Artwork by Joerg Warda
There exists only one thing I will never let pass by, one thing I will never have the power to forgive; lying. I will never forgive you if you lie to me, even if unintentionally. They say lie once and all your truths become questionable. Yes, if you can lie once then you can lie a hundred times, and with that goes my trust, and what kind of relationship can work without trust?
You lied. You lied to my face right here in my place. You lied to my face each time you were trying to divert me away from reality. You lied to my face not even for my own good, on the contrary. You lied to my face small little lies that I chose to ignore because of what you meant to me, but this last one made all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and showed your true personality, something I never imagined would be that ugly.
I don’t care about the number of years I’ve known you for, or the friendship that supposedly we had before, because when you lied you blew it all. Unfortunately, I can’t not know you anymore, but to me you’ll be nothing but someone I just know. So don’t be surprised if I treat you like a stranger, don’t be surprised if with you I share nothing no more, don’t be surprised when you’re no longer part of my life. In fact, be grateful that I still know you, because unfortunately unlike you, I’m naïve enough to consider and respect the years of friendship we had to just kick you out of my life like that. Although I don’t deny I wish I could, but I just can’t.
I always say bad things happen for a good reason, but recently I’ve never believed more in that. I’ve been going through a lot of stresses lately and bad things just kept striking one after the other endlessly that I just wanted to take a break from life for a day, just a day.
Remember when I also always say that it’s the small things that matter most? This is exactly what happened to me; a simple unexpected gesture changed my bad day and made me smile and sleep happily. In fact, it changed my whole perspective of the chaos I’m currently living in. I started to think again of all the mess I’ve been going through for a while and of all the good things that has happened as a result; big or small, to me they’re all one.
Instead of depressing yourself for too long and only seeing the bad side of the story, start looking at the good one immediately. I know it’s hard especially you get hit simultaneously and unexpectedly, but give it a shot because it will be totally worth it. It will give you something to keep you going, something to look forward to. Besides, pulling yourself away and leaving frustration and depression to overtake you won’t help anyway.
Do you know this feeling where you can no longer carry the world on your shoulders and your feet can no more handle your own body weight? That feeling where nothing makes sense anymore, and you don’t know why things happen or what for.
You try at first to hold your tears and put on a tough face, but then you reach that point where you just want to let it all out; and when you give your tear glands the permission to explode, they just refuse to. When you try to do the opposite and cheer up because everyone around you is asking you to do so and because you really want to, so you eat all the chocolate in the world and listen to all your favourite songs; but still NADA, nothing.
You’re not sad, neither are you happy. You feel nothing, you’re completely numb. No, it’s not just a bad day. This bad day was nothing but a small scene in a series that has been going on for a long time, and I have just been piling everything up and playing fine. Until that one “bad day”, in fact that one bad moment where the pile just couldn’t take anymore and all fell apart, and that fine feeling went along with it. Or at least it’s what I believed in until I realised that it was not just the fine feeling that was gone, but it was all the feelings as a matter of fact. Now only four letters are all that I can feel, only four letters can define me: N-U-M-B. Yes, numb is me.
Just as I was about to idiotically fall back again, the universe decided to hold me when I was about to drop off the tip of that deadly cliff. I saw you with her in what might seem normal, but that was the last string of hope I had attached in the delirium of your love and it untangled and fell off. Surprisingly I’m not sad. I’m happy or at least I’m smilIng; I’m just fine and fine is good. It is about time I move on and one year seems more than enough to ensures one’s strength and genuineness of feelings, or their existence in the first place to be honest; and I don’t seem to have something solid to hold on to, to make me believe in yours. It’s okay. Maybe this sweet and bitter dream, or delusion, or whatever it is, was meant to happen for a reason; and I’m fine with it. Yes, I’m fine and I deserve the best as well. I’ve never believed in that sentence this much ever; and that too is good.
It is the small things I swear. The simple random unplanned outings, with the unexpected fun and overwhelming happiness that follow them, are what can make a huge difference. Sometimes you don’t need a complete day off from life like I used to mistakenly believe. In fact, what you might need is spending time with the people you love, unleashing your real spirit and giving freedom to your captivated soul. To remember how it is to be yourself and return to the person you were before transforming to the stress-controlled life-overwhelmed numb soul you were turning into. It is the small simple things that make a huge difference.
I tend to pile things up my chest until they skyrocket. On the contrary I beg people to let things out and when they do, I pile up those too until the sky is not enough limit. I do this because I believe people have enough going on with their lives and they don’t need more problems to carry around. But I love to listen because part of me believes that I have the power to make people happy and my happiness is derived from that of others. Believe me I’m not pretentiously selfless. I do carry around more problems of others than mine and I do wish sometimes if someone could offer to carry mine even if for a while.
Saying those three words is no walk in the park. It requires a tremendous amount of strength and courage as a start. Not only that, but also blind trust and total reliance. After an endless cycle of overthinking and rethinking until you’re brain is about to explode, so it decides to calm down a bit right before starting its vigorous battle with the heart on who takes the final decision. All this needs time, a lot of time. Then you reach a peak where you no longer can hold it in your heart for one more moment and have no other choice but to let it out regardless of the consequences, and finally say: “I’m not fine”.
I know I’m one great package and any guy would be very lucky to have me. But I don’t want someone to love me for how good I am. In fact, I want the person who sees beyond that and loves me for my flaws before my merits. Not tolerates them; loves them. It’s easy to love someone who has a good personality or looks pretty. But what is actually hard, is to love their imperfections and irrationalities, no matter how big or small they are; and here lies the real challenge. So when I meet the person that manages to see beauty and perfection in the worst aspects of my personality, that person is then worthy of loving and having me.
