for how long. Her chores in her new household leave little time to study. She says she is happy with her new family, but she says: “If I knew what I’ve now learned, I wouldn’t have married.”
IN DEVELOPED COUNTRIES early pregnancy is a result of unprotected sexual intercourse. In 2013, there were 26.6 births for every 1,000 adolescent females aged 15-19. Nearly 89% of these births occurred outside of marriage; but why?
During adolescence, teenagers often feel pressure to make friends and fit in. The Kaiser Family Foundation states that more than 29% of pregnant teens reported that they felt pressured to have sex, and 33% of pregnant teens stated that they felt that they were not ready but proceeded anyway because they feared ridicule or rejection.
Teenagers are more likely to engage in early reckless sexual activity if they have no guidance and support from their parents. Others refuge to sex and drinking to cope with their problems. Drinking contributes to 75% of pregnancies that occur between ages 14 and 21. Approximately 91% of pregnant teens reported that although they were drinking, they did not originally plan to have sex. These factors were combined together in 16-year-old Melanie’s case. She lost her grandmother after a long illness and her parents’ marriage was floundering and she felt she couldn’t add to their problems by disclosing her difficulties. In an attempt to deal with her pain, she sought comfort in alcohol and a physical relationship which led to her being pregnant, thus complicating her difficulties.
In some cases, it is not actually the teenager’s choice, and the cause is sexual abuse or rape. The Guttmacher Institute states that 43-62% of teens were impregnated by an adult male and approximately 5% of all teen births are the result of a rape.
Early marriage and pregnancy can have devastating consequences for the girl’s and the child’s health. Neither physically nor emotionally ready to give birth, girls face higher risk of death in childbirth and are particularly vulnerable to pregnancy-related injuries such as obstetric fistula. Research reveals that only 46% of pregnant adolescents actually have the baby. The remainder of these pregnancies ends in abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth.
A teenager is no more than a big child. A child can’t handle his own responsibility, let alone the responsibility of another human being, another soul. Children should remain children and enjoy their childhood, and their parents and the society should ensure that they do.
I love music. A song can change my mood, make my day, or even help me feel better regardless of what I’m going through. And when my favourite song plays (Shinedown-Unity) I instantly and involuntarily smile no matter where I am or what I’m doing. Some of you may agree and understand how I feel. Others might be surprised that a song can have this effect on anybody, but it’s just because they don’t know what to listen to.
The music scene has awfully deteriorated in Egypt, not only in Egypt, but also internationally. Seriously, who on Earth called Nicki Minaj an artist or even allowed her to sing? That person probably has never heard music. The songs you hear nowadays is more like noise, it is even unfair to call it music. Not only the singers’ voices suck, but also the lyrics are pointless and lame, and the music lacks rhythm and sensation.
I believe old is gold. You cannot hear Led Zeppelin, Frank Sinatra, or Elvis Presley and not feel anything. The music is overwhelming regardless of the genre, the lyrics are beautiful and totally make sense, and their voices are unquestionable. There are also good new artists but they are not under the spot light like those untalented noise-makers. It seems like what defines an artist nowadays, not the looks, because I’ve seen many hot, good-looking and talented artists not so famous. The standards appear to be how much you can strip off, the amount of crap you say and noise you can make.
I have decided to do humanity some good and tell you artists that should be in your playlists, whose songs may elevate your mood, make your day or even change your life.
Old is gold:
- Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven. Everything else is also epic
- Metallica: The Unforgiven trilogy, Nothing else matters, The day that never comes, Turn the page. S&M versions of Metallica’s songs are unbelievably magnificent and even if you’re not into metal, you’ll sure love them.
- Iron Maiden: Aces high, fear of the dark, two minutes to midnight. I don’t have to keep telling you to listen to everything else, you know the drill.
- Queen: We will rock you, We are the champions, Don’t stop me now, I want it all, Bohemian Raphsody.
- The Beatles: Come together, All you need is love.
- Pink Floyd: The great gig in the sky, Another brick in the Wall, Echoes.
- Stevie Wonder: Higher ground, Superstition.
- AC/DC: It’s a long way to the top, Highway to Hell.
- Frank Sinatra: Can’t take my eyes of you, Fly me to the moon, My Way.
- Elvis Presley: Burning Love
- Ricky Martin: Living Lavida Loca
- Aerosmith: Dream on.
New but good:
- Nickelback: Gotta be somebody, Far away, If today was your last day.
