So I’ve been told the introduction was pessimistic as hell and that it might lead to either the reader not continuing to read or to feel a bit down. Well, I would never want that. I write because I want you to feel better, give you maybe a piece of advice, make you smile at some point or the noblest of all goals, inspire you. Now this is one cute, very honest and heartfelt introduction. So will you please bear with me till the end and read the whole thing?
You fall in love once, twice and a gazillion times. You say you can’t help it; you can’t help but think this person may be different, that they may be the one you’ve been looking for forever. So you leave yourself to fall all over again and go through the same pain just for the sake of that tiny glimpse of hope of finding love. When in fact, if you ask me, love is a once in a life time feeling. So in my opinion, most probably it was either that one of these times was actually true love or none of them was; and in this case don’t worry because the best is yet to come.
You keep on searching for love in each and every person you’re attracted to or you crush on. You see it as an opportunity to find that feeling forever you’ve been looking for, to satisfy that bashful craving of loving and being loved in return. While in fact, despite how much it might surprise you, these are mostly nothing but a couple of hormonal fluctuations and disruptions that are bound to end one way or another regardless of how much you try to evolve and develop them into genuine and heartfelt feelings. This is why it is possible to get over each and every time because it was never love, and the next person you meet just simply erases whatever there was earlier and the cycle goes on. In the end the noble mystic majestic feeling of love isn’t supposed to come and go like that. Right?
But this person, you’re sure you’ve never felt this way before nor have you had such intense and immense feelings in your life ever towards anyone; this is the one and you can swear to it. Well you know what they say, if it’s meant to be it will be and so in this case just let it go off your head and see because they also say love comes when you’re not looking; so I guess you should turn your back on it and wait for things to happen. If this is the one as you claim, if this is the real deal, then sure it will find its way into your life and back into your heart. Just stop getting into failing relationships one after the other for the false hope and the hopeless delusion of maybe finding love in one of them. I’m sure love isn’t meant to keep hurting you and messing with you like that.
Trust me once you get that whole concept of haunting for love out of your head, you’ll find a lot of more useful things to replace it with. The time wasted on moving on from relationship to another and fixing a so-called heartbreak after the other, will be consumed more productively, and you’ll end up finding yourself filling that emptiness you’ve always tried to fill with love.
The clock is ticking, counting down, she is suffocating, lung by lung, one lobe at a time, and a severely torn apart and shattered heart was the main aetiology that started all this pain and misery. And now there she is, her soul leaving her body bit by bit, like a thread being pulled off a woollen sweater that is slowly being deformed and deteriorated, and now is becoming a messy lump that has no beauty, meaning or purpose.
And when both her lungs were almost emptied, when her soul almost left, when the sweater was about to diminish, she took the deepest breath she ever could, inhaled all the air surrounding her and filled every inch of her almost empty lungs, then held her head up high and stood up, decided to reweave herself into something more better, more beautiful and more stronger.
And so, she gathered all those broken pieces of her heart and stitched them together with barbed wires so it becomes an unbreakable piece, in fact, an unapproachable one. She cured the main aetiology of her suffering and whatever symptoms that followed it, and now she became immune, unsusceptible and resistant to the disease of love. In the end this is how it all begun.
From the day we understand the word love, not the “I love you mum” version but rather the cheesy romantic soulmate type, we are on an unconscious quest to find it. To find that kind of love we see in movies, hear in songs and read in books. That feeling people claim is the most mysterious inexplicable yet the best.
We get so overwhelmed in this quest that we overlook the love surrounding us. Love that compensates the one we are looking for and may be even better. We forget our families’ unconditional love and don’t take into consideration the flaw-accepting love of our friends. We ignore the love and respect of the people surrounding us at school or work.
If you ask me, yes love is in the air, it is everywhere, but unfortunately you’ve set yourself to look for it in one direction, when actually if you decide to turn around and take a look, you’ll realise that you don’t need to make that much effort because you already have so much love. And when you decide to appreciate and cherish each and every moment of it, you will stop your pointless quest because that love around you will be very sufficient. And the cheesy romantic soulmate love? Well, they say it comes while you’re not looking and least expecting it. So I guess all roads lead to stopping your pointless quest for finding love.
If I were asked to define happiness, I’d say that it’s a mindset not a target. And if I were asked its source to define, well that will be a hard one to determine.
I will not know how to choose between the euphoria chocolate brings upon me or between way books make me feel. I can’t think of which makes me happier, listening to my favourite songs or watching Harry Potter. And I definitely can’t choose which time is better spent, watching a football game with my father, or a mother-daughter conversation. I will not be able to claim that the happiness I get when I’m with my friends means more to me than that when I make my parents proud. I won’t pick between carrying a baby and playing with them, and talking for hours on the phone with my best friend. I’m not sure if inspiring people with something I just wrote makes me happier than when giving advice to my little sister. And if on the future I had to choose between the happiness of publishing my first book or that of graduating and becoming a dentist, I wouldn’t know which one to pick either.
Point is, there’s no definite source of happiness and there is no ultimate major unique source of it. Yes, even chocolates. Happiness can be found in all those small moments and all the big achievements. It can be found in everything, anywhere you want it to be. So don’t condition it to something specific and wait till you achieve it, don’t set criteria and targets, and just cherish every moment, just remember life is too short to waste it being anything other than happy.
Inside me is a heart that chooses to take all my decisions regardless of the circumstances, risking it all just for my happiness and that of others, and may end up broken but heals itself again every time and keeps going on with the same intensity like before.
Inside me is a gut instinct that I always believe in, that has never failed me and is true most of the time, and even if not, I never lose faith in its abilities.
Inside me is a mind craving to be heard, to be listened to, to have the words in my heart pass by it before they come out, and to prevent my heart from taking random spontaneous irrational decisions blindly, just because it doesn’t want to see it broken again. A mind that ends up gathering the pieces of my broken heart, helping it heal, move on and forget, never giving up on it, always there by its side trying to support and strengthen it.