I’ve always dreamt of having my own magazine someday, and here I am a few days away. To me, it’s not just a magazine, it’s my baby. A baby that will only grow by your love and support. This magazine was built and will be going on by this slogan: Think Grey.
We the people who think grey; founders, writers, editors, photographers and marketers, are one big family responsible for the birth of this new baby. We are counting down the time left for our magazine’s launching day. Persona magazine, our new online magazine that will hopefully meet your high expectations and where you’ll find your grey thought written down line by line…
Check our website: http://personamagazine.me
Like and share our Facebook page:
Follow us on Instagram: @persona.magazine
Follow us on Twitter: @personamag2015
Support us as much as you can by liking, following and sharing and let this baby find the love and support it needs to grow into something big, into what I’ve always dreamt of.
In the darkest of my times, I try to enjoy the moment and laugh while I’m being tormented deep inside. I don’t like to open up unless I’m about to crack and I only do so to the very closest people I know, not even all of them. And people ask me “Why? Why don’t you seek comfort and help?”. How can I ask someone to help me when they don’t even understand what I’m going through, and not in a million years will they do so?
They think my life is a piece of cake that I eat off a golden plate, only because I manage to disguise the ugly truth that lies behind this fancy cover I try to maintain. “But why keep maintaining it? Why not just drop the mask off and let them know the truth?”. The process is even more exhausting than dealing with the problem itself and I always like to keep my tough exterior intact because it is all I have.
I’m not sure if this is strength or contrarily my weakness. I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do when you’re hurt to the point that you get used to the pain it makes you become so numb. Yes I’ve become so numb to the point that the highlight of my day, my biggest comfort and major source of happiness, oh yeah happiness (and I’m not even sure if I can call it that), has become sitting on my beanbag at the corner doing nothing; nothing at all. So do you still think I can clarify and explain it all?
So I’ve been told the introduction was pessimistic as hell and that it might lead to either the reader not continuing to read or to feel a bit down. Well, I would never want that. I write because I want you to feel better, give you maybe a piece of advice, make you smile at some point or the noblest of all goals, inspire you. Now this is one cute, very honest and heartfelt introduction. So will you please bear with me till the end and read the whole thing?
You fall in love once, twice and a gazillion times. You say you can’t help it; you can’t help but think this person may be different, that they may be the one you’ve been looking for forever. So you leave yourself to fall all over again and go through the same pain just for the sake of that tiny glimpse of hope of finding love. When in fact, if you ask me, love is a once in a life time feeling. So in my opinion, most probably it was either that one of these times was actually true love or none of them was; and in this case don’t worry because the best is yet to come.
You keep on searching for love in each and every person you’re attracted to or you crush on. You see it as an opportunity to find that feeling forever you’ve been looking for, to satisfy that bashful craving of loving and being loved in return. While in fact, despite how much it might surprise you, these are mostly nothing but a couple of hormonal fluctuations and disruptions that are bound to end one way or another regardless of how much you try to evolve and develop them into genuine and heartfelt feelings. This is why it is possible to get over each and every time because it was never love, and the next person you meet just simply erases whatever there was earlier and the cycle goes on. In the end the noble mystic majestic feeling of love isn’t supposed to come and go like that. Right?
But this person, you’re sure you’ve never felt this way before nor have you had such intense and immense feelings in your life ever towards anyone; this is the one and you can swear to it. Well you know what they say, if it’s meant to be it will be and so in this case just let it go off your head and see because they also say love comes when you’re not looking; so I guess you should turn your back on it and wait for things to happen. If this is the one as you claim, if this is the real deal, then sure it will find its way into your life and back into your heart. Just stop getting into failing relationships one after the other for the false hope and the hopeless delusion of maybe finding love in one of them. I’m sure love isn’t meant to keep hurting you and messing with you like that.
Trust me once you get that whole concept of haunting for love out of your head, you’ll find a lot of more useful things to replace it with. The time wasted on moving on from relationship to another and fixing a so-called heartbreak after the other, will be consumed more productively, and you’ll end up finding yourself filling that emptiness you’ve always tried to fill with love.
The clock is ticking, counting down, she is suffocating, lung by lung, one lobe at a time, and a severely torn apart and shattered heart was the main aetiology that started all this pain and misery. And now there she is, her soul leaving her body bit by bit, like a thread being pulled off a woollen sweater that is slowly being deformed and deteriorated, and now is becoming a messy lump that has no beauty, meaning or purpose.
And when both her lungs were almost emptied, when her soul almost left, when the sweater was about to diminish, she took the deepest breath she ever could, inhaled all the air surrounding her and filled every inch of her almost empty lungs, then held her head up high and stood up, decided to reweave herself into something more better, more beautiful and more stronger.
And so, she gathered all those broken pieces of her heart and stitched them together with barbed wires so it becomes an unbreakable piece, in fact, an unapproachable one. She cured the main aetiology of her suffering and whatever symptoms that followed it, and now she became immune, unsusceptible and resistant to the disease of love. In the end this is how it all begun.
From the day we understand the word love, not the “I love you mum” version but rather the cheesy romantic soulmate type, we are on an unconscious quest to find it. To find that kind of love we see in movies, hear in songs and read in books. That feeling people claim is the most mysterious inexplicable yet the best.
We get so overwhelmed in this quest that we overlook the love surrounding us. Love that compensates the one we are looking for and may be even better. We forget our families’ unconditional love and don’t take into consideration the flaw-accepting love of our friends. We ignore the love and respect of the people surrounding us at school or work.