- Joe Satriani: Flying in a blue dream, Until we say goodbye.
- Skillet: Comatose, Open wounds, Awake and alive, Whispers in the dark.
- 30 seconds to mars: Up in the air, Beautiful lie, Hurricane, Closer to the Edge.
- Gavin DeGraw: I don’t wanna be, In love with a girl, Not over you.
- Sum 41: In too deep, noots, walking disaster, we are all to blame.
- Simple plan: I’m just a kid, Vacation, Crazy, Welcome to my life.
- Keane: Spiralling, Love is the end.
- Coldplay: Paradise, Us against the world, Lovers in Japan, Fix you.
- The Fray: Heartbeat, You found me, How to save a life.
- Bethany Joy Lenz: Halo, Feel this, Leaving town Alive, Flying machine.
- Kate Voegele: No good, 99 times, You can’t break a broken heart, Devil in me.
- Tyler Hilton: Glad, Missing you, Loaded gun
I’m sure a lot of you know many other great artists but I told you the ones I know and love, and I hope I was of help. Enjoy the real music!
When I say this show is inspiring and life changing, you have to believe I’m not over exaggerating, and when I say it’s the best I’ve watched so far, know that I’m not about this too either.
I remember the first time I saw it was a complete coincidence. I was seventeen and I was having exams and I thought of watching tv to relax a bit from all the exam stress, and while roaming across the channels I stopped at two hot guys, Nathan (James Lafferty) and Lucas (Chad Michael Murray), they were my age at that season, I loved them, I related to them, and then the obsession began.
One Tree Hill is not one of those TV shows where everything is all pink and perfect or while watching it, you know it’s just acting and it’s fake; no it is not this at all. Actually it was the most realistic thing I’ve seen and if someone could tell me a story like this happened to them I’d totally believe it, actually I can relate to it. I don’t usually believe the movies and shows I watch, and I end up saying it is just good acting and a good script, things like this don’t happen in real life to normal people. I also don’t usually cry during watching anything, in fact the only times I’ve cried were either during One Tree Hill and Harry Potter, my most favourite movie ever, but we’ll get to that later.
With One Tree Hill, it is all different and I believed everything I saw. I lived everything with them. The struggles they went through and how they got over it, the dreams they wished come true, and how they ended up achieving them, not in a perfect fairy tale way, but more like a normal human ups and downs one. It convinces you that if you set your mind to it, if you believe from deep within your heart in it, and get up every time you fall, you can achieve it, it won’t be easy, it won’t be nice and sweet, but if you handled all this, your belief will make you do it, and sooner or later it will all come true, and if it didn’t end up the way you wished for, it may even be better than the what you had in mind before, you just have to believe it is. And here is my most favorite quote from the show: “Make a wish. Place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic; you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it with all your heart.”
A quick glimpse on the show so you know what you’re going to get yourself into. You have the talented basketball player and writer with amazing heart, Lucas Scott (Chad Michael Murray) and the blonde Peyton Saywer (Hilarie Burton) with her passion for music (which I can totally relate to) and her artistic talent. Both have this epic love story, and not the fairy tale type (I insist on that part). There are also the talented basketball player Nathan Scott (James Lafferty) and the smart and talented singer Hayley James (Bethany Joy Lenz) who get married at high school and have the cutest and most adorable kid, who you can learn a lot from, Jamie (Jackson Brundage). No, no, it’s not a cute cliché romance, but you’ll definitely love it. and there is my favorite character in the show and also one of the actresses I love most, Brooke Davis (Sophia Bush). She’s beautiful, smart, funny, kind, passionate and talented and I’m sure you’ll love her like I do, sometimes I feel like we have a lot in common and I can relate to her a lot. In the later seasons you will meet Julian Baker (Austin Nichols) with the inexplicably captivating grin and his love story with Brooke. Also you’ll meet the hot agent with a sexy smile, Clay Evans (Robert Buckley), and the beautiful photographer and Hayley’s sister Quinn (Shantel Vansanten), and you’ll witness their love story which is full of surprises and unexpected twists, you can trust me on that one.
