All The Love I Have Inside

Sometimes, the thought that all that love I have unused inside my heart might be given to someone unworthy, scares me. So I clutch it tight in my chest and hold on to it with all my might. And then the thought of all that love never being given to anyone, scares me even more. Don’t get me wrong, I give away love to everything and everyone that I cross paths with, but there’s this special reservoir I have saved for that one person I haven’t even met yet, and I’m afraid I either use it up on someone wrong or never get to use it at all.

I’ve lasted for so long without using it. I may have let it leak for a while, but I never let it flow, always knowing when to seal it tight, and so I never regretted letting some of it go. I might spill some of it along the way, but it will always be there in full capacity. I’m just afraid it is too late and I give up on using it, that I start spilling it everywhere and when finally that person comes, they’re left with nothing, and all that love that has been saved forever for them, will be gone. But I also believe, if I was capable of holding all that love in for so long, then I can start all over again when it’s gone, I can start all over again when I have a motive right in front of me to fill myself up again, maybe even to adequately fit this one person that time.

So dear person who’s supposed to be the love of my life, my soulmate, or whatever they call it nowadays, I have love enough to last you in all your lifetimes in all the universes in all the timelines, and if it’s not enough, don’t worry for I am a bottomless well of emotions. Not only will you be loved endlessly and unconditionally, but you will also be lucky enough to be loved eternally, to exist in words, in poetry, to be everlastingly portrayed as art for the whole world to see. And that my love, that is just one of the perks of being loved by me. So whoever you are, wherever you are, you’re one lucky person and I’m sure I will be one, too. And even if I never get to meet you, know that you were going to be loved more than you ever imagined. And if you don’t exist, then at least I know I had it in me to give so much love.

Now everyone, go sleep knowing that someone out there loves you enough to write about you before even knowing you exist, or thinks about you when imagining happy moments of the future. You are loved more than you can ever imagine, and I hope one day you all get to feel it.

—Nada Shahin

Artwork by Erika Kuhn


In A Couple Of Years

In a couple of years, your dream will come true and you’ll be living in America just like you’ve always wanted to. You’ll fool around a lot, thinking it will heal your shattered heart. You’ll meet a lot of great people, but none of them will be the one. You’ll feel like this is it, all you ever wanted from life has happened to you, but you still won’t get why you feel so blue. You’re grateful for where you are and what you’ve become, and you’re definitely having the time of your life, but at the end of the day, you sleep alone in your bed and you wake up to no one but your cute golden retriever dog. Except the days when you’ve hooked up with someone the previous night, or the times you had a girlfriend but it didn’t work out. You’ve embraced the loneliness. It doesn’t bother you. It’s comfortable and familiar, and keeps the remains of your heart safe and sealed. You wanted this, you try to convince yourself. I call you because I’m in the country for a couple of days and I haven’t seen you in years. That phone call becomes the highlight of your day. We have coffee and catch up, and that becomes the highlight of your week. I tell you I’m still single, and suddenly you feel lighter. You ask me why, I look at you intently with those puppy eyes of mine you’ve always gotten lost in, and smile, so your heart skips a beat. You ask me after all those years and I say always, you kiss me. And suddenly everything makes sense, everything falls into place and you realize you’ve finally found that missing puzzle piece. And then you wake up, and it’s just you alone in your bed with that searing pain and emptiness in your chest, and your dog licking your face trying to wake you up. But this time you make sure that you will not repeat the same mistake twice. And you call me.

—Nada Shahin

Artwork by Dai Aly

I Want You

I want you.

I want you
I want you
in all the romantic ways
the excruciatingly painful ones,
and in every possible way out there
that I know and don’t know of.

I want you mine.
I want to wake up to you by my side,
I want to be the one you run to from the world and hide,
I want to dive deep into you,
and never be rescued.

I want you to know
that I’m here for as long as you want me to stay,
that I’m more than enough,
that I could be the best thing that has ever happened to you if you let me be,
that I’m worth the risk,
worth the wait
and even worth the pain.

I want you
to stop fighting
to surrender
and realize that

you want me
just as much
just as painfully.

—Nada Shahin

Don’t Tell Me Anything

Don’t tell me how much you want to kiss me,
because we both know the only kiss we’ll ever have is a goodbye.
Don’t tell me to stay,
when we both know that every day we spent together is just one day closer to your departure.
Don’t tell me I am beautiful,
because each time I feel this way, I will be reminded that you’re the one who made me believe it.
Don’t tell me I light up your life,
when you turned off the lights of mine on your way out.

Don’t tell me anything
because I’d rather be ignored and ignorant
than be hurt.

—Nada Shahin

Artwork by WanJin GIM

The More I Look Into Your Eyes

The more I look into your eyes,
the more I get drawn closer to you,
as if you have some intense magnetic force attracting the barbed wires and fences all over my heart.

And it’s not just my heart that you mess with,
but you also get all my other body parts turbulent.
From the whole zoo going crazy in my stomach,
to fighting the many restraints holding me from just grabbing your face and kissing your pain away.
And that’s just the censored version, baby.

Your smile melts my heart every single time.
Your eyes hypnotize me and make me forget the world for a while.
Your touch electrifies me,
and the impulse flows through every neuron in my body,
sending shivers through my spine.

I burn
I pine
I perish

And damn you for making me feel all this,
for the very first time.

—Nada Shahin

I Froze

For a moment
the sun was trying to cover your face
so your eyes shone in a perfect shade of golden brown
stealing the spotlight from the sun.
And as if that wasn’t enough,
your perfectly symmetrical smile thought it wouldn’t miss the chance to join,
making the sun feel really stupid for trying to outshine you,
so it gave up and kissed you instead,
as if the scene needed to be more spellbinding.

And I froze,
I forgot what I was saying,
but why would I even let my voice interrupt this beautiful view?
And beautiful here is an understatement.
So I froze,
and engraved this piece of art in my head,
because wasting my time trying to physically capture this moment,
would be a loss I can’t afford.

So I froze,
because that’s the most appropriate reaction I could think of.

—Nada Shahin

The Ocean

Photograph by Mahin Fayaz

There’s something about me,
something I’m not exactly sure what it is,
that makes people run away
after they reach a certain depth,
and some even run
when the water just touches their legs.

They all love what they see,
they’re all interested in the stories they hear,
they even go as far as making an effort to stand by the shore and be captivated by its beauty.
And they keep moving forward until a wave comes,
even if it doesn’t hit them,
it still scares them off.

And I thought,
maybe I should calm the waves down, maybe I should keep hiding what’s underneath the clear blue waters deep down.
But then I also remembered,
that even my biggest strongest waves sometimes look beautiful,
and the secrets I hold deep down are a part of me I can’t ignore,
and if they can’t get past the shore,
it’s them who are missing on the beauty and mystery I uphold.

Maybe they don’t know how to swim,
maybe what lies underneath the waters scares them,
maybe they are not fond of the ocean,
or just can’t handle its complexities and fluctuations.