Inside me is a soul that knows exactly what it wants and tries hard to reach it regardless of the circumstances. A soul wanting to serve its purpose in life, wanting to live life and enjoy it to the fullest before it leaves, so it would have nothing to regret when it’s gone.
Inside me are all the words left unsaid, the words that couldn’t make it out of my lips without passing through my brain like the rest of everything I say.
Inside me are all those stories of the people I love, all their problems, miseries, hopes and dreams, piling up there on top of my chest where I can feel them with every breath so they never are forgotten and always are taken good care of.
Inside me are my hopes and dreams trying to come true day by day to make me and those who I love happy.
Inside me are stories and memories, good and bad ones. The good I never forget, and the bad after a while I learn from and laugh at.
Inside me there is always happiness, and even if not obvious, even in the darkest of times, tries to resurface and my mood it overwhelms.
I might look very simple and carefree on the outside but inside me is a whole different world continuously going on.
We live in a time where 14 year olds who just broke up with their boyfriends cut their wrists and think that “life sucks”. A time where children dress, act and think like adults, carry around iPads instead of toy cars and dolls, and watch twilight instead of cartoons; a time where innocence is nonexistent and childhood is dead.
We live in a time where war has become a daily routine we hear about in the news, and the death numbers, us, no longer amuse. A time where the fine line between what’s wrong and what’s right has disappeared, where morality is stupidity and survival of the fittest is the main philosophy.
We live in a time that I don’t know what to call. I’ve run out of words to describe how cruel, mad, and inexplicable this world has become, it’s like the end of time is near, it’s like everything is becoming its opposite and upside down the world is turning.
War is peace, slavery is freedom, ignorance is knowledge, good is bad and right is wrong; things we’ve only read about in books and watched in movies, laughed at or thought were too extreme to be one day real. And the world we have in our heads, the life we carry in our hearts, is nothing but a delusion we choose to live in to hide from the ugly truth and the harsh reality that is everywhere around us, that one way or another we are bound to accept and face.
From my mistakes I never learn. To be honest not all. Only those regarding my personality. Like trusting people easily and being too friendly. Like giving people not just second chances, but a million ones. Like not thinking before speaking or doing anything. Like being an open book with nothing to hide. Like having high hopes that let me down each time. Like falling too hard and blindly following my heart. Oh my heart, constantly dominating my actions and thoughts, and when my mind decides to intervene to help me from the upcoming chaos I’m about to bring upon myself, my heart goes on and never listens. And when it ends up broken and shattered, it comes back to my mind seeking for help. And only at the peak of its weakness and fury does my heart to my mind listen. But when it gathers itself and pulls itself back together, again it ignores my mind and does what it does. But I decided to put this to an end. I know it’s too late to stop following my heart, but I will allow my mind to interfere and control my thoughts. I will not block my heart completely but my mind I will allow to help me. I will announce a peace treaty, instead of the continuous ongoing war between them that my heart constantly wins. I will still be the person who follows her heart and instincts in almost everything but with her mind along her side as well.
Another writing material. That is the answer to a question I asked myself almost a year ago when I first saw you and caught feelings for you; is it finally true love, or is it just another writing material? And now we know the answer.
The irony is that for the first time not just did I have feelings for someone but actually believed he might be the so called “the one”. Remembering this, how I used to think and feel, makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh at how stupid I was, and cry for the same exact reason. How naive and blinded by our feelings can we become? How can our emotions control our actions and our brains become so dumb? And when we wake up and realise the ugly truth, the flooding river of emotions dries out and all the feelings we once had flowing in our blood are gone. And we turn from life-loving excessively emotional creatures to broken numb feelingless pieces.
Why go through this path of hell when we know it never ends up well? Scream all you wish that love exists and someday someone will walk into your life and all that cute little shit, but don’t tell me it’s worth taking the risk of breaking your heart once and twice and a gazillion times. Don’t tell me it’s worth the sleepless nights and the head and heart ache that leaves you more lifeless each and every time.
If there’s true love, then good for those who have it and if I were meant to have it someday, then I’m sure it won’t break me, I’m sure this is not what love was designed for. Other than that, whoever walks into my life I will try my best to shut off my heart and protect it with high fences and barbed wires if I could, and whoever regardless of all this succeeds to cross, breaks my heart and makes me go through that deadly circle of feelings, emotions and love, will still be nothing but another writing material. This is how I chose to gather the broken pieces of my heart; learning a lesson, becoming stronger and more mature, and turning it into good writing material. Unless someone decides to prove the opposite.
Just when I thought that I have become lucky, and I started to feel happy, reality struck me. The only constant thing in life is change, and nothing lasts forever. And that my friends, is life’s only lesson. So just learn to embrace the moment and enjoy it while it lasts, never hold on to something with all your heart, and appreciate what you have before it’s gone; so you regret nothing when life takes its natural course. And when it does, just accept it the way it is, because if happiness doesn’t last, so does misery, it also is going to end someday.
They say when you smile the world smiles with you, so just smile even if you don’t want to. Have you ever seen someone smiling at you and never smiled back? Not even deep down in your heart? Not even a fake smile? It’s contagious! Smile and everything around you will start smiling, and without further cliché lines and accusations from you that I don’t get it, smile now to the person next to you and if you’re alone smile to yourself at the mirror. I’m serious do it now. And if you don’t feel any tiniest bit of difference then you can come and talk to me.
10:30 pm on the 31st of August 1994, I was born. Sometimes I wonder why and what for? Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t happen, would it matter? But then I remember being the source of happiness for two families the day I was born, being the first grandchild, and then I remember my father always telling me that since the day I was born I brought with me good luck to our back then small family. And I remember my friends who come to me at their darkest of times seeking comfort and advice. And I remember all those people who tell me “You made my day”.