Now let’s talk about the music, which is a huge part of the success and beauty of this show. Apart from Gavin DeGraw’s epic “I Don’t Wanna Be”, the theme song, and all his other great songs which either he played live or were in the background, some other great artists were discovered during this show and I’m a big fan of them actually. As I mentioned earlier, Hayley James (Bethany Joy Lenz) is a talented singer. I love her voice and I actually have her songs on my playlist and I’m a big fan of her music. Chris Keller (Tyler Hilton) is charismatic, hot, has a great voice and I love his songs, which also are on my playlist. Mia Catalano (Kate Voegele) is amazing too, and her songs occupy a huge part of my playlist. Those three are my favorite actually and I even listen to their other songs that were not on the show. Jake Jakelskiey (Bryan Greenberg) appeared in the first few seasons and had a great voice. Grubbs (Michael Grubbs) has a good intense voice that I love and I wish I could’ve heard more of it. Alex Dupre (Jana Kramer) has a beautiful soft voice and you’ll definitely love her music too. Erin Macree (Laura Izibor) with her strong voice and Irish accent is also totally worth listening to. I’m actually surprised they are not as famous as they should be and Nicki Minaj is. I thought it’s the looks that matter now in the music industry, but they are all pretty hot, so I guess the standards have evolved to whoever strips more and sings the lamest words. But you really should check them all they are totally worth it.
I am already making all my friends watch it and that is just not enough. I’m writing this to make as much people as I can watch it, and get inspired like I did. I’m also writing this to thank Mark Schwann for creating something so beautiful and the actors for making it so perfect. I wish I could see them one day and tell them how much they inspired me and how much they made me happy. Maybe when my dream comes true one day and I publish my first book, I can use my influence and see them.
Until then I hope I find a way to make the cast see this, and maybe get a reply or something, and even if not, knowing that someone will read this, watch the show and get inspired, to me is just very good enough.
Some say that young love is immature, and life it can not endure. Others say that love when young, is at its optimum. So when exactly is the best, or more precisely, the right time to fall in love?
The mature team’s point is that when you’re young you can’t be so sure about your feelings, and most of the time they end up being a rage of hormones. A friend of mine puts it this way: “Young love is like all young things; weak, overconfident and with stress will get ugly before it kills itself.” And another agrees to this and says that it is scientifically proven that the early twenties is the most confusing stage of a person’s life, and love at this time or even earlier is most probably temporary. Even if it was true and genuine, it still will not be able to withstand all the circumstances, can not endure life’s hardships, and so will eventually fade away; it’s a rule.
The young love team on the contrary sees that being young and crazy add to love’s beauty. Being immature and not thinking twice before going off the limits to prove your love, or just going wild and crazy together and having fun, not worrying about what happens next or regretting what happened before, just living the moment and enjoying it to the most, definitely makes young love a magical experience, and probably one of life’s best and happiest. They believe that as you get older, you will not have time to show enough love, because you’ll be having a lot going on in your life and you will be having tons of responsibilities, concerns and worries, that you will not have time to enjoy it. So you ought to be young to feel love or else if you wait for longer you may not be able to have it’s best.
I’ve never been in love before or have known how it feels or how it goes, but I believe there is no certain age limit neither there is a certain time when it’s at its best. You don’t need to be mature enough to make love last and survive, life gets harder and tougher as we go on and so if you keep waiting till it gets right or till it becomes better, or wait for the perfect timing when you’re ready, then you will be waiting forever. You also don’t need to be young to feel love or enjoy it. You can always be in love, enjoy your life, and do all sorts of cute and crazy things together, and as long as you still feel it, the rest doesn’t matter, and as they always say; age is just a number, so don’t let anything hold you back.
Love is a magical feeling, or so they claim, that can hit you at any time with no warnings or precautions or even a book of rules. And so when it does, make sure you don’t think twice or try away to push it, because I’m sure there will be a lot you’ll be missing, and at some point you may regret it. Plus, I read that it gives you the same feeling cocaine does, so I guess it may be worth the risk.
I could swear that no female has not ever been sexually harassed, starting from an inappropriate look to rape and all the things in between.
And I never understood the mentality of a harasser. Why does he do it? What does he get after doing it?
Some say they do it due to sexual oppression. So when he talks inappropriately to a stranger, he gets sexual satisfaction? When he touches a stranger, he gets sexual satisfaction? And when he rapes a stranger and has sex with her against her will, he gets sexual satisfaction? Really? What kind of person gets satisfied by a word or a touch or even sex with someone who doesn’t want them? I can only think of one, a sick person. If you really want to have sex, go get yourself a prostitute and she will willingly fulfil all your needs. But that’s not really the case is it?