And it’s fine.
It’s fine because someday sometime, someone will want to dive right into the ocean and explore each and every corner of both its clearest and darkest parts,
someday sometime,
someone will surf the waves fearlessly and will fight back when the waves throw them off.
And on an even better day,
someone will do both,
and will want to spend the rest of their life deciphering and interpreting the ocean,
falling in love with every detail they encounter,
until the ocean becomes so familiar,
until the ocean becomes home.

And until then,
I won’t change a thing.
My clear blue surface will keep captivating the passers by,
my waves will hit as hard as they wish,
and I will embrace all the mysteries underneath,
and laugh at those who run
when the water touches their legs.

—Nada Shahin

The Love We Think We Deserve

I might have come across Stephen Chbosky’s quote “We accept the love we think we deserve” several times, but never paid that much attention to it. But today when I heard it in the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” I didn’t just let it pass over my head like I usually do. Maybe because they were talking about why do good people usually settle for less than what they deserve in relationships, and that was something I have never done. In fact, I’ve never even been in a relationship, and a lot of people have always told me that it was because I was too good and deserved better.

But what if I’m just arrogant? What if I just think I deserve someone that does not exist? Or even worse, someone that I do not even deserve? I mean, I must have come across good people at one point or another, right? Then why have I never settled for any of them? Why have I never accepted any kind of love? Is it possible that I really am so full of myself, or is it much more complicated than that? Is being good really all that matters? Is it enough? Or is there so much more to it than just being good?

Let’s drift off the relationships a little bit and think of friendships. I’ve had horrible friendships, been under-appreciated by a lot of people who I eagerly accepted that love of theirs that was definitely much less than what I deserved. So how come I’ve been able to be this person in one aspect of my life and a totally different one in another? Or is choosing a partner a much more specific process and so I end up being more picky? Or maybe, just maybe, it is remotely possible that I have actually not met a person who would give me the love I deserve because it is rather a more qualitative perspective rather than a quantitative one? Like we all deserve certain types of love rather than amounts and it’s not about someone who loves you a lot, but it’s more likely about someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. As if each one of us has their love specifically tailored for them, that no matter how many perfect people they meet, and no matter how much love they’re given, it will not be the same as that one that perfectly fits.

Think about it. You only spend the rest of your life with one partner but have at least a few friends. Each friend loves you in a different way, and gives you just a piece of that love you deserve, but you’re not missing much because they somehow all chip in with different puzzle pieces and you have a big part of the picture filled. But then there’s this one person who needs to at least fill the rest of the puzzle alone, and to some people they may even be a whole new puzzle on their own, and it’s no longer as simple as it was with your friends. Here, you need to be very specific and as picky as you wish to get. But guess what, they say no matter how smart and careful you are, when that person comes you’ll just know it; and I never knew it. You’re supposed to fall so deep and not know what hit you or how it hit you but still enjoy every moment of it, and I’ve been standing still for as long as I can remember.

We do accept the love we think we deserve and I believe that even if we think we deserve more, it will always be much better than settling for less. There is no shame in loving yourself a little bit extra, and accepting some more love in your life, because that, you sure as hell deserve.

—Nada Shahin

Dear Person trying to get closer with incomprehensible behavior

Artwork by Dai Aly

Dear Person trying to get closer with incomprehensible behavior,

I am tired of your shit. I don’t know what we are and I just can’t keep pretending it’s alright. You either won’t stop talking or won’t talk at all. And when you talk, you talk about very generic superficial boring topics. Or you reply every 12 hours, usually very early in the day or very late at night; the times when you’re most bored and lonely at. You come and go as you will. One day you’re all over the place, the other I have no idea where have you disappeared. When I tease you about your inconsistency, you blame it on me, and when I drift for a second, you make me feel like I’m the bad person. You make sure I’m hooked up and that I get used to your existence. You make your presence in my life, a habit. A very bad one. And once you sense that I’m tired of your inconsistency, you give me something to hold on to, enough to push away the doubts for a while.

But I’m tired of temporary pain killers without treating the cause. I’m tired of being treated like an antibiotic dose. And I think I deserve to know what am I to you and where do you exactly want us to go.

Am I someone you’re interested in knowing better? Because then you would speak more and get into deeper conversations. Am I someone you have feelings for? Because that is not how you treat someone you like at all. Am I a friend? Because a friend needs you to always be there no matter what.

Or am I what I fear most, something to kill time when you’re bored? Because if so, I will not accept being treated as the games on your phone when there’s no internet connection. I will not accept being treated as a TV set at 3 am. I will not accept being treated any less than the way I deserve.

So make up your mind. Decide what I am to you and try to make some effort to make it true. Decide what I am to you or just leave, because if you really think of me as a way to kill time, then I don’t want you. And next time you try to enter someone’s life, make sure you know what you want.

Discovering Myself

I keep discovering a lot of things about myself that sometimes, I surprise me. Things like that I’m stronger than I think I am. That I have the ability to forgive people no matter what. That I’m starting to let go of all the things and all the people that may let me down or break me, and that it is not as hard as I thought it could be. That letting things out makes me feel better. That I’m becoming more in peace with a lot of things that I usually thought would break me. That when I want something I get it and work hard for it. That I have so much persistence and perseverance. That I have so much love in my heart, and that it’s okay that I care like a mother because that’s the utmost and noblest form of caring and loving. That I’m kinder than I thought I could be, and if my kindness is the only good thing in me, then I want it to be, because this world needs a little kindness and if I can provide some, then I will do it as much as I could. That I am not ordinary, not plain, not simple, and that I might be an open book but you have to thoroughly read the pages to understand it. That I might be socially awkward, but once I get comfortable around a complete stranger I become so friendly and sociable. That I just want people to trigger the right conversations and touch my soul, and I could easily communicate with them. That I have grown up and matured a lot, and I keep becoming more mature not just every year, but maybe every couple of months. That all my flaws and quirks are part of who I am and make up my identity, and that I should love and embrace them until I find someone else to do that with me. That I don’t need love or a man and I could be fine on my own, but if someone shows up I wouldn’t hate it either, as long as they don’t change a thing about who I am and what I want to be.

Not Enough

Artwork by Ernesto Artillo


I’ve struggled a lot to identify myself,
Been through a lot of identity crises,
But somehow only one definition of me above all did rise,

Not enough.

I’m not enough woman
Not enough daughter
Not enough friend
Not enough dentist
Not enough entrepreneur
Not enough writer

Not enough any of the things that define me and make up my identity.

I could never belong,
Never could fit in,
Because I was just

Not enough.

I’ve grown to accept the only constant in my identity,
And I’ve come to believe that
All the not enoughs in me
Make me who I am,

And that is


Just Listen

Artwork by Dai Aly

I talk to a friend about my problems, and they try proving they’ve got bigger ones. I’m depressed and my mum asks me what’s wrong, I try to explain, so she tells me to suck it up because I’ve seen nothing yet.

And when I lose control, when the tough face I’ve forever been trying to pull falls off, and I just break down like the weak fragile person I really am, I finally gain their sympathy and attention, and all I get is: “It’s okay, we all go through a lot and it’s all in your head, if you want to be happy, you’ll figure a way out”.

If I want to be happy?
You think I want to NOT be happy?
You think I enjoy being a grenade just waiting for something to disrupt its peace and pull the pin so it could just explode and release all the pressure within?