It seems like to some people the day I was born matters, that without me their lives would’ve been slightly different. And now after the writing and the public posting, when people like what I write and say it inspired them or touched them somehow or even give me their opinion about it, it’s not the number that matters to me, it’s the idea that I have somehow came across a random person’s life and done something, even if temporary. Someday I wish I could affect and change lives as much as possible, make lives better and make more people’s days, on a very much broader spectrum.
The day I was born was no coincidence. I am here and I have a purpose to serve. I may have done part of it but I know there is more to come yet. And by the way, so do you. No one is a waste of space or air, we are all here for some reason and our existence matters at least for one person or even an animal. So if you’re still questioning the purpose of your existence, look around you and you will find it’s much more closer to you thank you think.
I’ve never been kissed. Never been in a relationship. Never been told I love you. Never been told I like you. Never been on a date. Never been asked out. But I believe if I’m ever going to have a kiss, my first kiss, it’s going to be by the one and only person who will ever kiss me. The one and only person who with I will ever be. I imagine him to kiss me unexpectedly and publicly declare his love to me. I imagine him kissing me at the peak of my fury and when I’m happy. I imagine him kissing me with not only his lips, but his heart as well, with love and passion. Probably this is why I’m still single. I was meant to be kissed by only one person, loved by only person, and be with just one person, who will make me feel and do all that I’ve never done and felt before.
P.S. I was tagged for a #kissathon on my Instagram page by a couple of writers and poets and I couldn’t do it because obviously I’ve never been kissed but I thought that shouldn’t stop me from doing it. Anyway I just wanted to clarify things and to tell you that this is not me whining and complaining because I know you’ve suffered a lot from my current frequents emotional swings and I’m sorry for that 🙈 but you must know that I’m grateful for all of you and I love you all ❤️
One of the biggest mistakes we ever make is conditioning our happiness and having definite sources of it. When a source is gone, so does your happiness, or at least part of it. When in fact if you think of it, you can find happiness in the simplest of things. If you leave your happiness unconditional and look around you, you will start finding it in places unexpected. And those sources when gone, many others will compensate it.
Think of it. There are at least 100 reasons for you to be happy. From the fact that you’re alive and breathing to the fact that you have a roof to live under and a phone or a laptop to hold and read this post from now. No matter what you go through, no matter how tough life gets on you, how big your problems may seem and how broken your heart may be, remember there are people out there who would be happy if they just had what you have. I know we all have those moments when life is no longer bearable and we have too many problems all at once, and you have all the right to get upset and depressed; it’s important to let it all out. But in the middle of all this start counting your blessings and the 100 reasons you have to be happy and whatever it is that you’re going through, it will not seem so bad after all.
And as I always say, happiness is nothing but a mindset.
I write because it helps me let out all my feelings and emotions, my beliefs and thoughts, my hopes and dreams; and put them together into organized meaningful words.
I write because I hope what I write touches someone somehow, makes them relate to it, maybe feel better, or draw a temporary smile on their face, and maybe someday inspire them. And when this happens, I feel like I have achieved my goal and an inexplicable feeling of euphoria overwhelms me.
I write because one day I hope what I write changes lives and makes them better. And if this happens, then I have served my purpose well. So do you think I can?
Drawing by the talented Rawan Alaa
I am a woman. I am stronger and tougher more than anyone can imagine. Sometimes I wonder why do they say “man up” when they urge someone to step up or to fight harder when in my opinion “woman up” is the right word.
I am a woman. I endure and tolerate physical and psychological pain beyond belief. Internal and external, body and soul, heart and mind; everything within me suffers and bleeds and yet I still manage to pull myself together, stand up, hold my head up high and move on.
I am a woman. I live in oppression and discrimination. I don’t get the least of my rights. Yet I manage to survive. I fight and never cease to settle and surrender. I can do everything, anything, once I set my mind to it, and no one and nothing can stop me.
I am a woman. I’m the source of life on this planet. Without me humanity would vanish. If all men became extinct, a sperm bank would help the continuity of humanity, but if all women were gone, humanity is done.
I am a woman. I don’t underestimate men. I don’t think men are the enemy. How can I when I love the enemy? I respect the enemy. I get hurt and all my miseries are brought upon me by the enemy. Even though I know I don’t need him. Yet I still want him, forgive him, give him tons of chances, love him with all my heart until it tears apart, handle him at his best and worst and lie to myself claiming I can never live without him just to give myself more reasons to keep loving him and making sure he’s happy and doesn’t need anything.
I am a woman. I am what gives this life meaning and purpose. I am it’s reason and source. I am what matters most. And I am proud to be all those, a woman.
I’d be lying if I said I know what a soulmate is. But I imagine it to be, or at least I want it to be, as a start, someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who understands me easily. Someone who accepts my flaws merrily, and sees in me perfection and beauty. Someone who will see what everyone failed to see in me finally. Someone who will spend the rest of his life with me, living forever happily, and if he has too, will die for me willingly. Someone who will make all the movie stories seem silly. Someone who if I ever find, I will do the same to and more. Someone who will finally make me know what a soulmate is and what power as soulmates do we together own. That life with all its mighty hardships will stand no chance against us, because as long as we have each other, nothing else matters.
There was a time when I was the definition of desperation, where I used to crave misery and hold on to every glimpse of hope, true or false, and the worst thing about it, is that I never knew I was desperate. I never believed anyone who told me I was. I believed that I was doing what I had to do, and I kept following my heart until it broke and tore apart. It took me a long time to gather the shattered pieces together and reassemble them into something stronger. I did not give up nor did I surrender to my desperation; and I have to admit that without it I also wouldn’t have been stronger. It seems it’s true what they say, that it’s our own choices that make us shape our own destiny.