What makes this assumption worse is that they blame the girl after all. She’s not dressing appropriately, so she provokes him to do this. Why? Because men are animals and they can not control their sexual instincts, and once they get their sexual urges they have to do it on the spot, in the street, with any female out there? Fine then, don’t blame us next time we call them animals. But you know what, that is not even a reason. Because I’ve seen preservative women, including myself, get harassed and so I’m sure it’s not the way we dress, it’s most probably the fact that we are females.
Others say, and I might agree with them a little, that it’s because those males (notice I didn’t say men because they’re not) want to feel dominant and in control, they want to feel superior and prove that they can roam the streets freely and do whatever they want while women have to think twice before walking in the streets. But then again, why do you have to hurt me to feel dominant? This actually makes you weak because your only way to feel superior and dominant is by hurting me because you are physically stronger and that’s all what you have over me.
You know what screw those sick bastards, I don’t care what they think, because all I know is they are sick and there is no way they could be thinking straight. There is no reason nor there is any excuse for what they do. So stop making theories and finding explanations for the sick behaviour of those assholes. And please stop blaming us girls for it, because we are tired of this inexplicable madness we have to go through everyday.
Any woman has the right to walk the streets safely anytime, dressed in whatever she wants, and even if she was naked, no one has the right to come near her and punish her for that. No man has been attacked for dressing inappropriately or for walking late at night. A man can walk naked at midnight and totally feel safe and this is exactly how it should be for women too. I don’t have to feel grateful that the guy just touched me and didn’t rape me, nor do I have to feel scared walking at night or hold my breath riding a bus because I know a couple of random sick people are going to touch me ‘unintentionally’ and I can’t say anything about it. I know I’m one of the lucky people that nothing so serious or traumatic has ever happened to them, but why should that even be lucky?
Bottom line is, women do not have to pay for the oppression, confidence issues or whatever issues these sick people may have; it’s not our problem. We definitely shouldn’t go through all this just because we were born females, we shouldn’t feel sorry about it or reach the point where some say that parents should apologise to their daughters just for being born females.
If the reason we have to pay everyday, is because we were born females; if this is our mistake, then of it we shall not be ashamed. And if our silence is what made you think we believe we are wrong, if it falsely made you believe you’re strong, then from today on our breaths we won’t hold, and we will fight back, for you are cowards and are not brave enough to handle the fact that there is no reason or excuse for what you do, and it is only yourselves to whom the blame should go.
To the one. Take three.
Last time I wrote the big things I want you to do, and gave you a general idea of what I’m expecting from you, but even if you manage to get all that done, the small things will still be what matters most, And so I will tell you too, what are those.
I want you to know and love every detail about me, either about my looks or personality, talk about me and say:”I love her eyes, even when she cries, I love all her smiles, how horribly she lies, and how so innocent she can be at times.”
“I love how tall she is, the color of her skin and of course her cute dimples, add to that, how beautiful with no make up she still looks, with those naturally pink cheeks and lips of hers.”
“It’s sweet how she loves chocolates, and believes they can make her better always, how childish she can get sometimes, and how silly and superstitious she is.”
“It’s amazing how she can be all cute and sweet, and then suddenly starts to scream and shout, just like any guy, watching the World Cup”
“I love how she looks at the world, how she sees life, believes always things are going to be alright, not so practical, but definitely so beautiful.”
“I love how kind she can be, how cute she is, even when she’s angry, the way she sees everyone, not just good, maybe even better than they realise they really are.”
“I just love everything about her, and what others may name flaws, to me are absolute perfections. ”
So dear one, I want you to see this in me and more, I want you to see what no one else has seen before, the small details, what matters most. When those small details you see, when this sense of perfection in them you feel, when flaws are just complementary, when love you have unconditionally, then you really are the one and I have found you finally, and to witness that moment is what I’m waiting for eagerly.
In this scenario in my head, you actually decide to come, and so here are all the things I always wanted, by you to be done.
When you first admit your love to me, don’t say it in a text, please. Say it to my face, and let me know how you really feel, let me see it in your eyes, let me hear it in your voice, let me believe you mean every letter in your words.
I want you to show your love to me publicly, to be proud you have me, and show it to everybody. And I want you to surprise me. Yes, I love surprises, a lot, even if it was just a compliment at a time unexpected.