Because I walk around constantly on the verge of breaking down, held together with worn out tape that lost function. 

Because I crave any few alone moments I can get but still hate to know that I’m lonely and I’m all on my own against this world. 

Because I overthink until my brain crashes and malfunctions, and for a while I just become the most random spontaneous irrational person, which I really am, and I either end up being grateful for it or forever overthink about it.

So don’t tell me how easy it is to be happy, because you have never been in my shoes, and you sure as hell have no idea how painful are my shoes even though they perfectly fit me.

I don’t know how to explain to you how I feel. And honestly, I never want you to understand completely because then you’ll have to go through it and I would never wish this upon anyone. 

So when I tell you what’s wrong with me, don’t tell me to be happy.

Just listen to me.

Listen to me because that might make me happy.

Break Your Walls

Artwork by Dai Aly

Break your walls,

Let me see that side of you that’s never been seen.

Let me heal the wounds beneath the scars you try to conceal.

Break your walls,

Let me fix the brokenness underneath that smile. 

Let me decipher the messages hidden in your eyes.

Break your walls,

Let your heart take off its shield and expose its deformities. 

Let your brain get naked and release its contents uncensored. 

Break your walls,

Set your soul free,

Let it collide and intertwine with mine,


Break your walls,

Break my walls,

So I can finally be me.

Happy New Year?

I think many people would agree when I say that 2016 was one horrible year and we’ve seen enough comics and memes portraying this fact. At the last day of each year, I make a list of accomplishments before the new year’s resolutions, and I thought that since this year went so badly, I wouldn’t be able to find any, but I did.
My biggest accomplishment was actually the beginning of a dream come true. I started up and launched my very own business, Persona, who will not only be an online magazine, but will also be a platform for talent development and exposure, and this is just the beginning. I’ve seen it grow and progress and become an accomplishment I will always be proud of and that will always be a huge part of me and something that defines me.  
It was the reason I got to witness the best day of my life so far, where we held that open mic event, Persona Speaks, and it was a huge success, better than anything we’ve ever imagined. Persona was also the reason I went to one of the biggest entrepreneurial events, RiseUp Summit, and I met a lot of amazing inspiring people and learned so much. But that was not it.  

Not only did I get to meet one of my favourite people on the planet, The British Ambassador John Casson, but I also spoke to him and took a photo with him and that was the highlight of my year! So, apparently I will never be able to totally hate 2016 and throw it behind my back. 
My other accomplishments would be managing to balance Persona, studying dentistry, and working first as an English instructor, and recently as a Science teacher. I also started taking a digital marketing diploma and I’m applying for a finance one when I’m done. 
Other things happened that were not accomplishments but were still a source of happiness and they range from crossing parasailing off my bucket list and getting a cat, Phoebe, that I love more than most humans. 
So, I guess 2016 not just only bought with it a couple of great accomplishments, but also made me realize that I’m way more tougher than I think I am, that I really am a strong independent woman and that if I can go through such a terrible year and accomplish so much on my own despite all that, then I really can be whatever I want, I really can do anything I set my mind to and I really can do it all on my own and that I really need no one. And that is a very comforting and relieving and empowering realization to come to. 
I have a feeling 2017 will be my year (probably just because I’ll graduate) and even if it’s not, I’ll find a way to make it count. 
Happy New Year everyone and I hope 2017 is kinder to you than that crappy year we’ve just been through. 


Photo by Abdo Hassan

I dress according to my mood and it’s mostly comfortable slightly homeless looking clothes and a pair of crocs or sneakers, and I’m fine with that. I only know the names of the basic colors, I have no idea what burgundy or aquamarine are but I still have decent fashion sense and I know how to match colors even if I don’t know their names. I’m no fashionista and I find no problem in wearing the same outfit twice during the same week as long as I’ve washed it and it’s clean.

I don’t know what’s a no makeup look because this is how I look everyday because I don’t know how to wear makeup and I find no shame in that; I’m just comfortable with my natural look. I do have my days where I wake up with the mood and time to dress up and wear a little basic makeup (with the limited knowledge I have) and walk down the streets like I’m the only girl in the world, very well aware that I might not be the prettiest girl, but I sure as hell feel like one and that is what matters.

I love shoes, especially boots. For some unknown reason, wearing boots makes me feel ten times more confident and ready to conquer the world. I hate wearing high heels for the excruciating pain they bring upon my feet and the fact that they make me walk like a penguin (don’t get me wrong, penguins are cute), and so it’s a blessing that I’m already tall and don’t really need them. I wear them during special occasions just because I love the feeling of entering a place and feeling like the tallest person in the room even if for the few moments before I take them off and walk around barefooted. And I’m okay with looking elegant for a while and then have people look at the girl walking around barefooted at a wedding or at her own prom.

I love football and I might not be the craziest fan out there or a walking football encyclopedia, but I deserve to love it and not be judged based on my gender or pass an exam that goes back to who invented the game just to be approved of by the guys who love it and probably don’t know half of what I know about it. Nor do I have to prove to the girls that it’s okay to love football and still be one of them, and that after I watch the game, we can all go shop till we drop, because I sure as hell love that too more than anything.

I hate cheesy romantic songs, and I find them unrealistic and hilarious and not “aww” worthy at all. My music taste is very diverse and my favourite genre is rock. So one moment I could be listening to Metallica and the other I would be humming Frank Sinatra, and that doesn’t even have anything to do with me being or not being a girly girl, but it’s just more related to the fact that I can relate more to the lyrics of the songs I love, that I love and enjoy any kind of beautiful music, and that I’m forever alone so the romantic stuff doesn’t really get to me because you just can’t love what you don’t understand.

I walk in quick long strides and I have no idea what to do with my arms, so I either swing them around or keep them occupied with a book and a travel mug. I’m so clumsy, I sometimes spill food when I eat and I believe the right way to eat pizza is with your hands. I sit with my legs spread, I talk with my hands like my mum always tells me, I can be loud and I don’t think before I speak; but that only means I’m comfortable, and that I’m enjoying the conversation and the company. 

I have been told a countless number of times that the reason I’m still single is my non-lady like attitude and that men see me more as a buddy or a bro rather than a cute feminine lady to be loved. And that also my strong independent “I need no one I can handle it on my own” attitude pushes men away because men like to feel needed and more superior and I’m not capable of making anyone feel like that. 

I’m not a girly girl nor am I tomboy as I’ve been called most of my life. I’m just a girl, a woman, a human, and these are the only words I should be labeled with, if I were ever to be labeled in the first place. You can be one thing or do both or even be neither one at all, you can be whatever you wish to be as long as you’re happy and that’s what really matters after all.

I Want Special

I’ve never been told, “I like you” or “I love you”. And I’ve sometimes whined about that I know that I haven’t met the one yet, but it won’t hurt to have someone tell you they like you every once in a while, to feel loved you know.

But to my surprise, when I was at the verge of being told these words from someone I had no feelings towards, I panicked and I prayed that it doesn’t happen. And I realized that I want the first time I hear those words to be the last, that I want them to be special and worth the wait, that I haven’t wasted my life being single imagining all kinds of possible scenarios of how am I going to react when I finally find the one and hear those words for the first time. I don’t want to feel loved by people I don’t care about, I just want one person to love me truly.