All our lives we’ve been set to believe that beauty is the one we see in models and superstars, that it has certain standards and criteria, which is completely false, but unfortunately we live our lives looking for and trying to chase an illusion. In my opinion, the inner beauty defines the outer one. As cliché as it may sound, but I actually find a person with a beautiful soul inexplicably more attractive, and no matter how good looking a bad person may seem, something about them still turns me off. The soul deep within, the inner beauty, inflicts upon the external appearance. External beauty is mortal, but the internal one lasts forever; it is the one that really matters.
I can’t believe I’m writing this now. A small conversation that only lasted a couple of minutes made me realize that it is going to take so much power and strength to finally declare I’m over him. I kept telling everyone that it’s fine, it’s just a small casual conversation, what harm could it do? I kept convincing myself that I have to get used to the fact that I will deal with him anyway whether I like it or not, so why not get used to it now. But then a few seconds later, it’s invading and overtaking my thoughts and it’s all I can think of.
What the hell is wrong with me? It’s like I crave misery. I want to feel desperate and depressed, weak and vulnerable, and be a total mess. Why can’t I just let go and accept the fact that HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME! Where the hell is my dignity? Until when am I going to be living in this emotional hell?
Lord give me strength to get him off my head. Lord please keep him away from me until I pull myself together and become able to deal with him like a normal person. And let’s pray it is the last time I write anything about this because honestly I’m starting to hate myself for doing it.
We all look for love, wait for it and some of us even have it. But let me talk to those who think they don’t. All our lives we’ve been set to believe that love is that stuff that you see in movies and hear in songs and read about in books. That it’s the only thing that matters, that it completes you as a person, and gives your life meaning and purpose. Well, good news, this is utter and complete bullshit.
Your life does not revolve around finding your significant other and living happily ever after. This is to girls especially, your dreams should not revolve around finding love, getting married and have that big fancy wedding and wearing that beautiful white dress. There is so much more to life than that. And even love is not what you think it is. You want real love? Love yourself. It’s you who you need to love before all, you who you need to love most. Because once you start falling in love with yourself you will do whatever that makes you happy and voila! You’ve achieved happiness. Yes, life is too short to waste it waiting for love, waiting for someone to bring you happiness. I’m not saying give up on the other type of love, I’m just saying think of it as an accessory or a bonus. It’s not the main type of love you need. If it comes then good, you’ve got the whole package. If it doesn’t, so what? Your package is good enough.
The moment you start having this mindset, following your dreams and living your life to the fullest, you will realise you don’t need that cheesy romantic love after all. And if you’re craving it this much, then maybe one day when you’re not looking it will come along. Just forget about it, throw it at the back of your head, maybe out of it, and stop watching all those brainwashing movies, listening to those ear-poisoning songs and reading those mind-fucking books, because this is what will always depress you or give you false hope and then let you down. Just fall in love with the right person, you, and watch the miracles it can do.
I have been writing about my feelings, my confusion, my emotional swings and heart break since forever. But today I decided to force myself to stop it. This is not all I can write about and I’m sure there’s more to life than a love lost and a broken heart. My heart is screaming: “What the hell are you doing? You can’t just forget it”. But my mind calmly replies: “Shut up, we have had enough”.
I am about to start an online magazine with my friends, and as soon as we launch it, I will let you know. I don’t want my feelings and emotions to be the only thing I write about there too. And this is why I’m controlling myself starting now. No matter how inspired I get or how the thoughts overwhelm me, begging to be written, I’m done writing about this once and for all. Unless miraculously he comes and talks to me and something happens, which I doubt, but then we will see.
I want to write about everything, anything, just name it. Tell me what do you want my next posts to be about, and I’ll write them all no matter what. Just help me break the curse and move on, because I’m sure you and I have had enough.
Everyday I say that I will let go and move on, but it’s way more easier said than done. And this very tiny hidden hope lying deep within my heart fights hard. Making me think; maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t know what to say, maybe he’s patient, maybe he’s wise, maybe he doesn’t like to rush into things, maybe he’s waiting to surprise you on your birthday and know it without you telling him like you did with his. Or maybe he just doesn’t care!
What on Earth am I holding on to? Why the hell do I still have hope? Maybe it’s love? But love is a huge word, besides it’s a two-sided feeling and I can not sense it from anyone but me. Then what is it? Maybe it’s my ego not being able to handle the humiliation of rejection, or maybe it’s the persistence of my competitive nature, maybe it’s my instinct to never give up, or maybe it’s my mind not wanting to believe that the closest thing I’ve ever had to love, the only person I believed was the one, the first time I’ve ever had feelings, the first time I actually decided that it’s worth it and I should take the risk, was actually nothing; maybe it’s the fear of losing all this and with it losing the belief that love exists.
Yes I have given up on love, not even the fact that there is someone better that will make me realise why it never worked. No. I decided to not let feelings weaken me anymore nor my heart to control me and my instincts to drive me. I know many people have had harder heart breaks and have gone through worse, but I was not meant for this. I made a mistake once and I learned from it. I never opened my heart before and this is how it is always going to be because now all I see is the closest attempt to falling in love, gone.
I beg you to listen to me just once. Not necessarily completely take my advice, but at least consider it. Make me help you take your decisions, not even control them. Just include me, just consider me, just make me help you because each time I see you get hurt I can’t help but hate myself for not being strong enough to stop you. Who am I? What am I? I’m your mind. The only one capable of saving you and your heart from getting broken, just like you are now.
It is not only matters of love that I want you to consult me at, but also all aspects of your life. Let your words pass through me before you speak them out. Let me think a while before you do your actions. I know you follow your heart and instincts all the way, but just let me assist them, in what you do, let me have a say. I’m your mind, and I will help you do things right. I’m your mind and I hope you learned your lesson well and decided to use me more often.
They keep telling me that someday, someone will wake into your life and make you realize why there never was anyone else. They will give your life purpose and meaning and let you truly feel happiness finally. And I used to believe that naively.