If you ask me, yes love is in the air, it is everywhere, but unfortunately you’ve set yourself to look for it in one direction, when actually if you decide to turn around and take a look, you’ll realise that you don’t need to make that much effort because you already have so much love. And when you decide to appreciate and cherish each and every moment of it, you will stop your pointless quest because that love around you will be very sufficient. And the cheesy romantic soulmate love? Well, they say it comes while you’re not looking and least expecting it. So I guess all roads lead to stopping your pointless quest for finding love.
If I were asked to define happiness, I’d say that it’s a mindset not a target. And if I were asked its source to define, well that will be a hard one to determine.
I will not know how to choose between the euphoria chocolate brings upon me or between way books make me feel. I can’t think of which makes me happier, listening to my favourite songs or watching Harry Potter. And I definitely can’t choose which time is better spent, watching a football game with my father, or a mother-daughter conversation. I will not be able to claim that the happiness I get when I’m with my friends means more to me than that when I make my parents proud. I won’t pick between carrying a baby and playing with them, and talking for hours on the phone with my best friend. I’m not sure if inspiring people with something I just wrote makes me happier than when giving advice to my little sister. And if on the future I had to choose between the happiness of publishing my first book or that of graduating and becoming a dentist, I wouldn’t know which one to pick either.
Point is, there’s no definite source of happiness and there is no ultimate major unique source of it. Yes, even chocolates. Happiness can be found in all those small moments and all the big achievements. It can be found in everything, anywhere you want it to be. So don’t condition it to something specific and wait till you achieve it, don’t set criteria and targets, and just cherish every moment, just remember life is too short to waste it being anything other than happy.
Inside me is a heart that chooses to take all my decisions regardless of the circumstances, risking it all just for my happiness and that of others, and may end up broken but heals itself again every time and keeps going on with the same intensity like before.
Inside me is a gut instinct that I always believe in, that has never failed me and is true most of the time, and even if not, I never lose faith in its abilities.
Inside me is a mind craving to be heard, to be listened to, to have the words in my heart pass by it before they come out, and to prevent my heart from taking random spontaneous irrational decisions blindly, just because it doesn’t want to see it broken again. A mind that ends up gathering the pieces of my broken heart, helping it heal, move on and forget, never giving up on it, always there by its side trying to support and strengthen it.
Inside me is a soul that knows exactly what it wants and tries hard to reach it regardless of the circumstances. A soul wanting to serve its purpose in life, wanting to live life and enjoy it to the fullest before it leaves, so it would have nothing to regret when it’s gone.
Inside me are all the words left unsaid, the words that couldn’t make it out of my lips without passing through my brain like the rest of everything I say.
Inside me are all those stories of the people I love, all their problems, miseries, hopes and dreams, piling up there on top of my chest where I can feel them with every breath so they never are forgotten and always are taken good care of.
Inside me are my hopes and dreams trying to come true day by day to make me and those who I love happy.
Inside me are stories and memories, good and bad ones. The good I never forget, and the bad after a while I learn from and laugh at.
Inside me there is always happiness, and even if not obvious, even in the darkest of times, tries to resurface and my mood it overwhelms.
I might look very simple and carefree on the outside but inside me is a whole different world continuously going on.
We live in a time where 14 year olds who just broke up with their boyfriends cut their wrists and think that “life sucks”. A time where children dress, act and think like adults, carry around iPads instead of toy cars and dolls, and watch twilight instead of cartoons; a time where innocence is nonexistent and childhood is dead.
We live in a time where war has become a daily routine we hear about in the news, and the death numbers, us, no longer amuse. A time where the fine line between what’s wrong and what’s right has disappeared, where morality is stupidity and survival of the fittest is the main philosophy.
We live in a time that I don’t know what to call. I’ve run out of words to describe how cruel, mad, and inexplicable this world has become, it’s like the end of time is near, it’s like everything is becoming its opposite and upside down the world is turning.
War is peace, slavery is freedom, ignorance is knowledge, good is bad and right is wrong; things we’ve only read about in books and watched in movies, laughed at or thought were too extreme to be one day real. And the world we have in our heads, the life we carry in our hearts, is nothing but a delusion we choose to live in to hide from the ugly truth and the harsh reality that is everywhere around us, that one way or another we are bound to accept and face.
From my mistakes I never learn. To be honest not all. Only those regarding my personality. Like trusting people easily and being too friendly. Like giving people not just second chances, but a million ones. Like not thinking before speaking or doing anything. Like being an open book with nothing to hide. Like having high hopes that let me down each time. Like falling too hard and blindly following my heart. Oh my heart, constantly dominating my actions and thoughts, and when my mind decides to intervene to help me from the upcoming chaos I’m about to bring upon myself, my heart goes on and never listens. And when it ends up broken and shattered, it comes back to my mind seeking for help. And only at the peak of its weakness and fury does my heart to my mind listen. But when it gathers itself and pulls itself back together, again it ignores my mind and does what it does. But I decided to put this to an end. I know it’s too late to stop following my heart, but I will allow my mind to interfere and control my thoughts. I will not block my heart completely but my mind I will allow to help me. I will announce a peace treaty, instead of the continuous ongoing war between them that my heart constantly wins. I will still be the person who follows her heart and instincts in almost everything but with her mind along her side as well.
Another writing material. That is the answer to a question I asked myself almost a year ago when I first saw you and caught feelings for you; is it finally true love, or is it just another writing material? And now we know the answer.