I also realized that I am single not because like I always believed that I’m undesirable or unloved, but actually it’s the other way around, it’s because I haven’t loved someone yet, I haven’t met someone who I really wanted to hear my first and last “I love you” from. 

Now I know that I should just let it go and wait for it to happen, knowing that even when it doesn’t, then I haven’t actually missed anything. I want special, I want once in a lifetime, and I won’t settle for anything less, even if it means I end up with nothing. 

Beautiful Mess

Artwork by Dai Aly

I don’t think someone will rescue me from the darkness,
No, I’m in too deep already. 

I don’t think someone will fix me,

I’m too damaged already. 

I don’t think someone will guide me through life,

I’m too lost already.

I don’t think someone will make me happy in ways I’ve never thought possible,

I’m too miserable already. 

I think if someone is to ever see all this in me and still stay,

Then that’s good enough already. 

I think if someone sees all this and actually accepts it,

Then that’s even better. 

But I think if someone sees all this and believes it’s nothing but a beautiful mess that nothing is wrong with,

Then that would be the best thing to ever happen,

That would be the one true love who against all odds will be there no matter what,

That will be my perfectly messed up happily ever after.

Life’s Endless Circle

Photograph by Terry Asteryx

It gets dark,

Darker than you ever imagined it could be,

So dark that you adjust,

So dark that you no longer fear it,

That darkness becomes your friend,

And the only one you’ve got.

And before you know it,

You’re right outside that tunnel,

Where everything is bright and sunny,

You don’t know sunny,

You want darkness,

Your friend,

The only thing you understand,

But sunny overwhelms your life,

Then slowly overtakes your soul,

That you fall in love with sunny,

And just when you thought you could live like that,

Happily ever after,

In a blink of an eye,

Sunny leaves,

You’re broken hearted, lonely and shattered,

But your old friend darkness has always been there for you,

Until sunny comes back again out of the blue,

And you learn to adapt to that too.

So you keep alternating from friend to lover,

And that my friend is life’s endless circle.

The Best Day Of My Life

Artwork by Dai Aly

I used to think “the best day of my life” is a very overrated and unrealistic expression, until today. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great days, and I think that we all have good days but there’s no such thing as “the best day”. 

Today I witnessed the best day of my life (so far), and it was perfect to the point where I didn’t know how to feel, where I wasn’t able to express my happiness because until now I’m still struggling with processing what happened. It was better than the most optimistic and best case scenario I had in mind, and it seems that the skeptic in me that has developed recently is going to be silenced for a while, and my old optimistic self will rise again from its long dormancy after I thought it was dead and forever gone. 

There were numerous struggles and obstacles along the way that I set myself to accept whatever that happens and be just glad it passed by with the least amount of losses. But if it weren’t for all these struggles, I might have not again started to believe that bad things happen for a good reason. Yes, I now believe in that too. 

I still don’t know how to feel or what to say. I mean I finally witnessed the best day of my life, I know what much better than the best case scenario looks like, and I believe that bad things happen for a good reason, and that is a lot of optimism and positivity for anyone to handle. But add one more thing to this rainbows and butterflies list; as cliché as it may seem, I now don’t just believe that dreams do come true, I believe that sometimes there’s even what’s way more better than them, and when you work hard for it, when you do your best, life then decides to cut you some slack and let you enjoy the outcome of your effort, and to your surprise, it may be way more better than what you expected and more than anything you ever wanted.

But you know what’s the problem with dreams? Once they come true, you want more, and now all I can think of is “what next?”, but this time I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be better than anything I have in mind and that I can sure as hell do it. 


Artwork by Dai Aly

I don’t want someone to gather my broken pieces together,

Or hold me tight that they get fixed,

Or heal my scars till they disappear.

I just want someone to leave me as I am,

To not attempt to change anything,

To see the beauty in this mess,

To actually love this chaos,

And know that it’s okay to be flawed and imperfect,

That not everything broken should be fixed,

That not all scars should be healed,

That wreckage can be magnificent.

I’m A Mess

Artwork by Dai Aly

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how fine I look.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how happy I seem.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how much I try to pull myself together.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of the tough exterior I try to maintain.

I’m a mess,

And it doesn’t matter how hard you try to find the right words to describe me,

How you try to prove to me all the great things I can be.

Still, nothing better fits me,

Nothing better defines me,

Because I’m a mess.


Artwork by Dai Aly

We imagine scenarios in our heads that should’ve been turned into real actions,

And we do a lot of things that we never even wanted.

We don’t follow our hearts nor do we follow our minds,

But instead we follow illogical assumptions and other people’s examples.

Little do we know that each one of us is the creator of their own story,

Little do we know that within our own instincts lies our happiness,

That taking the risk and the worst case scenario happening,

Is still more comforting than hiding and avoiding our heart’s desire,

That hesitance will do us no good but living in regrets and what could’ve beens.

And so our lives become a series of events we’ve never wished for,

And we end up living in the shadows of lives that are not even ours.
 — Nada Shahin

Her Heart

She hated how her heart controlled every decision and every action of hers,

Making a fool of her at every possible opportunity.

Then she remembered the happiness it filled her with,

The smiles it drew and the days it made,

The paths it led her to,

And the dreams its irrationality and risk-taking made true.

Yes, her heart was misused, broken and taken for granted,

But it made her who she is,

It led her to where she is,

And for the world she would never give this away.

Let those who wronged her heart regret it and pay for their actions,

But she will not change it or seal it for them.

Our Subconscious 

I believe everything we write, no matter how fictitious, bizarre or farfetched it may seem, still holds a part of our souls within. I believe everything we say, no matter how we swear it’s a joke, just slipped out or is irrelevant, holds a little truth within. 

I believe everything we do, no matter how we claim that it’s unintentional, a random action, or just happened, holds a part of will within. 

No matter how much we believe we are in full control of our minds and hearts, they find a way of coming through and controlling our actions. Our subconscious resurfaces and takes control of our conscious and we end up saying or doing what we actually feel. No matter how you try to conceal your true self, try to hide your emotions, or run away from a thought or a desire, they will all find you and there will be no way out.   

So why waste your life trying to run and hide when you will be eventually found? Why try hard to put on a mask that will eventually fall off? Why not just be yourself and embrace who you are and save all the effort? 

I Write

I write, because I tend to keep my feelings and emotions in and that’s their only way out.
I write, because it’s somehow a successful attempt to organize the chaos overwhelming my mind.

I write, because if I don’t, God knows how heavy was going to be the pile on my chest.

I write, because it heals the pain in my heart.

I write, because it’s easier to express myself behind a screen rather than confront myself or others with how I feel.

I write, because neither the pen nor the keyboard suddenly stop the words coming out unless I decide to.

I write, because neither the paper nor the screen interrupt me when I speak.

I write, because only then all the perfect scenarios in my head become possible and my imagination finally finds a home.

I write, because when I do, for a while the world around me disappears and suddenly everything starts to make sense in that perfect isolated world of my own.

I write, because I hope to inspire people and that someday my writing will help someone other than me.