The truth is, there’s no someday and there’s no someone and it’s just you on your own. I don’t want to sound pessimistic or bitter or whatsoever, but if you keep waiting for someone to make you happy and give your life meaning and purpose, then you will not just end up alone, but you might as well become miserable with an empty life.
So just live your life like it’s just going to be always you on your own and if this someone decides to come someday, then good for them, if not, then whatever, you were happy anyway.
I didn’t want to write for a while. In fact I even deleted whatever I wrote and blocked whatever thoughts that have flown in my mind. I knew whatever I was going to say was going to be weak, vulnerable and broken. Yes I was broken, maybe still am a little. Not just my heart, but my soul, my mind, everything within me was just broken. I got depressed, I, the most cheerful and optimistic person you could ever meet got depressed. I wanted to do nothing with my life I didn’t have the power mentally, emotionally or even physically to do anything, and it all started with a broken heart. I’m not saying it did all this to me, but as we say we med students, it was the main aetiology (sorry I’m still overwhelmed with exams). One thing led to another and I started looking at all the negative aspects of my life and as I said, I ended up broken.
What healed me? Or even got me started with the healing process? It was anger. I got angry and decided that I will not let feelings tear me down. Yes it all started with feelings and I don’t even want to get started with how weak, vulnerable and stupid they make you. It was my first and is going to be my last time to have them, because I don’t repeat the same mistake twice. What happened? It’s more about what did not happen actually. It’s surprising actually how silence can break your heart. How things that don’t happen are what tear you apart. I did everything I could possibly do, I followed my heart (which by the way I’m not following again, at least not without my mind along with it) and all I got was Nada (nothing in Spanish and my name by the way). Nothing, silence, no reaction, was all I got. And this is what broke my heart.
I am better now, or at least I’d like to think so. I will survive I know. And to look at the bright side, it was better to get closure and start learning to move on rather than continuing to believe in false hopes and wait for things that will never happen. It broke me but at least I can now sleep peacefully knowing that I’ve done my best and it was just not meant to be. It broke me but I will gather my scattered dignity, pull myself together and move on. Maybe it was a way to help me grow up and learn to not just be driven by my instincts and blindly follow my heart, maybe it was meant to teach me a lesson, maybe it was supposed to change me to a new better person. I don’t know. Whatever it is that was the purpose of all this, I will be fine, because I believe bad things always happen for a good reason.
If each one of us keeps waiting for the other to take a step or make a move or even talk first, then no one will ever do it and we will be both left wondering. So I decided to take all the risks I could, do whatever it takes and leave nothing to the what could have beens, what ifs and the regrets of what I haven’t done. And if it doesn’t work out? If it fails? If it doesn’t end up so well? At least I will live in peace with the fact that I’ve done all I could, I’ve tried my best and it was just not meant to be. And you? You should try doing so too because life is too short to waste it over-thinking and waiting.
So the only link between me and you is over now. Why did it have to end so soon? And now I’m having a post depression thinking of how will I get to see you and talk to you again. Regardless of how dreadful that link was, I’ve always loved it. I loved it for bringing you to me, for helping me find excuses to see you, talk to you and spend time with you, I just could never hate it no matter what it did to me, in fact I’m even so upset it had to end. I knew it was going to one day, but I just couldn’t see it until today, when I realized it might be the last time I talk to you, at least for now.
My friends tell me it won’t be hard for me to figure a way but I want you to figure one too and prove that the link was not what we had, it was just a way to something bigger than that.
Every now and then I vow and swear that I’ll never talk to you again, that I’ll never take any other step or make any move before you do, that I’m done with you and that I’ll try to move on and find someone who will not let me make things I’ve never done before, who will let me know that he loves me and so much more, who I will not make all actions towards and hope for a positive response; and you, I will just get off my head, let go of and forget.
As long as I don’t see you it seems to be going well, except that I think about you most of the time and write about you and talk about you, but I claim I’m fine. Give me a couple of days or a couple of weeks maximum or just let me see your face, and Oh My God if I talked to you, that’s it! I forget whatever I said and decided to do, i realise how much I miss you, I get back to falling in love with you, can’t wait to see you again and again, and write about you even more.
If only you could read between the lines and see the hidden messages that tell you all that you need to know. If there was just a way to let you understand how much you mess with my feelings and emotions like no one has before. How actually I developed feelings for no one else but you, and how hard this is for me that sometimes I wish I could get back in time and stay single and emotionless for life. But there is also this part in me that enjoys and loves every good moment of it and hopes that you do have the same feelings and that one day we will both talk about how hard it was for us and wonder how none of us got what the other was trying to show.
Until this day ever comes I will keep trying as long as there is hope, as long as you keep giving me those small signs that I believe do mean something, and I will wait for the large ones with all my might; and bare in mind that I’m a very impatient person, so what I’m doing now, waiting and trying, is harder for me than you can imagine. But if you take that hope away from me, if you mistreat me or make me feel humiliated and that all my effort has gone in vain, then my dignity will rise and take control, beat my heart out, regardless of all the pain, until it stops loving you and regrets ever loving at all.
And now I know how it feels when my heart skips a beat, when I smile involuntarily and constantly, to be silly but happy and to not be able to exactly define how I feel. I understand jealousy and know how it is to be overwhelmed and obsessively think about someone. But all this feels good, it feels great, and at least I’m happy I know that.
The past 20 years of my life I never knew, I never understood and all I was good at was making fun of what I believed was over exaggerating and total nonsense. The myths of breathlessness and the heart skipping a beat, the idea of being whipped and overwhelmed, or the fact that your mood is controlled by another person’s actions or the illusion that seeing them or talking to them instantly makes you happier, and the excuse that your IQ drops and you get mentally retarded and speech impaired with them, oh and the concept of jealousy; to me all this was just unbelievable inexplicable total nonsense and the farthest thing from being logical.