The irony is that for the first time not just did I have feelings for someone but actually believed he might be the so called “the one”. Remembering this, how I used to think and feel, makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh at how stupid I was, and cry for the same exact reason. How naive and blinded by our feelings can we become? How can our emotions control our actions and our brains become so dumb? And when we wake up and realise the ugly truth, the flooding river of emotions dries out and all the feelings we once had flowing in our blood are gone. And we turn from life-loving excessively emotional creatures to broken numb feelingless pieces.
Why go through this path of hell when we know it never ends up well? Scream all you wish that love exists and someday someone will walk into your life and all that cute little shit, but don’t tell me it’s worth taking the risk of breaking your heart once and twice and a gazillion times. Don’t tell me it’s worth the sleepless nights and the head and heart ache that leaves you more lifeless each and every time.
If there’s true love, then good for those who have it and if I were meant to have it someday, then I’m sure it won’t break me, I’m sure this is not what love was designed for. Other than that, whoever walks into my life I will try my best to shut off my heart and protect it with high fences and barbed wires if I could, and whoever regardless of all this succeeds to cross, breaks my heart and makes me go through that deadly circle of feelings, emotions and love, will still be nothing but another writing material. This is how I chose to gather the broken pieces of my heart; learning a lesson, becoming stronger and more mature, and turning it into good writing material. Unless someone decides to prove the opposite.
Just when I thought that I have become lucky, and I started to feel happy, reality struck me. The only constant thing in life is change, and nothing lasts forever. And that my friends, is life’s only lesson. So just learn to embrace the moment and enjoy it while it lasts, never hold on to something with all your heart, and appreciate what you have before it’s gone; so you regret nothing when life takes its natural course. And when it does, just accept it the way it is, because if happiness doesn’t last, so does misery, it also is going to end someday.
They say when you smile the world smiles with you, so just smile even if you don’t want to. Have you ever seen someone smiling at you and never smiled back? Not even deep down in your heart? Not even a fake smile? It’s contagious! Smile and everything around you will start smiling, and without further cliché lines and accusations from you that I don’t get it, smile now to the person next to you and if you’re alone smile to yourself at the mirror. I’m serious do it now. And if you don’t feel any tiniest bit of difference then you can come and talk to me.
10:30 pm on the 31st of August 1994, I was born. Sometimes I wonder why and what for? Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t happen, would it matter? But then I remember being the source of happiness for two families the day I was born, being the first grandchild, and then I remember my father always telling me that since the day I was born I brought with me good luck to our back then small family. And I remember my friends who come to me at their darkest of times seeking comfort and advice. And I remember all those people who tell me “You made my day”.
It seems like to some people the day I was born matters, that without me their lives would’ve been slightly different. And now after the writing and the public posting, when people like what I write and say it inspired them or touched them somehow or even give me their opinion about it, it’s not the number that matters to me, it’s the idea that I have somehow came across a random person’s life and done something, even if temporary. Someday I wish I could affect and change lives as much as possible, make lives better and make more people’s days, on a very much broader spectrum.
The day I was born was no coincidence. I am here and I have a purpose to serve. I may have done part of it but I know there is more to come yet. And by the way, so do you. No one is a waste of space or air, we are all here for some reason and our existence matters at least for one person or even an animal. So if you’re still questioning the purpose of your existence, look around you and you will find it’s much more closer to you thank you think.
I’ve never been kissed. Never been in a relationship. Never been told I love you. Never been told I like you. Never been on a date. Never been asked out. But I believe if I’m ever going to have a kiss, my first kiss, it’s going to be by the one and only person who will ever kiss me. The one and only person who with I will ever be. I imagine him to kiss me unexpectedly and publicly declare his love to me. I imagine him kissing me at the peak of my fury and when I’m happy. I imagine him kissing me with not only his lips, but his heart as well, with love and passion. Probably this is why I’m still single. I was meant to be kissed by only one person, loved by only person, and be with just one person, who will make me feel and do all that I’ve never done and felt before.
P.S. I was tagged for a #kissathon on my Instagram page by a couple of writers and poets and I couldn’t do it because obviously I’ve never been kissed but I thought that shouldn’t stop me from doing it. Anyway I just wanted to clarify things and to tell you that this is not me whining and complaining because I know you’ve suffered a lot from my current frequents emotional swings and I’m sorry for that 🙈 but you must know that I’m grateful for all of you and I love you all ❤️
One of the biggest mistakes we ever make is conditioning our happiness and having definite sources of it. When a source is gone, so does your happiness, or at least part of it. When in fact if you think of it, you can find happiness in the simplest of things. If you leave your happiness unconditional and look around you, you will start finding it in places unexpected. And those sources when gone, many others will compensate it.
Think of it. There are at least 100 reasons for you to be happy. From the fact that you’re alive and breathing to the fact that you have a roof to live under and a phone or a laptop to hold and read this post from now. No matter what you go through, no matter how tough life gets on you, how big your problems may seem and how broken your heart may be, remember there are people out there who would be happy if they just had what you have. I know we all have those moments when life is no longer bearable and we have too many problems all at once, and you have all the right to get upset and depressed; it’s important to let it all out. But in the middle of all this start counting your blessings and the 100 reasons you have to be happy and whatever it is that you’re going through, it will not seem so bad after all.
And as I always say, happiness is nothing but a mindset.
I write because it helps me let out all my feelings and emotions, my beliefs and thoughts, my hopes and dreams; and put them together into organized meaningful words.
I write because I hope what I write touches someone somehow, makes them relate to it, maybe feel better, or draw a temporary smile on their face, and maybe someday inspire them. And when this happens, I feel like I have achieved my goal and an inexplicable feeling of euphoria overwhelms me.