I write, because I crave that moment where even just one person can say: “Your words changed my life” or “Your words saved me.”

I write, because to me it’s love, passion, therapy, and a way to make myself and sometimes others, happy.

No, I’m not a writer.

I just write.

An Ode To The Moon

When asked until a year ago,What is the moon to you?

I’d reply in blunt science,

That it is but a rock next to Earth.

But dear moon back then,

I’ve never just sat and stared at you,

and discovered the magic you behold within. 

Because now in you I see peace and beauty,

A guiding light that brings me serenity. 

And oh how majestic you become,

When you cross paths with the sun,

And how beautiful you are, 

Standing next to another star, 

And how omnipotent you look,

Right beside another planet.

Yes, an insignificant rock to science you may be,

But to lovers and dreamers you’re a beautiful magical mystery. 

20 Signs You’re Becoming An Adult (and failing at it)

1. You believe that those extra five minutes of sleep will make a great difference and give you the energy to keep going throughout your day (But that’s not true, unfortunately).
2. Sleep, again, has become the solution to all your problems, a stress-relief method, an escape from reality and all your responsibilities; simply, a temporary hideout from life. Unfortunately again, it is only temporary.

3. Procrastination has become a way of life. You procrastinate until you no longer can and then you procrastinate some more.

4. You spend money like you have money, then you end up spending at least half of the month broke as hell. One day you’re living life to the fullest and the other you’re striving to survive.

5. You have lost the power to socially interact with humans. You might pass by a lot of people you know in the hallway and pretend you haven’t seen them, or look the other way, just because you’re too exhausted to fake a smile and have a pointless small talk. You don’t hate them, you just don’t have the energy. You also don’t hangout as often as you used to. In fact you barely hangout anymore. Unless it’s a special occasion or you really miss your friends, you don’t put an effort to go out.


6. Now speaking of friends, you now have way less friends. In fact, your friends are decreasing at a scary rate that you end up having one or two real ones, and sometimes you even feel that you’ve only got yourself.


7. You cherish your alone time more than ever. In fact, you crave your alone time at a rate that might be a bit alarming, but that’s okay, you need to figure things on your own every now and then because simply nobody knows or understands you but you.

8. The weekends have lost their sacredness. They are no longer the time for you to chill out, relax and have fun. The two days feel like two hours and you spend them either sleeping or finishing work or a mixture of both.

9. You can not function without your fix. No, not drugs, but mostly coffee, or chocolate, or a smoke; one, two, or all of them with varying amounts according to the amount of stress you have. You have become so dependent on something that you start to believe you won’t be able to function without, and when it’s there you feel like the world finally makes sense, that everything is under control and that there’s nothing you can’t do now.


10. Mood swings have become part of you. One moment you could be laughing and something strikes you and an endless chain reaction starts and you immediately burst into tears or at least feel like you want to and hold them in, because as an adult that’s what you realized you should do.


11. Your disappointment threshold has increased and your expectations have reached rock bottom. Nothing surprises you anymore.


12. You laugh at things that used to break your heart and make you cry, and sometimes you wonder how were you so silly. You realize now that there are so much bigger problems in life.


13. You do not trust people easily or open up like you used to. You only talk with your closest friends and you sometimes choose who exactly to tell. You still hold a lot of stuff in most of the time, and you think that everybody doesn’t need to know everything.


14. You over-think while over-thinking about over-thinking. I think you get it; too much over-thinking.


15. Stress, anxiety and depression are no longer psychological disorders. Okay well, they still are but they have just become so common that they seem normal.


16. You’d rather handle things on your own even if you need help because this is just how you prefer things. This is how things are easier.


17. You still haven’t gotten life figured out… yet. Even when you think you do, you realize it’s not as easy as it seems, and you keep wondering if this is really what you want to do.


18. Your life has become an endless cycle of “I have no choice” and “I don’t give a damn”. Most of the time you just do what you got to do whether you like it or not, for college, work or whatever other responsibilities you have. And due to all this stress you get that moment where you’re just tired of all this and decide to throw it all away, even if for a day, regardless of the consequences. But then later on you end up with more to do and the cycle goes on.


19. You don’t even know who you are anymore. You hear the words “you’ve changed” more than your name and even you can feel it. Life has found its way and has gotten to you in a way you yourself wonder what have you become. You simply grew up, that’s what happened.


20. You resort to watching endless seasons of tv series and all the latest box office movies as a way of temporarily isolating yourself from reality and getting your mind off of things. It may not be the most effective method, but it works and it helps until reality strikes again.


Maybe life is no longer rainbows and butterflies, but for the few moments it becomes this way, it’s totally worth it. You learned to embrace all the small things and be grateful for every happy moment. You learned to know who really matters to you, and that it’s about the quality of the few loved ones who actually care, rather than a huge quantity of useless people in your life. Maybe the transition phase from being a child to an adult is tough, but once it’s over, it becomes very rewarding and again you’ll look back at those times and laugh. Just hang in there.


The Last Thing

This is going to be the last thing I write about you,Until you give me a very strong reason to write something new. 
And by strong reason I mean;

Telling me that you have feelings for me,

Anything else to me is completely unnecessary. 
I’ve wasted more than enough of my time and effort,

Writing about you and trying to let you know how I feel,

And it’s just about time that you do the same,

And treat me the way I believe I deserve. 
In your eyes I can see love,

But that alone is not enough. 

I need solid proof. 

I need something to hold on to.

I need you to clearly let me know,

Instead of the roller coaster of emotions your actions show,

Instead of the sea of assumptions I keep drowning into,

I just need a clear confession from you.
And if it doesn’t happen,

If in your heart there never was anything,

Then good,

I took the right decision to give up on you,

Cleared a place in my heart for someone new,

And got the closure I’ve been craving since forever now. 

The Pile

I tried to get rid off the pile on my chest,
They told me it was better for me,

And I listened unfortunately. 
Because people were used to me always being discrete,

Trying to handle things on my own,

Trying to always seem happy,

They were bewildered watching me let things out.
They couldn’t comprehend it at all,

And took it as offensive and aggressive manner.

So in return they started to fire back,

And I just couldn’t handle and explain the false accusations they’ve been shooting at me. 
So I stayed quiet,

I kept things in again,

Piled my feelings on top of each other, 

And simply walked away,

Just like I used to.
It seems like this is the only way I can function through,

It seems like the only me people know. 

Over You

I saw you today,
But that wasn’t the highlight of my day. 

Any gesture you’d do,

No matter how simple or small,

Used to overwhelm me,

But not anymore. 

I didn’t even notice that,

As I was too busy being happy,

Until I started processing the events of my day,

And to my surprise I realised,

That you were not the source of my happiness. 

That’s when I knew,

I was over you,

Or at least on my way there. 

Not because I wanted to,

But because you gave me no other choice.

You probably believed I would forever love you,

I would forever wait for you,

No matter what you do,

Or as a matter of fact,

What you don’t. 

But I don’t have forever to waste on you,

I don’t have forever to wait for you to say anything or do,

That’s why I had nothing left but to,

Move on with my life and get over you.

My Dear Grandfather

I still can’t process the fact that you’re gone forever. I still can’t believe that I’ll see you again, never.