Everyone would tell me you’ll never know unless you try, and I believed that it will never happen or when it does I will still not behave in such nonsense. And now nonsense is all I do. I believe now that with seeing me behave this way, everyone has got their revenge, and all their humiliated dignities and underestimated feelings have been avenged, yet I couldn’t care less. I know I have nothing solid to hold on to but I’m willing to take the risk and handle all the consequences because for the first time it feels like it’s totally worth it.
It’s not something I can control but I try my best I swear. It’s not like I have an on and off button for my brain. And even when I try to stop thinking about it for a while and convince myself that I’m done, part of me deep inside still wants to go on. That deep part keeps fighting until it resurfaces and takes over my thoughts again and I weaken up and decide to give it another shot.
Although most of the advice I get is to back off, and it seems reasonable and convincing enough, this part within me believes in something else. It tells me that they don’t know, they’re not the ones who directly deal with him, they’re not the ones who feel that vibe and get that strange beautiful inexplicable feeling. Maybe the statistics are against it but you have to follow your instincts. And I give up and listen to that small part within, rush into a thoughtless decision and pray to God it ends up well, and it does. That’s when I have all my faith restored and all my high hopes back and happiness overwhelms my heart, until my mind decides again to take charge and remind of the practical facts. And in this endless dilemma I live, not knowing who to follow, who to believe; my mind or the small part deep inside?
Everyone I know keeps telling me that you will come and bring me someone that will make me realise why there never was anyone else. He will be the perfect person for me, the love of my life, my soulmate, the one for me.
And I keep wondering, is someone a person I haven’t met, or a person I know but is afraid to admit, or a person I want but is still not sure about me yet.
So dear someday, whoever that someone is, just hurry up and bring him because the longer you’re taking, I start to question you ever coming and doubt the existence of this someone, and I’m afraid to lose hope and give up to the point where I stop believing in you that even when you show up, I wouldn’t even know.
I miss the past 20 years of my life when my feelings were dormant and I used to believe that jealousy was irrational; when I was single and happy and couldn’t care less. Yes I’m still single, probably forever alone too, but I have feelings, and that’s the worst place anyone could be at you know. I am not single careless and free nor am I in a relationship cute and happy. I’m in this place where I have feelings and I don’t know how the other person feels and it’s driving me crazy. The overthinking, the sleepless nights, the depression attacks and the the overconsumption of chocolate to try to ease all that; a place no one would want to be at. Why has this happened to me? I have no idea. But probably to be thankful for being single and regret ever having feelings for anyone. Oh how I miss those good old days.
If you still didn’t get the fact that my writing is about you, then I will start to question your IQ, because the only thing left unsaid is your name and that’s it. And if you know that it is and you choose to leave me like this, then this is even worse. If you feel the same way like I do but choose to not show, then there must be a reason that I need to know. If you don’t have feelings for me, then just make it clear instead of driving me crazy. Whatever it is how you feel towards me, just let me know and end my misery.
I’ve reached the point where I’m done of having to always take the first step and make the first move. I am done of having to wait for a positive reaction from you to every action I do. I would like to see you try hard and make an effort to get me, to show me that you too have feelings for me. I have done more than enough, I did all that I could do and tried my best to not hurt my ego. So I think it is now your turn to try, to over-think, have some sleepless nights and maybe get depressed at some point, in an attempt to prove that what I’ve done for you was worth it and that you are making an effort too, to show me that you feel the same way like I do. Do something, I’m giving up on you. Prove me wrong, please I want you to.
With all my heart I wish, and in my head I imagine, the day you come tell me that the same way I do you feel.
I imagine you telling me that you’ve had something towards me ever since you saw me, that I overwhelmed your thoughts, and that I made you nervous. And I imagine myself telling you that you’re the first person I’ve ever developed feelings towards and that you made me do things to never do I swore. And that’s when you’ll tell me that you always longed for the few minutes you see me and loved the couple of hours you spent with me even if we were working, and that day we spent just talking was one of your favourites. I’ll tell you that you have no idea how these days were the ones I was the happiest and that they always inspired me to write something; that you have become my source of inspiration when it comes to writing, my obsession when it comes to thinking and my favourite topic when it comes to talking. You’ll let me know that you were always afraid I don’t have feelings for you because with friendliness I treat everyone I know and you just thought that it might not mean something what I do, and that is why you tried your best to keep your feelings at guard and not show anything until you had a sign to make you feel secure. And this is when I laugh and say that a sign from you is what I always longed for, is what days and nights I kept praying for and its absence is what at times made me lose hope and almost give up on you; but the moment I see your face, all these thoughts behind I throw and I just get so overwhelmed in you. You’ll surprisingly tell me that you never thought I had such strong feelings for you, you believed I had something but just not that intense and I’ll laugh again and tell you that I thought of exactly the same thing. I’ll tell you how I never had feelings before and how I used to laugh at and make fun of couples and hate romantic movies and songs and how you just made everyone I know get their revenge from all the times I made fun of them and underestimated their feelings. I’ll tell you about the day I first saw you and we will get flashbacks and remember all the things we used to do and talk about how each one of us felt at that time and what we thought about and we’ll just keep talking forever and open up to each other; and to me this will be the best conversation ever.
This is something honestly I imagine a lot and wish could happen with all my heart to the extent that the thought that it might not happen, scares me a lot and I immediately push it out of my head. Of course the conversation doesn’t have to go exactly this way; but the declaration of feelings, the flashbacks and explanation of actions, is what I’m longing for and the day it happens I’m sure is going to be on of my happiest if not the most of all, because this is going to be the best conversation I’ve had so far.
If only you knew how I feel about you. If only you knew how I become in front of you. How mentally retarded and speech impaired I become, and the shyness and nervousness that overwhelm me. Things nonexistent in my true personality. If only you knew how the simplest action you do makes me feel. How happy you make me when I see you and how on top of the world I am when I talk to you.