I write because one day I hope what I write changes lives and makes them better. And if this happens, then I have served my purpose well. So do you think I can?
Drawing by the talented Rawan Alaa
I am a woman. I am stronger and tougher more than anyone can imagine. Sometimes I wonder why do they say “man up” when they urge someone to step up or to fight harder when in my opinion “woman up” is the right word.
I am a woman. I endure and tolerate physical and psychological pain beyond belief. Internal and external, body and soul, heart and mind; everything within me suffers and bleeds and yet I still manage to pull myself together, stand up, hold my head up high and move on.
I am a woman. I live in oppression and discrimination. I don’t get the least of my rights. Yet I manage to survive. I fight and never cease to settle and surrender. I can do everything, anything, once I set my mind to it, and no one and nothing can stop me.
I am a woman. I’m the source of life on this planet. Without me humanity would vanish. If all men became extinct, a sperm bank would help the continuity of humanity, but if all women were gone, humanity is done.
I am a woman. I don’t underestimate men. I don’t think men are the enemy. How can I when I love the enemy? I respect the enemy. I get hurt and all my miseries are brought upon me by the enemy. Even though I know I don’t need him. Yet I still want him, forgive him, give him tons of chances, love him with all my heart until it tears apart, handle him at his best and worst and lie to myself claiming I can never live without him just to give myself more reasons to keep loving him and making sure he’s happy and doesn’t need anything.
I am a woman. I am what gives this life meaning and purpose. I am it’s reason and source. I am what matters most. And I am proud to be all those, a woman.
I’d be lying if I said I know what a soulmate is. But I imagine it to be, or at least I want it to be, as a start, someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who understands me easily. Someone who accepts my flaws merrily, and sees in me perfection and beauty. Someone who will see what everyone failed to see in me finally. Someone who will spend the rest of his life with me, living forever happily, and if he has too, will die for me willingly. Someone who will make all the movie stories seem silly. Someone who if I ever find, I will do the same to and more. Someone who will finally make me know what a soulmate is and what power as soulmates do we together own. That life with all its mighty hardships will stand no chance against us, because as long as we have each other, nothing else matters.
There was a time when I was the definition of desperation, where I used to crave misery and hold on to every glimpse of hope, true or false, and the worst thing about it, is that I never knew I was desperate. I never believed anyone who told me I was. I believed that I was doing what I had to do, and I kept following my heart until it broke and tore apart. It took me a long time to gather the shattered pieces together and reassemble them into something stronger. I did not give up nor did I surrender to my desperation; and I have to admit that without it I also wouldn’t have been stronger. It seems it’s true what they say, that it’s our own choices that make us shape our own destiny.
All our lives we’ve been set to believe that beauty is the one we see in models and superstars, that it has certain standards and criteria, which is completely false, but unfortunately we live our lives looking for and trying to chase an illusion. In my opinion, the inner beauty defines the outer one. As cliché as it may sound, but I actually find a person with a beautiful soul inexplicably more attractive, and no matter how good looking a bad person may seem, something about them still turns me off. The soul deep within, the inner beauty, inflicts upon the external appearance. External beauty is mortal, but the internal one lasts forever; it is the one that really matters.
I can’t believe I’m writing this now. A small conversation that only lasted a couple of minutes made me realize that it is going to take so much power and strength to finally declare I’m over him. I kept telling everyone that it’s fine, it’s just a small casual conversation, what harm could it do? I kept convincing myself that I have to get used to the fact that I will deal with him anyway whether I like it or not, so why not get used to it now. But then a few seconds later, it’s invading and overtaking my thoughts and it’s all I can think of.
What the hell is wrong with me? It’s like I crave misery. I want to feel desperate and depressed, weak and vulnerable, and be a total mess. Why can’t I just let go and accept the fact that HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME! Where the hell is my dignity? Until when am I going to be living in this emotional hell?
Lord give me strength to get him off my head. Lord please keep him away from me until I pull myself together and become able to deal with him like a normal person. And let’s pray it is the last time I write anything about this because honestly I’m starting to hate myself for doing it.
We all look for love, wait for it and some of us even have it. But let me talk to those who think they don’t. All our lives we’ve been set to believe that love is that stuff that you see in movies and hear in songs and read about in books. That it’s the only thing that matters, that it completes you as a person, and gives your life meaning and purpose. Well, good news, this is utter and complete bullshit.
Your life does not revolve around finding your significant other and living happily ever after. This is to girls especially, your dreams should not revolve around finding love, getting married and have that big fancy wedding and wearing that beautiful white dress. There is so much more to life than that. And even love is not what you think it is. You want real love? Love yourself. It’s you who you need to love before all, you who you need to love most. Because once you start falling in love with yourself you will do whatever that makes you happy and voila! You’ve achieved happiness. Yes, life is too short to waste it waiting for love, waiting for someone to bring you happiness. I’m not saying give up on the other type of love, I’m just saying think of it as an accessory or a bonus. It’s not the main type of love you need. If it comes then good, you’ve got the whole package. If it doesn’t, so what? Your package is good enough.
The moment you start having this mindset, following your dreams and living your life to the fullest, you will realise you don’t need that cheesy romantic love after all. And if you’re craving it this much, then maybe one day when you’re not looking it will come along. Just forget about it, throw it at the back of your head, maybe out of it, and stop watching all those brainwashing movies, listening to those ear-poisoning songs and reading those mind-fucking books, because this is what will always depress you or give you false hope and then let you down. Just fall in love with the right person, you, and watch the miracles it can do.