I want you to handle my frequent mood swings, and all my big and small problems, be there for me when I need you, stick with me and never get tired and go, love me the way I am and not try to change me, see my flaws as something that complement me, a part of my identity, love me at my worst and never give up on me no matter what.
I want us to always be young at heart, enjoy our lives to the most, always try to have fun no matter what, do all kinds of crazy silly things together, have nothing to regret, love our lives and be optimistic, always smile regardless of what we’re going through, always believe that everything is going to be alright, and if it is not, then together we’ll let it be, together we’ll always manage to be happy.
So my dear one again, this is what I ‘want’ you to do, not what you ‘have’ to. If you really love me then that is all that matters, the rest can just come along, the rest won’t even matter anymore.
I won’t say that my whole life I’ve been waiting for you, because it’s only been since high school that I started to, and I won’t say my life means nothing without you, because it does mean something and I love it a lot too.
Maybe the only reason I’m writing this now is because I’m almost twenty and nobody ever told me I love you, I like you, or even I want to go out with you. And my friends claim it’s only because the first and last to ever say so, will be you, the one, and I want to believe it’s true.
I keep fantasising about all the sweet little things you’ll do and all the nice things you’ll say, how I’ll be perfect to you and how my smile brightens your day, how you’ll tell me that I’m beautiful and that I have a great personality, how you’ll keep wondering why has no one before you, ever thought so, and most of all why didn’t I ever believe it too.
And so in the middle of all this fantasy, a thought occurred to me; Why do I need someone to tell me about what I already have? If I fantasise about it then I sure know I have it and I just want someone to tell me about it. But why? I don’t need someone to tell me I’m beautiful, smart and talented, that I’m kind, caring and compassionate, so I can believe it. I know I am.
So dear one, if you change your mind and don’t plan to come I want you to know I’ll be fine. If you still do, of course I’ll be waiting for you, what else will I do? I’m almost twenty and no one has ever told me I love you because they know they are not you, or at least I want to believe it is so.
Now that I’ve grown up, When I think about the past, and the things that mattered most, and remember when I fell, and thought it was love, imagined I found the one, then ended up broken, thought I’ll never move on, lost hope in the world, thought that it was the ultimate pain, and when I forgot and the scenario repeated itself again, once and twice and God knows how many times, and every time would end up like the first one, when I remember all this now, I just laugh out loud, because I was silly no doubt.
Because when I grew up, I came up with the conclusion that I’ve never fallen in love, actually I was just in love with the idea of love, complicated as it may sound, but that’s what it’s all about, I was young and shallow, in my teenage years, and any strong emotions seemed love to me, and I knew it because each time I start from scratch, I have already forgotten about the past, no one used to really have my heart attached, no one was hard to get over, no one seemed perfect enough, and each time I have fallen, I’ve always thought I deserved better.
Thank God now I’ve grown up, understood what it is to be really in love. No I haven’t fallen yet, but I have my conditions set. I will know I’m in love with the one, when I’m ready to give up, my heart and my soul too, without thinking it through, when I love this person regardless of any flaws, and in my eyes will be perfect always. No one will ever be worth my attention, because in my eyes my love will be an angel, so why care about humans, when an angel is yours? I will want to live just to be with my love, and will willingly die just for my love to live. I won’t settle for less, and unless this is how I feel, then I will be sure this isn’t love that’s real.
I love not being in love, I love just loving myself, and I love my life like this, with no worries or stress.
It’s nice to have no one to think about all the time, no one to make me awake all night, to make me cry myself to sleep, to hurt my heart so deep, to lie to me or make a fool out of me, to underestimate my capability, to lift my spirit to the highest sky then drop me down with no mercy, to take my heart and leave me alone when I need him mostly, how can I not be happy?
I now give my love only to the worthy, myself, my friends and my family, enjoy my life with all my might, nothing to worry about at day or night, moving on and building my future, taking the first steps to being successful, motivated to prove I’m an independent woman, making new friends and meeting new people, some of which I would have regretted not knowing, and that’s just another merit, how can my life be any better?
And this is just why I love not being love, and it will take someone worthy and strong enough, to make me again love, love.
If you intended to walk away, why did you try to enter someday? Why put so much effort to enter my life and make me fall for you? Why turn my life into heaven and lift me up high then drop me down with nothing to hold on to? Just give me a reason for everything you used to do, just let me know what made you do so.