I wish we could throw all the formalities behind us and break all the borders. I wish we could get to know each other more. If only you knew how a casual unprofessional conversation with you makes me feel.
I know I keep telling myself to not have high hopes. I know I keep trying to be a realist. But the moment I see your face all theses thoughts vanish. If only there was a way to tell you how I feel about you, without affecting my ego. If only there was a way to know if you felt the same way like I do. If only…
It is the small details that matter most. Like when you know the things I love or wait for me when I come across. Like when you notice the books I read or remember something I told you about before. Like when you try to extend a conversation a few more seconds or postpone a goodbye and say one last thing before I leave. To me, this is what matters most. This is what you unconsciously do and reflects how you really feel. This is better than some big action you think a lot before you do. That’s why to me, the small things are what makes my day.
The day I see you I write. It’s like you have become my only source of inspiration. My conversations revolve around you. It’s like you have become my obsession. My thoughts are mostly about you. It’s like I have nothing else to think of. And it scares me, because if you don’t feel the same way, then I’m in deep shit.
I can not deny that the happiness you bring upon me, the day I see you and the few minutes I talk to you or the hours working I spend with you, is enough to keep me going on, is enough to make me feel that it’s worth the effort. Although it is proof enough that I’m whipped and totally overwhelmed, it is not something that I am ashamed of. The only thing that’s keeping me from telling everyone I know that I love you, from telling you yourself that I do, is my ego. My dignity and ego. I can’t survive them being hurt.
Say something, do something, or even give me a sign, something to keep me going on, something to give me strength, something to give me patience.
He had me at hello, yes he did. The moment I saw him something within me ticked. And this is when it all started. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s something before I’ve never felt.
-And then what?
I became whipped, totally overwhelmed.
-And what did you do about it?
I did everything I could do, and I’m still doing so; every possible action that might not affect my ego.
-And how did it go?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
-Then why didn’t you just let go?
I also don’t know and I wish if there was something solid I could hold on to.
-And if there’s not?
I can’t even handle the thought.
For how long have I known you to feel this way about you? Do I even really know you? Yes we’ve known each other for months but all we had were a bunch of frequent general conversations; nothing personal, nothing immense, nothing intense.
Then why am I so upset that you might end up having nothing towards me? Is it because you’re my first crush? The first person I have ever developed feeling towards? The first person who attracted me without doing anything at all? The first person who made me do all the things to never do I swore? The first person to make me feel things I never thought really existed before? So, is it because you were a first? Does that exactly have to mean something? I mean, isn’t there always a first time? Why does it exactly has to be the last or the best or the right one?
Maybe you are my first in a lot of things I’ve never experienced before, but that necessarily doesn’t mean you should be my last. Maybe as a first, you were meant to teach me a lesson. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me understand how others feel. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me help others heal. Or maybe as a first you were supposed to serve a purpose I still don’t know of. And when you serve that purpose, and when I know why all this has happened, that will put my restless mind at ease. Until then I will resort to the only temporary solution I have in hand, distraction.
When I have come to face the ugly truth; that it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to work, I felt like I knew it all along. Then what kept me going on so far? Was it hope? Genuine feelings? Competitiveness and the urge to prove myself right? Or the fear of all the time spent thinking, feeling and trying, being wasted and gone in vain? Was it the fear of ending up broken hearted? Was it the emptiness I have been craving to fulfil? Was it the state of mind it brought upon me? Or was it just something that made me happy so I kept doing it?
To be honest, I have no idea. I don’t know what kept me going on till now, and I don’t know if you ever felt the same way I did, or even close. I don’t know if I even had genuine feelings to you and I don’t know if by time they will go.
Of course the idea of it brings misery to my heart, but what brings me some peace of mind is the fact that if it is meant to be it will be, if we are destined to be together then it will happen and that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, I might learn a valuable lesson. And if it is never going to be you then there may be someone out there waiting for me believing I’m too good to be true, and if there’s not, it’s still all good. I have a happy life now and I won’t trade it for the world. I am happy and that’s what matters most.
Here we go again. But this time I will learn from my mistakes. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I will not think about the future or even the past. I will just live the present, enjoy the moment and see where it gets us. To be honest, I really missed you. Missed what I used to do to see you. Missed the way you made me nervous, breathless and made my heart skip a beat. Missed the constant smile you draw on my face the day I see you. I thought I was over you, that it was just a phase, just a crush that will eventually go away. But I guess I was wrong. I don’t want to overthink it, I will just let the days define what it is. And so, here we go again.
Sometimes I wonder, what if my other half is in the other half of the world? How are we going to meet each other? What are the chances that we ever will meet each other? Will we spend our lives with other people because we never met? And if we ever do, will it be too late? Or is destiny stronger than both of us, and the twists of fate will find a way to lead us to each other somehow? Will destiny finally have mercy on me and lead me to the love I’ve been waiting for, that at some point I have given up on? You never know.
Now it seems that a huge percentage is in favour of, that feelings towards me you don’t have. And so I have to set myself to accept this, give up on you and try to stop my evolving emotions towards you. Out loud I say I will do, but deep inside I say no, and which decision is right? I don’t know.
I’ve always followed my heart and my instincts and they’ve never been wrong. My instinct this time tells me to not give up, that there’s hope; and I wish I could trust it, but I’m not sure if it’s really my instinct. It might be my dignity speaking not wanting things to end this way, not wanting all those feelings to go in vain, not wanting to declare defeat. Or it might be my head not processing the thought, not accepting it, not wanting to be a quitter, wanting to try till the last breathe as it always does, and so wanting me to keep going on and not give up.