I don’t want to surrender to that fact, 

And I hate that the last time I saw you,

was three months ago. 

I never got a chance to say goodbye,

Or to even tell you how much I love you.
You still didn’t see me graduate and become the doctor you’ve always wished to see me be. 

You still didn’t see me get married to someone like you, just like I’ve always dreamt and you know.

You still didn’t carry my children;

love them with all your heart,

Take care of them,

Play with them,

Just like you used to do with me. 

But you will be in my heart in each and every one of those moments,

And with all my heart I hope that you’ll be watching me happily,

Along with all the ones you love,

And the creatures you belong with,

I know there will never be anyone to replace you,

Not in my life,

Not in my heart,

Not in this world. 

May your soul rest in peace,

May in heaven you now be,

But in my heart you always stay.
I once heard that stars are loved ones who left and are now watching over us.

Due to the too much scientific background I have I never bought that. 

Today when I was walking home crying I saw a star, 

Just one single star in the entire night sky,

Watching over me all the way,

And I believed it was you,

And for a moment I smiled. 
I hope I make you happy and proud like I always did. 

I hope I don’t let you down after all the support and encouragement you’ve always given me.

I hope you’re now happily watching me.

I hope to see you again one day,

But this time not as a star,

My dear grandfather. 

They Don’t Know


Artwork by Mario S. Nevado

They don’t know anything about me.

They don’t know anything about my life; my struggles, problems, hopes and dreams.

They don’t know that the smile on my face hides misery.

They don’t know that the tears in my eyes are my way to let some problems out, to leave space in the pile on top of my chest for new ones. 

They don’t know that, that tough face I put on and the “I can handle it all” attitude is nothing but a mask hiding a weak interior which is about to breakdown and fall off. 

They don’t know anything about the world full of hurricanes and thunderstorms in my head, or that other world full of locked up emotions in my heart, and they will never do. 

They don’t know, when for a moment I’m engulfed in those other worlds and they think they’ve almost caught me, that I never tell them the truth, at least not all of it. 

They don’t know that no matter how close they are to me and no matter how much they think they know, they still don’t know. 

They don’t know and they never will, because they don’t know how much effort, courage, and strength it takes to open the doors of the dark dungeons of my heart and brain, and they never will, because it’s easier for them to not know. 

That’s why they don’t know.

A Day Dream 

Artwork by Michael Phipps

In one of the very few moments they got to spend alone, he looked her in the eye and said: “I love you”. He understood all the bewilderment in her eyes and the mixture of emotions showing on her face; from disbelief to shyness to overjoy to all the other feelings her brain can process and her body can occupy.

Still bewildered, she spontaneously said: “Why?”. Out of all replies, this was the one he’d never expected. He knew she was different, she was not like anyone else, and he also knew she was not going to reply with a typical “I love you too”, but this, he didn’t see it coming at all. He told her: “Why not?”. A shy smile was now drawn over her face making him feel victorious having said the perfect words, but then with those puppy eyes of hers that he instantly fell in love with the moment he saw, the ones he could never say no to, she looked at him demanding an answer. 

He took a deep breath, gathered all the guts he’s got and said: “I know you’re wondering why now? Why today of all days? Why after all these years? Well, to be honest You intimidate me, in fact you intimidate all men. Other than the fact that you’re beautiful, smart, kind and a real catch, you’re also strong and independent and that’s what scared me the most. I was afraid to allow myself to fall for you then realize that you’re too good to be true and that I’m not good enough for you. I was afraid to fall for you then realize that I can’t live without you, but to you a heartbreak will be nothing more but fuel to your success and motivate you even more to progress. I was afraid, and that’s no excuse, but that’s what held me back.” She smiled shyly but more confidently now and said: “I love you too, I always have and most probably always will”. 

Then before she could know what happens next, a car honk woke her up from the day dream she was living, she smiled at the thought and said: “Why not? Someday.” She told herself that even if he’s not the one nor has he ever felt anything towards her, she’ll always know her true worth and find someone else who knows that, and even if not, she still has herself, and that’s what matters most.

Screw Those Feelings

Some say that you want to fill the void in your love life and others say there is a woman in your life already. They also say that many girls like you and that you know, but you choose to ignore that and try not to be rude and act the same with all of them. They said all this in front of me and I had to fake a smile here and laugh a little there and ask questions in between. And when I lost control of my emotions and got so intense they questioned my curiousness, so I had to tone it down a bit or two and shut the hell up to not have to embarrass myself more.

But during all this I was burning with fury deep inside. I was wondering, was I one of the silly girls that throw themselves at you? Is this how you see me? I also wondered, is it true that you love this woman and you two are going to get married? My head was churning with thoughts and questions and all my face was showing were fake expressions. Until I was alone and the thoughts overwhelmed my head and the fire deep inside was about to make me explode.

Then for a second I looked back at all that has happened and thought how I, the person who doesn’t think before she speaks or does anything, managed to stay calm and suppress my emotions this much? And how I have been so stupid? So stupid to believe that you out of all people could be the one for me, that you could actually feel the same way like I do, that you were the only person who ever made me feel this way; and I hated myself even more.

You made me become someone I never thought I could ever be. Someone who catches feelings, falls so hard and so deep, so stupidly, and finally someone who hides her feelings so no one will find out how silly and naïve she is. You made me someone else who was never me and never will be and for that I decided to throw away that poison that changes me to be this way. Yes, those feelings I have for you have done me nothing but poison me, have done me nothing but pain, confusion and misery and I’ve just had enough of that.

Screw those feelings that make me cry. Screw those feelings that make me lie. Screw those feelings that make me weak. Screw those feelings that make me not me. 

I know I’m a catch and I’m out of many people’s leagues including you, and today I will sleep to that not caring whether or not what I heard was true, whether or not if you feel the same way like I do. 

You Lied


Artwork by Joerg Warda


There exists only one thing I will never let pass by, one thing I will never have the power to forgive; lying. I will never forgive you if you lie to me, even if unintentionally. They say lie once and all your truths become questionable. Yes, if you can lie once then you can lie a hundred times, and with that goes my trust, and what kind of relationship can work without trust?

You lied. You lied to my face right here in my place. You lied to my face each time you were trying to divert me away from reality. You lied to my face not even for my own good, on the contrary. You lied to my face small little lies that I chose to ignore because of what you meant to me, but this last one made all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and showed your true personality, something I never imagined would be that ugly.

I don’t care about the number of years I’ve known you for, or the friendship that supposedly we had before, because when you lied you blew it all. Unfortunately, I can’t not know you anymore, but to me you’ll be nothing but someone I just know. So don’t be surprised if I treat you like a stranger, don’t be surprised if with you I share nothing no more, don’t be surprised when you’re no longer part of my life. In fact, be grateful that I still know you, because unfortunately unlike you, I’m naïve enough to consider and respect the years of friendship we had to just kick you out of my life like that. Although I don’t deny I wish I could, but I just can’t.

The Small Things And The Bad Things

I always say bad things happen for a good reason, but recently I’ve never believed more in that. I’ve been going through a lot of stresses lately and bad things just kept striking one after the other endlessly that I just wanted to take a break from life for a day, just a day.