I have been writing about my feelings, my confusion, my emotional swings and heart break since forever. But today I decided to force myself to stop it. This is not all I can write about and I’m sure there’s more to life than a love lost and a broken heart. My heart is screaming: “What the hell are you doing? You can’t just forget it”. But my mind calmly replies: “Shut up, we have had enough”.
I am about to start an online magazine with my friends, and as soon as we launch it, I will let you know. I don’t want my feelings and emotions to be the only thing I write about there too. And this is why I’m controlling myself starting now. No matter how inspired I get or how the thoughts overwhelm me, begging to be written, I’m done writing about this once and for all. Unless miraculously he comes and talks to me and something happens, which I doubt, but then we will see.
I want to write about everything, anything, just name it. Tell me what do you want my next posts to be about, and I’ll write them all no matter what. Just help me break the curse and move on, because I’m sure you and I have had enough.
Everyday I say that I will let go and move on, but it’s way more easier said than done. And this very tiny hidden hope lying deep within my heart fights hard. Making me think; maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t know what to say, maybe he’s patient, maybe he’s wise, maybe he doesn’t like to rush into things, maybe he’s waiting to surprise you on your birthday and know it without you telling him like you did with his. Or maybe he just doesn’t care!
What on Earth am I holding on to? Why the hell do I still have hope? Maybe it’s love? But love is a huge word, besides it’s a two-sided feeling and I can not sense it from anyone but me. Then what is it? Maybe it’s my ego not being able to handle the humiliation of rejection, or maybe it’s the persistence of my competitive nature, maybe it’s my instinct to never give up, or maybe it’s my mind not wanting to believe that the closest thing I’ve ever had to love, the only person I believed was the one, the first time I’ve ever had feelings, the first time I actually decided that it’s worth it and I should take the risk, was actually nothing; maybe it’s the fear of losing all this and with it losing the belief that love exists.
Yes I have given up on love, not even the fact that there is someone better that will make me realise why it never worked. No. I decided to not let feelings weaken me anymore nor my heart to control me and my instincts to drive me. I know many people have had harder heart breaks and have gone through worse, but I was not meant for this. I made a mistake once and I learned from it. I never opened my heart before and this is how it is always going to be because now all I see is the closest attempt to falling in love, gone.
I beg you to listen to me just once. Not necessarily completely take my advice, but at least consider it. Make me help you take your decisions, not even control them. Just include me, just consider me, just make me help you because each time I see you get hurt I can’t help but hate myself for not being strong enough to stop you. Who am I? What am I? I’m your mind. The only one capable of saving you and your heart from getting broken, just like you are now.
It is not only matters of love that I want you to consult me at, but also all aspects of your life. Let your words pass through me before you speak them out. Let me think a while before you do your actions. I know you follow your heart and instincts all the way, but just let me assist them, in what you do, let me have a say. I’m your mind, and I will help you do things right. I’m your mind and I hope you learned your lesson well and decided to use me more often.
They keep telling me that someday, someone will wake into your life and make you realize why there never was anyone else. They will give your life purpose and meaning and let you truly feel happiness finally. And I used to believe that naively.
The truth is, there’s no someday and there’s no someone and it’s just you on your own. I don’t want to sound pessimistic or bitter or whatsoever, but if you keep waiting for someone to make you happy and give your life meaning and purpose, then you will not just end up alone, but you might as well become miserable with an empty life.
So just live your life like it’s just going to be always you on your own and if this someone decides to come someday, then good for them, if not, then whatever, you were happy anyway.
I didn’t want to write for a while. In fact I even deleted whatever I wrote and blocked whatever thoughts that have flown in my mind. I knew whatever I was going to say was going to be weak, vulnerable and broken. Yes I was broken, maybe still am a little. Not just my heart, but my soul, my mind, everything within me was just broken. I got depressed, I, the most cheerful and optimistic person you could ever meet got depressed. I wanted to do nothing with my life I didn’t have the power mentally, emotionally or even physically to do anything, and it all started with a broken heart. I’m not saying it did all this to me, but as we say we med students, it was the main aetiology (sorry I’m still overwhelmed with exams). One thing led to another and I started looking at all the negative aspects of my life and as I said, I ended up broken.
What healed me? Or even got me started with the healing process? It was anger. I got angry and decided that I will not let feelings tear me down. Yes it all started with feelings and I don’t even want to get started with how weak, vulnerable and stupid they make you. It was my first and is going to be my last time to have them, because I don’t repeat the same mistake twice. What happened? It’s more about what did not happen actually. It’s surprising actually how silence can break your heart. How things that don’t happen are what tear you apart. I did everything I could possibly do, I followed my heart (which by the way I’m not following again, at least not without my mind along with it) and all I got was Nada (nothing in Spanish and my name by the way). Nothing, silence, no reaction, was all I got. And this is what broke my heart.
I am better now, or at least I’d like to think so. I will survive I know. And to look at the bright side, it was better to get closure and start learning to move on rather than continuing to believe in false hopes and wait for things that will never happen. It broke me but at least I can now sleep peacefully knowing that I’ve done my best and it was just not meant to be. It broke me but I will gather my scattered dignity, pull myself together and move on. Maybe it was a way to help me grow up and learn to not just be driven by my instincts and blindly follow my heart, maybe it was meant to teach me a lesson, maybe it was supposed to change me to a new better person. I don’t know. Whatever it is that was the purpose of all this, I will be fine, because I believe bad things always happen for a good reason.