Did you really love me then change your mind? Was your love to me so blind? Did you suddenly have a wake up call that made you give it up all? Or was it some game from the start where you wanted to try playing with my heart? Or was there some very good reason maybe that even caused you pain and someday will make you come again?
You know what, I really don’t care. May your heart and soul burn in hell and never find love at all, for you were a stupid person that broke my heart and tore my soul apart, and that I will never forgive at all. And if you intend to come back someday, I will push you away, for I want nothing to do with you or with your stupid personality.
No matter how strong your reason was, no matter how good was your excuse, know that messing with my feelings is priceless, and it is nothing you can run away with. Even if someday my wounds recovered, and I collected the pieces of my heart scattered, to me you’ll always be a stupid person that broke my heart, and nothing will ever change that.
If only you could read my mind, and see yourself through my eyes, you will love and hate yourself at the same time. You will love yourself because probably you would’ve never imagined yourself so nice, and maybe even close to perfect, and you will find things you never expected.
And on the other side, you’ll hate yourself for being such an asshole, a jerk and an idiot, for giving up someone like me, who loved you like no one will ever do, someone others would only dream of, that seems for them, too good to be true, someone many would claim to be too much for you, and despite all this, still loved you, and a lot too, wouldn’t you hate yourself as soon as you know?
Just in case you realize how mistaken you were, and planning sometime to fix things again, know that I will be there, but don’t count on it much as well, because I can wait for sometime but not forever. My heart may then belong to another person, someone who really knows the value of what’s in their hands, who would kill for me and love me till their last breath, someone I would willingly give my heart and soul to, someone that someday could’ve been you.
How come I wrote about you more than I did with anyone before? How come about you I can’t stop writing more? What curse have you put upon me? How can a few months do this to me?
I’m sure I’ve been cursed or else what could it be, because since I met you I haven’t been able to think peacefully, everything I do keeps reminding me of you, no matter how silly or insignificant it may seem, it just brings you up to my head instantly, and every place I go reminds me of you, and a flashback of memories, in my head suddenly appears, now tell me what else could this be?!
And even after you left, I couldn’t get rid of it, but how can I get too attached, to someone I haven’t known much? Maybe I fell for you, but then you left, so why do I still think about you despite all that? Didn’t you decide to walk out of my life? So why give me all those sleepless nights? Why leave all those memories behind? Are you intending to come back someday that you wanted to remain in my life someway? Or you just enjoy the sight of me suffering and in total misery? I need an answer, I have to know, to decide, whether I wait for you, to break the curse you set upon me, or find my own prince charming, who from your curse will set me free.
I miss you? Yes I do, and I would be lying if I said no, but is it the same with you? Don’t you miss me too?
Don’t you miss how we used to sit together all the time, when my friends were yours and yours were mine, when we talked everyday, from good morning to good night, when we told each other everything, no secrets, except that we’re in love, which everybody knew but us, don’t you?
Remember when you made me study to get good grades, when you always tried to cheer me up when I was upset, and when I tried my best to get you off your exam stress, don’t you miss all this too?
And that time you brought me chocolate and I was overwhelmed, that time you had my heart and I didn’t realise it, what has happened to all this?
With no warnings or goodbye, we became like strangers rarely saying hi, what happened and why? You said it was for my own good, you did so because you cared, and until I see the benefits, I guess I’ll have to wait, and hope someday things get back to how they used to be, or for this to end up miraculously to be the better for you and me, either way, I just want the ending of this story to be happy.
One moment everything is all pink, the other it’s so blue. One moment you’re nice and sweet, the other I can’t stand you. One moment I’m falling under your spell, the other I hate you like hell. One moment you’re all I ever wanted, the other I wish we’ve never met. One moment I want you to always stay, the other I want you to go away. One moment I’m so high, the other I’m so low.
C’est la vie I know, and all this sounds okay, until one day, I wake up to reality, because I never thought, one moment could change a lot. Just like that moment of sweetness, turned into love, and that moment of laughter, was more than enough, also one moment of anger, have turned into hatred, and one moment of misunderstanding, made it all go wrong.
In less than a moment, I started to think; I lost it all, but it wasn’t my fault, or was it and I didn’t know, or we were both mistaken, I can’t be so sure. Or just maybe someday everything will be okay, or maybe not because it already is. Then I lost track of time, and many moments passed by, moments of the past I missed, and moments from the future I wished, and the question remains, can someday one moment fix all this?