Remember when I also always say that it’s the small things that matter most? This is exactly what happened to me; a simple unexpected gesture changed my bad day and made me smile and sleep happily. In fact, it changed my whole perspective of the chaos I’m currently living in. I started to think again of all the mess I’ve been going through for a while and of all the good things that has happened as a result; big or small, to me they’re all one.

Instead of depressing yourself for too long and only seeing the bad side of the story, start looking at the good one immediately. I know it’s hard especially you get hit simultaneously and unexpectedly, but give it a shot because it will be totally worth it. It will give you something to keep you going, something to look forward to. Besides, pulling yourself away and leaving frustration and depression to overtake you won’t help anyway.


Do you know this feeling where you can no longer carry the world on your shoulders and your feet can no more handle your own body weight? That feeling where nothing makes sense anymore, and you don’t know why things happen or what for.

You try at first to hold your tears and put on a tough face, but then you reach that point where you just want to let it all out; and when you give your tear glands the permission to explode, they just refuse to. When you try to do the opposite and cheer up because everyone around you is asking you to do so and because you really want to, so you eat all the chocolate in the world and listen to all your favourite songs; but still NADA, nothing.

You’re not sad, neither are you happy. You feel nothing, you’re completely numb. No, it’s not just a bad day. This bad day was nothing but a small scene in a series that has been going on for a long time, and I have just been piling everything up and playing fine. Until that one “bad day”, in fact that one bad moment where the pile just couldn’t take anymore and all fell apart, and that fine feeling went along with it. Or at least it’s what I believed in until I realised that it was not just the fine feeling that was gone, but it was all the feelings as a matter of fact. Now only four letters are all that I can feel, only four letters can define me: N-U-M-B. Yes, numb is me.

I’m fine. 

Just as I was about to idiotically fall back again, the universe decided to hold me when I was about to drop off the tip of that deadly cliff. I saw you with her in what might seem normal, but that was the last string of hope I had attached in the delirium of your love and it untangled and fell off. Surprisingly I’m not sad. I’m happy or at least I’m smilIng; I’m just fine and fine is good. It is about time I move on and one year seems more than enough to ensures one’s strength and genuineness of feelings, or their existence in the first place to be honest; and I don’t seem to have something solid to hold on to, to make me believe in yours. It’s okay. Maybe this sweet and bitter dream, or delusion, or whatever it is, was meant to happen for a reason; and I’m fine with it. Yes, I’m fine and I deserve the best as well. I’ve never believed in that sentence this much ever; and that too is good.

The Small Things Again

It is the small things I swear. The simple random unplanned outings, with the unexpected fun and overwhelming happiness that follow them, are what can make a huge difference. Sometimes you don’t need a complete day off from life like I used to mistakenly believe. In fact, what you might need is spending time with the people you love, unleashing your real spirit and giving freedom to your captivated soul. To remember how it is to be yourself and return to the person you were before transforming to the stress-controlled life-overwhelmed numb soul you were turning into. It is the small simple things that make a huge difference.

The Pile

I tend to pile things up my chest until they skyrocket. On the contrary I beg people to let things out and when they do, I pile up those too until the sky is not enough limit. I do this because I believe people have enough going on with their lives and they don’t need more problems to carry around. But I love to listen because part of me believes that I have the power to make people happy and my happiness is derived from that of others. Believe me I’m not pretentiously selfless. I do carry around more problems of others than mine and I do wish sometimes if someone could offer to carry mine even if for a while.  

Those Three Words

Saying those three words is no walk in the park. It requires a tremendous amount of strength and courage as a start. Not only that, but also blind trust and total reliance. After an endless cycle of overthinking and rethinking until you’re brain is about to explode, so it decides to calm down a bit right before starting its vigorous battle with the heart on who takes the final decision. All this needs time, a lot of time. Then you reach a peak where you no longer can hold it in your heart for one more moment and have no other choice but to let it out regardless of the consequences, and finally say: “I’m not fine”.

The Real Challenge

I know I’m one great package and any guy would be very lucky to have me. But I don’t want someone to love me for how good I am. In fact, I want the person who sees beyond that and loves me for my flaws before my merits. Not tolerates them; loves them. It’s easy to love someone who has a good personality or looks pretty. But what is actually hard, is to love their imperfections and irrationalities, no matter how big or small they are; and here lies the real challenge. So when I meet the person that manages to see beauty and perfection in the worst aspects of my personality, that person is then worthy of loving and having me.

Persona Magazine

I’ve always dreamt of having my own magazine someday, and here I am a few days away. To me, it’s not just a magazine, it’s my baby. A baby that will only grow by your love and support. This magazine was built and will be going on by this slogan: Think Grey.

We the people who think grey; founders, writers, editors, photographers and marketers, are one big family responsible for the birth of this new baby. We are counting down the time left for our magazine’s launching day. Persona magazine, our new online magazine that will hopefully meet your high expectations and where you’ll find your grey thought written down line by line…

Check our website:

Like and share our Facebook page:

Follow us on Instagram: @persona.magazine

Follow us on Twitter: @personamag2015

Support us as much as you can by liking, following and sharing and let this baby find the love and support it needs to grow into something big, into what I’ve always dreamt of.

Think grey!

No One Understands

In the darkest of my times, I try to enjoy the moment and laugh while I’m being tormented deep inside. I don’t like to open up unless I’m about to crack and I only do so to the very closest people I know, not even all of them. And people ask me “Why? Why don’t you seek comfort and help?”. How can I ask someone to help me when they don’t even understand what I’m going through, and not in a million years will they do so?
They think my life is a piece of cake that I eat off a golden plate, only because I manage to disguise the ugly truth that lies behind this fancy cover I try to maintain. “But why keep maintaining it? Why not just drop the mask off and let them know the truth?”. The process is even more exhausting than dealing with the problem itself and I always like to keep my tough exterior intact because it is all I have.
I’m not sure if this is strength or contrarily my weakness. I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do when you’re hurt to the point that you get used to the pain it makes you become so numb. Yes I’ve become so numb to the point that the highlight of my day, my biggest comfort and major source of happiness, oh yeah happiness (and I’m not even sure if I can call it that), has become sitting on my beanbag at the corner doing nothing; nothing at all. So do you still think I can clarify and explain it all?