If each one of us keeps waiting for the other to take a step or make a move or even talk first, then no one will ever do it and we will be both left wondering. So I decided to take all the risks I could, do whatever it takes and leave nothing to the what could have beens, what ifs and the regrets of what I haven’t done. And if it doesn’t work out? If it fails? If it doesn’t end up so well? At least I will live in peace with the fact that I’ve done all I could, I’ve tried my best and it was just not meant to be. And you? You should try doing so too because life is too short to waste it over-thinking and waiting.
So the only link between me and you is over now. Why did it have to end so soon? And now I’m having a post depression thinking of how will I get to see you and talk to you again. Regardless of how dreadful that link was, I’ve always loved it. I loved it for bringing you to me, for helping me find excuses to see you, talk to you and spend time with you, I just could never hate it no matter what it did to me, in fact I’m even so upset it had to end. I knew it was going to one day, but I just couldn’t see it until today, when I realized it might be the last time I talk to you, at least for now.
My friends tell me it won’t be hard for me to figure a way but I want you to figure one too and prove that the link was not what we had, it was just a way to something bigger than that.
Every now and then I vow and swear that I’ll never talk to you again, that I’ll never take any other step or make any move before you do, that I’m done with you and that I’ll try to move on and find someone who will not let me make things I’ve never done before, who will let me know that he loves me and so much more, who I will not make all actions towards and hope for a positive response; and you, I will just get off my head, let go of and forget.
As long as I don’t see you it seems to be going well, except that I think about you most of the time and write about you and talk about you, but I claim I’m fine. Give me a couple of days or a couple of weeks maximum or just let me see your face, and Oh My God if I talked to you, that’s it! I forget whatever I said and decided to do, i realise how much I miss you, I get back to falling in love with you, can’t wait to see you again and again, and write about you even more.
If only you could read between the lines and see the hidden messages that tell you all that you need to know. If there was just a way to let you understand how much you mess with my feelings and emotions like no one has before. How actually I developed feelings for no one else but you, and how hard this is for me that sometimes I wish I could get back in time and stay single and emotionless for life. But there is also this part in me that enjoys and loves every good moment of it and hopes that you do have the same feelings and that one day we will both talk about how hard it was for us and wonder how none of us got what the other was trying to show.
Until this day ever comes I will keep trying as long as there is hope, as long as you keep giving me those small signs that I believe do mean something, and I will wait for the large ones with all my might; and bare in mind that I’m a very impatient person, so what I’m doing now, waiting and trying, is harder for me than you can imagine. But if you take that hope away from me, if you mistreat me or make me feel humiliated and that all my effort has gone in vain, then my dignity will rise and take control, beat my heart out, regardless of all the pain, until it stops loving you and regrets ever loving at all.
And now I know how it feels when my heart skips a beat, when I smile involuntarily and constantly, to be silly but happy and to not be able to exactly define how I feel. I understand jealousy and know how it is to be overwhelmed and obsessively think about someone. But all this feels good, it feels great, and at least I’m happy I know that.
The past 20 years of my life I never knew, I never understood and all I was good at was making fun of what I believed was over exaggerating and total nonsense. The myths of breathlessness and the heart skipping a beat, the idea of being whipped and overwhelmed, or the fact that your mood is controlled by another person’s actions or the illusion that seeing them or talking to them instantly makes you happier, and the excuse that your IQ drops and you get mentally retarded and speech impaired with them, oh and the concept of jealousy; to me all this was just unbelievable inexplicable total nonsense and the farthest thing from being logical.
Everyone would tell me you’ll never know unless you try, and I believed that it will never happen or when it does I will still not behave in such nonsense. And now nonsense is all I do. I believe now that with seeing me behave this way, everyone has got their revenge, and all their humiliated dignities and underestimated feelings have been avenged, yet I couldn’t care less. I know I have nothing solid to hold on to but I’m willing to take the risk and handle all the consequences because for the first time it feels like it’s totally worth it.
It’s not something I can control but I try my best I swear. It’s not like I have an on and off button for my brain. And even when I try to stop thinking about it for a while and convince myself that I’m done, part of me deep inside still wants to go on. That deep part keeps fighting until it resurfaces and takes over my thoughts again and I weaken up and decide to give it another shot.
Although most of the advice I get is to back off, and it seems reasonable and convincing enough, this part within me believes in something else. It tells me that they don’t know, they’re not the ones who directly deal with him, they’re not the ones who feel that vibe and get that strange beautiful inexplicable feeling. Maybe the statistics are against it but you have to follow your instincts. And I give up and listen to that small part within, rush into a thoughtless decision and pray to God it ends up well, and it does. That’s when I have all my faith restored and all my high hopes back and happiness overwhelms my heart, until my mind decides again to take charge and remind of the practical facts. And in this endless dilemma I live, not knowing who to follow, who to believe; my mind or the small part deep inside?
Everyone I know keeps telling me that you will come and bring me someone that will make me realise why there never was anyone else. He will be the perfect person for me, the love of my life, my soulmate, the one for me.
And I keep wondering, is someone a person I haven’t met, or a person I know but is afraid to admit, or a person I want but is still not sure about me yet.
So dear someday, whoever that someone is, just hurry up and bring him because the longer you’re taking, I start to question you ever coming and doubt the existence of this someone, and I’m afraid to lose hope and give up to the point where I stop believing in you that even when you show up, I wouldn’t even know.
I miss the past 20 years of my life when my feelings were dormant and I used to believe that jealousy was irrational; when I was single and happy and couldn’t care less. Yes I’m still single, probably forever alone too, but I have feelings, and that’s the worst place anyone could be at you know. I am not single careless and free nor am I in a relationship cute and happy. I’m in this place where I have feelings and I don’t know how the other person feels and it’s driving me crazy. The overthinking, the sleepless nights, the depression attacks and the the overconsumption of chocolate to try to ease all that; a place no one would want to be at. Why has this happened to me? I have no idea. But probably to be thankful for being single and regret ever having feelings for anyone. Oh how I miss those good old days.