I don’t know what inside me is holding on to you, but I know I can’t do so. I will let whatever that’s inside me hold on to you secretly as long as it wishes because if one day it ends up to be right, then I’ll proudly say that I always felt it. My visible actions won’t do the same. They’ll do what’s logical and retreat, announce their defeat and try not to have anything to do with you again, so it’s easier to let go. Who is going to be right; my actions or the feelings deep inside, the answer will be provided by time.
I decided to let go and let time decide the rest, what happens next, our destiny and all these sorts of things. Maybe you too can help time in its decision; with your words, with your actions, either or both, whatever you choose.
Why did I take this decision? I have been too smart my entire life to start a relationship I know would inevitably end. I avoided every possible choice that might end up with a heartbreak. I have managed to keep my heart solid and intact all those years, and I’m not willing to risk it now. I am not willing to feel stupid nor am I wiling to break my heart; not for you, not for anyone, not ever.
I don’t know if I love you or not. I don’t know if you’re the one or just another writing material. I can’t be so sure. Honestly, and I give it to you, you are the most confusing person I’ve ever met. You’re the only person I never understood and until now I still do not. I don’t know if I still have feelings for you or if I normally treat you. I don’t know if you still make my heart skip a beat and draw a constant smile on my face or if it’s something else that does so or if I even don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t exactly figure out how I feel nor how you do; and here I’ve reached the peak of confusion.
Time, make your judgement and take your decision. Whatever you bring upon me, prove to me, show me and clarify to me, I’m ready to accept it. I may not know how I feel or how he does, but at least I know I’m in peace with whatever happens now and whatever comes next, because I’ve done my part and now it’s in your hands and his to decide the rest.
Each time I promise and swear that I’ll never try to see you again, I weaken up and forget what I said; I just can’t handle it. I miss you the few days I don’t see you. It’s like you’ve become my obsession, a part of my life that needs to be present, that makes my day feel complete, feel better. Seeing you literally takes my breath away and standing next to you, makes my heart skip a beat; and I just love it.
You’re the only one capable of making me feel happy and sad at the same time. You’re the only one who can release the romance within me from deep inside. You’re the only person who can turn my mood to its two extremes in happiness and misery, make me feel on top of the world then hit rock bottom at the same moment and you’re even capable of the opposite as well. And I just love it.
If only there was something to make you read all the words I write about you. If only I could let you hear how I speak of you. If only you had an idea of what I do just to see you. If only there was a way to let you know, that I’m on the verge of loving you. Yes I am, and that scares me a lot because you refuse to give me any sign to let me know how you feel, but instead you prefer to drive me crazy, and the sad thing is, I just love it.
Men. Stupid, unpredictable, careless, heartless, incomprehensible and any negative adjective you can think of. I am serious. The only reason women are crazy is because men are stupid; the person who said this deserves a noble prize in wisdom.
Movies have been made and books have been written on “what women want?”and I don’t know why on Earth have no one decided to enlighten us and tell us “what the hell do men want?”. I have a good answer: to make us suffer. I believe men like to confuse us and send us mixed signals because they know we overthink, so they’d like to watch us suffer doing it. They like to mistreat us and let us underestimate ourselves so they could feel superior over us. They like to choose the bitches so we give up being good girls, and when we do, they make us feel like we are the evil ones here.
Why can’t they just be straightforward and open? Why can’t they just simply tell us what the hell do they want? Why can’t they be honest? (Yes, men have the ability to lie while they’re lying). I guess the whole point of this is to watch us suffer and go crazy and blame us for whatever goes wrong then.
Unfortunately we know men are the enemy, we hate what they do to us, yet we can’t help but love the enemy, in hope we find that one person from the other side that’s worth handling, that’s worth keeping, that’s worth loving, despite the endless insanity he’s going to bring upon us.
Let’s agree that I’m falling deeply and I’m still not sure if you’ll catch me. I’m afraid to call what I have for you love when I have no idea about me how you think of. I need to know because the deeper I fall it’s harder for me to get up and get over, and I don’t want the first time for me to ever have such strong feelings to end up as a heartbreak, that is something that is going to be really hard for me to take. Give me a sign, let me know I’m doing fine or just leave me alone and let me know you want me gone. Let me know if I should continue falling safely, or stop right where I am and climb back with less injuries. Just let me know how do you think of me and put my restless mind at ease.
Yes I promised not to talk about you for sometime and take a break for a while. Yes I swore to never try to see you anymore, and I’m trying my best so far. I decided to do all this as a desperate attempt to get you off my head. But I’ll be lying if I said I don’t think of you at all, because I do, and a lot too.
I’m trying to stay strong and not go see you but I can’t deny that in every face around me I search for you and in every step I take I pray to come across you, and believe it is the twist of faith and the power of destiny that made our paths intertwine, and made your eyes meet mine. Yes, I’m that hopeless.
I also can’t stop thinking about if I ever cross your mind, not necessarily as obsessively as you cross mine, but at least from time to time. I wonder if you have any kinds of feelings towards me, even if not with the same intensity. I imagine future situations and conversations, and I know I have high expectations, and reality will not be a dream come true; yet I can not help it.
You inexplicably control my mood. Your presence makes my day and talking to you makes me feel on top of the world. Your absence makes my heart grow fonder and makes me think of you even more. You know how to get on every single nerve I have when you do something that pisses me off. You know how to give me sudden and recurrent depression attacks that even chocolate can’t cure. You just mess up with my head in a way no one ever did. You’re the only mind I’ve failed to read, the only person who’s actions I can not interpret. I even think that someday you’ll come to me and make sense of all this mess and end the struggle going on in my head.
I know I sound desperate and again, hopeless. I am. And sometimes I think, maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I’m the one who’s making a big deal out of it. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if these feelings are genuine or are just the creations of my lovesick brain. I don’t know if it’s the challenge of deciphering your actions and interpreting your thoughts that keeps me going on. And in the peak of all these confusions, the only thought that gives me comfort, and for a while silences this endless struggle; is that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, I will be good eventually. I just have to wait and find out my destiny.