Suddenly I realize I act like myself and someone else at the same time when I’m with you. My flaws that you see, some are true and some are only seen by you, because I’m trying to hide my feelings towards you, and at the same time trying to impress you. You make me feel perfect, though still not good enough. What do you call this?
I hate what happens to me when I’m with you. I want to run and stay, come and go away, what on earth have you done to me?! I piss you off because I love you, but I hate to see you upset because of me. I’m always happy when I’m near you, and when I’m not I just want to see, if to you I am dear, if you’re gonna miss me.
Call me retarded, call me insane, or even say that I lost my brain, but this is what you do to me, and a meaning for this I searched a lot, and I found no other explanation but, that this is love. So now I made it obvious that I love you, and I know that you love me too, so it’s either you’re too blind to see it, or just too hesitant to admit.
I’ve always hated you, never believed in you, and though you only exist, in fairy tales and movies, until one day, I met him, yet I still doubted your existence.
Day after day, something changed in me, everyone could see, a glow on my face, I was always singing, always happy, and I thought, love is easy, but as I always say, not all what shines is gold.
One day, I saw the other side of love, love wasn’t easy, love was a bitch, love was crazy, I think too much and I’m so confused. I don’t want to see him, but I miss him, I hate him for doing this to me, but I adore him, I wish I haven’t known him so this wouldn’t have happened to me, but I don’t want to ever lose him, I want him and no one but him, I want him to love me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy. Why love have you done all this to me, I’ve never felt this way before, I was living peacefully, until the day you came at my door.
Yes, love is blind, love is crazy, love is pain, love is easy, no matter how they try to describe you, you will always remain a mystery, that hits us when we’re not seeing, and turns our lives upside down, hopefully to the better not the worse. So, if you intend to hurt me or break my heart, please leave me as soon as you can.
Before I end my letter, let me thank you, for letting me fall for someone, too good to be true, someone who’s better than anything I’ve ever wished for, who made me understand why weren’t you there before. You know what, in the end, I don’t hate you as much as I thought, to me you were the best thing that ever happened, and you brought me the best thing I will ever hopefully have.
A few months ago, I never thought I would feel the way I do, or write this about you, and yes I admit, I’m whipped, off my feet I’m swept, what have you done to me so quick?!
Just a thought of you and I smile like an idiot, I remember your jokes, and I laugh out loud, and you’re not even what I always dreamt about, not the prince charming I always wanted; actually you’re better than anything I ever desired, you’re unique, perfect and one of a kind, in no time you were able to blow my mind, and if they say love is blind, then I want you to be my eyes, Seriously, what have you done to me?
I know you love me, it’s obvious, anyone can see, but I’m waiting for you to speak, when and where, I don’t care, as long as you love me and I can feel the same.
But also know that forever I won’t wait, and that speaking today will be great, because tomorrow may be too late, may be, just maybe, but I promise you to try my best, to be more patient and keep waiting for you my gift.
I love you, Oh yes I do, But what about you? You made a big mistake once; do you think you deserve a chance? I’m giving you one now, better use it wise, you know very well you can’t lose me twice.
Because I’m one of a kind, and many other men are waiting in line, so if you let go of me this time, the loss is yours & not mine,
I’m going to forget all the other girls you knew after me, I’m starting a new chapter, in the end, how good can they be? I am the one you want to live with the rest of your life; I am the one you will proudly introduce as your wife.
Because I’m one of a kind, and many other men are waiting in line, so if you let go of me this time, the loss is yours & not mine,
Also know that, I’m going to love you with all my heart, till the last breath, till death does us apart. So if you were to make the perfect choice, you know it would be me of course!
Why do I regret it so much? Why do I think of it a lot? Why do I always wonder, If it ever was love or not? But how could I know?
Maybe in the end you weren’t the person I’ve always dreamt of, maybe someday I will meet someone & it will be true love. So how could I know if I even loved you, and didn’t just like a thing or two about you, In the end we were still young and we couldn’t be sure if it was true, So how could I know?
I know it, because to you I’ve compared every guy I liked, & no one was good enough, no one was just right, I know it when I just hear your name, and the blood flows through my veins, when I still think of you after all those years, and never forgot any of our memories, or when I know you’re with other girls, & I feel so jealous, Even if it was a decent talk or just exchanging looks.
I don’t only know, I am sure this love was true, and I miss you and regret ever letting you go. But who knows, maybe destiny will put us together some day, and all what happened was just part of our own epic love story.