If you still didn’t get the fact that my writing is about you, then I will start to question your IQ, because the only thing left unsaid is your name and that’s it. And if you know that it is and you choose to leave me like this, then this is even worse. If you feel the same way like I do but choose to not show, then there must be a reason that I need to know. If you don’t have feelings for me, then just make it clear instead of driving me crazy. Whatever it is how you feel towards me, just let me know and end my misery.
I’ve reached the point where I’m done of having to always take the first step and make the first move. I am done of having to wait for a positive reaction from you to every action I do. I would like to see you try hard and make an effort to get me, to show me that you too have feelings for me. I have done more than enough, I did all that I could do and tried my best to not hurt my ego. So I think it is now your turn to try, to over-think, have some sleepless nights and maybe get depressed at some point, in an attempt to prove that what I’ve done for you was worth it and that you are making an effort too, to show me that you feel the same way like I do. Do something, I’m giving up on you. Prove me wrong, please I want you to.
With all my heart I wish, and in my head I imagine, the day you come tell me that the same way I do you feel.
I imagine you telling me that you’ve had something towards me ever since you saw me, that I overwhelmed your thoughts, and that I made you nervous. And I imagine myself telling you that you’re the first person I’ve ever developed feelings towards and that you made me do things to never do I swore. And that’s when you’ll tell me that you always longed for the few minutes you see me and loved the couple of hours you spent with me even if we were working, and that day we spent just talking was one of your favourites. I’ll tell you that you have no idea how these days were the ones I was the happiest and that they always inspired me to write something; that you have become my source of inspiration when it comes to writing, my obsession when it comes to thinking and my favourite topic when it comes to talking. You’ll let me know that you were always afraid I don’t have feelings for you because with friendliness I treat everyone I know and you just thought that it might not mean something what I do, and that is why you tried your best to keep your feelings at guard and not show anything until you had a sign to make you feel secure. And this is when I laugh and say that a sign from you is what I always longed for, is what days and nights I kept praying for and its absence is what at times made me lose hope and almost give up on you; but the moment I see your face, all these thoughts behind I throw and I just get so overwhelmed in you. You’ll surprisingly tell me that you never thought I had such strong feelings for you, you believed I had something but just not that intense and I’ll laugh again and tell you that I thought of exactly the same thing. I’ll tell you how I never had feelings before and how I used to laugh at and make fun of couples and hate romantic movies and songs and how you just made everyone I know get their revenge from all the times I made fun of them and underestimated their feelings. I’ll tell you about the day I first saw you and we will get flashbacks and remember all the things we used to do and talk about how each one of us felt at that time and what we thought about and we’ll just keep talking forever and open up to each other; and to me this will be the best conversation ever.
This is something honestly I imagine a lot and wish could happen with all my heart to the extent that the thought that it might not happen, scares me a lot and I immediately push it out of my head. Of course the conversation doesn’t have to go exactly this way; but the declaration of feelings, the flashbacks and explanation of actions, is what I’m longing for and the day it happens I’m sure is going to be on of my happiest if not the most of all, because this is going to be the best conversation I’ve had so far.
If only you knew how I feel about you. If only you knew how I become in front of you. How mentally retarded and speech impaired I become, and the shyness and nervousness that overwhelm me. Things nonexistent in my true personality. If only you knew how the simplest action you do makes me feel. How happy you make me when I see you and how on top of the world I am when I talk to you.
I wish we could throw all the formalities behind us and break all the borders. I wish we could get to know each other more. If only you knew how a casual unprofessional conversation with you makes me feel.
I know I keep telling myself to not have high hopes. I know I keep trying to be a realist. But the moment I see your face all theses thoughts vanish. If only there was a way to tell you how I feel about you, without affecting my ego. If only there was a way to know if you felt the same way like I do. If only…
It is the small details that matter most. Like when you know the things I love or wait for me when I come across. Like when you notice the books I read or remember something I told you about before. Like when you try to extend a conversation a few more seconds or postpone a goodbye and say one last thing before I leave. To me, this is what matters most. This is what you unconsciously do and reflects how you really feel. This is better than some big action you think a lot before you do. That’s why to me, the small things are what makes my day.
The day I see you I write. It’s like you have become my only source of inspiration. My conversations revolve around you. It’s like you have become my obsession. My thoughts are mostly about you. It’s like I have nothing else to think of. And it scares me, because if you don’t feel the same way, then I’m in deep shit.
I can not deny that the happiness you bring upon me, the day I see you and the few minutes I talk to you or the hours working I spend with you, is enough to keep me going on, is enough to make me feel that it’s worth the effort. Although it is proof enough that I’m whipped and totally overwhelmed, it is not something that I am ashamed of. The only thing that’s keeping me from telling everyone I know that I love you, from telling you yourself that I do, is my ego. My dignity and ego. I can’t survive them being hurt.
Say something, do something, or even give me a sign, something to keep me going on, something to give me strength, something to give me patience.
He had me at hello, yes he did. The moment I saw him something within me ticked. And this is when it all started. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s something before I’ve never felt.
-And then what?
I became whipped, totally overwhelmed.
-And what did you do about it?
I did everything I could do, and I’m still doing so; every possible action that might not affect my ego.
-And how did it go?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
-Then why didn’t you just let go?
I also don’t know and I wish if there was something solid I could hold on to.
-And if there’s not?
I can’t even handle the thought.