The Bashful Craving of Love

So I’ve been told the introduction was pessimistic as hell and that it might lead to either the reader not continuing to read or to feel a bit down. Well, I would never want that. I write because I want you to feel better, give you maybe a piece of advice, make you smile at some point or the noblest of all goals, inspire you. Now this is one cute, very honest and heartfelt introduction. So will you please bear with me till the end and read the whole thing?
You fall in love once, twice and a gazillion times. You say you can’t help it; you can’t help but think this person may be different, that they may be the one you’ve been looking for forever. So you leave yourself to fall all over again and go through the same pain just for the sake of that tiny glimpse of hope of finding love. When in fact, if you ask me, love is a once in a life time feeling. So in my opinion, most probably it was either that one of these times was actually true love or none of them was; and in this case don’t worry because the best is yet to come.
You keep on searching for love in each and every person you’re attracted to or you crush on. You see it as an opportunity to find that feeling forever you’ve been looking for, to satisfy that bashful craving of loving and being loved in return. While in fact, despite how much it might surprise you, these are mostly nothing but a couple of hormonal fluctuations and disruptions that are bound to end one way or another regardless of how much you try to evolve and develop them into genuine and heartfelt feelings. This is why it is possible to get over each and every time because it was never love, and the next person you meet just simply erases whatever there was earlier and the cycle goes on. In the end the noble mystic majestic feeling of love isn’t supposed to come and go like that. Right?
But this person, you’re sure you’ve never felt this way before nor have you had such intense and immense feelings in your life ever towards anyone; this is the one and you can swear to it. Well you know what they say, if it’s meant to be it will be and so in this case just let it go off your head and see because they also say love comes when you’re not looking; so I guess you should turn your back on it and wait for things to happen. If this is the one as you claim, if this is the real deal, then sure it will find its way into your life and back into your heart. Just stop getting into failing relationships one after the other for the false hope and the hopeless delusion of maybe finding love in one of them. I’m sure love isn’t meant to keep hurting you and messing with you like that.
Trust me once you get that whole concept of haunting for love out of your head, you’ll find a lot of more useful things to replace it with. The time wasted on moving on from relationship to another and fixing a so-called heartbreak after the other, will be consumed more productively, and you’ll end up finding yourself filling that emptiness you’ve always tried to fill with love.

The Disease

The clock is ticking, counting down, she is suffocating, lung by lung, one lobe at a time, and a severely torn apart and shattered heart was the main aetiology that started all this pain and misery. And now there she is, her soul leaving her body bit by bit, like a thread being pulled off a woollen sweater that is slowly being deformed and deteriorated, and now is becoming a messy lump that has no beauty, meaning or purpose. 
And when both her lungs were almost emptied, when her soul almost left, when the sweater was about to diminish, she took the deepest breath she ever could, inhaled all the air surrounding her and filled every inch of her almost empty lungs, then held her head up high and stood up, decided to reweave herself into something more better, more beautiful and more stronger.
And so, she gathered all those broken pieces of her heart and stitched them together with barbed wires so it becomes an unbreakable piece, in fact, an unapproachable one. She cured the main aetiology of her suffering and whatever symptoms that followed it, and now she became immune, unsusceptible and resistant to the disease of love. In the end this is how it all begun. 

The Pointless Quest of Finding Love

From the day we understand the word love, not the “I love you mum” version but rather the cheesy romantic soulmate type, we are on an unconscious quest to find it. To find that kind of love we see in movies, hear in songs and read in books. That feeling people claim is the most mysterious inexplicable yet the best. 
We get so overwhelmed in this quest that we overlook the love surrounding us. Love that compensates the one we are looking for and may be even better. We forget our families’ unconditional love and don’t take into consideration the flaw-accepting love of our friends. We ignore the love and respect of the people surrounding us at school or work. 
If you ask me, yes love is in the air, it is everywhere, but unfortunately you’ve set yourself to look for it in one direction, when actually if you decide to turn around and take a look, you’ll realise that you don’t need to make that much effort because you already have so much love. And when you decide to appreciate and cherish each and every moment of it, you will stop your pointless quest because that love around you will be very sufficient. And the cheesy romantic soulmate love? Well, they say it comes while you’re not looking and least expecting it. So I guess all roads lead to stopping your pointless quest for finding love. 

The Source of Happiness

If I were asked to define happiness, I’d say that it’s a mindset not a target. And if I were asked its source to define, well that will be a hard one to determine.

I will not know how to choose between the euphoria chocolate brings upon me or between way books make me feel. I can’t think of which makes me happier, listening to my favourite songs or watching Harry Potter. And I definitely can’t choose which time is better spent, watching a football game with my father, or a mother-daughter conversation. I will not be able to claim that the happiness I get when I’m with my friends means more to me than that when I make my parents proud. I won’t pick between carrying a baby and playing with them, and talking for hours on the phone with my best friend. I’m not sure if inspiring people with something I just wrote makes me happier than when giving advice to my little sister. And if on the future I had to choose between the happiness of publishing my first book or that of graduating and becoming a dentist, I wouldn’t know which one to pick either.

Point is, there’s no definite source of happiness and there is no ultimate major unique source of it. Yes, even chocolates. Happiness can be found in all those small moments and all the big achievements. It can be found in everything, anywhere you want it to be. So don’t condition it to something specific and wait till you achieve it, don’t set criteria and targets, and just cherish every moment, just remember life is too short to waste it being anything other than happy.

Inside Me

Inside me is a heart that chooses to take all my decisions regardless of the circumstances, risking it all just for my happiness and that of others, and may end up broken but heals itself again every time and keeps going on with the same intensity like before.
Inside me is a gut instinct that I always believe in, that has never failed me and is true most of the time, and even if not, I never lose faith in its abilities. 
Inside me is a mind craving to be heard, to be listened to, to have the words in my heart pass by it before they come out, and to prevent my heart from taking random spontaneous irrational decisions blindly, just because it doesn’t want to see it broken again. A mind that ends up gathering the pieces of my broken heart, helping it heal, move on and forget, never giving up on it, always there by its side trying to support and strengthen it. 
Inside me is a soul that knows exactly what it wants and tries hard to reach it regardless of the circumstances. A soul wanting to serve its purpose in life, wanting to live life and enjoy it to the fullest before it leaves, so it would have nothing to regret when it’s gone.
Inside me are all the words left unsaid, the words that couldn’t make it out of my lips without passing through my brain like the rest of everything I say.
Inside me are all those stories of the people I love, all their problems, miseries, hopes and dreams, piling up there on top of my chest where I can feel them with every breath so they never are forgotten and always are taken good care of.
Inside me are my hopes and dreams trying to come true day by day to make me and those who I love happy.
Inside me are stories and memories, good and bad ones. The good I never forget, and the bad after a while I learn from and laugh at.
Inside me there is always happiness, and even if not obvious, even in the darkest of times, tries to resurface and my mood it overwhelms.
I might look very simple and carefree on the outside but inside me is a whole different world continuously going on. 

The World We Live In

We live in a time where 14 year olds who just broke up with their boyfriends cut their wrists and think that “life sucks”. A time where children dress, act and think like adults, carry around iPads instead of toy cars and dolls, and watch twilight instead of cartoons; a time where innocence is nonexistent and childhood is dead.

We live in a time where war has become a daily routine we hear about in the news, and the death numbers, us, no longer amuse. A time where the fine line between what’s wrong and what’s right has disappeared, where morality is stupidity and survival of the fittest is the main philosophy.

We live in a time that I don’t know what to call. I’ve run out of words to describe how cruel, mad, and inexplicable this world has become, it’s like the end of time is near, it’s like everything is becoming its opposite and upside down the world is turning.
War is peace, slavery is freedom, ignorance is knowledge, good is bad and right is wrong; things we’ve only read about in books and watched in movies, laughed at or thought were too extreme to be one day real. And the world we have in our heads, the life we carry in our hearts, is nothing but a delusion we choose to live in to hide from the ugly truth and the harsh reality that is everywhere around us, that one way or another we are bound to accept and face.