I Want Special


I’ve never been told, “I like you” or “I love you”. And I’ve sometimes whined about that I know that I haven’t met the one yet, but it won’t hurt to have someone tell you they like you every once in a while, to feel loved you know.

But to my surprise, when I was at the verge of being told these words from someone I had no feelings towards, I panicked and I prayed that it doesn’t happen. And I realized that I want the first time I hear those words to be the last, that I want them to be special and worth the wait, that I haven’t wasted my life being single imagining all kinds of possible scenarios of how am I going to react when I finally find the one and hear those words for the first time. I don’t want to feel loved by people I don’t care about, I just want one person to love me truly.

I also realized that I am single not because like I always believed that I’m undesirable or unloved, but actually it’s the other way around, it’s because I haven’t loved someone yet, I haven’t met someone who I really wanted to hear my first and last “I love you” from. 

Now I know that I should just let it go and wait for it to happen, knowing that even when it doesn’t, then I haven’t actually missed anything. I want special, I want once in a lifetime, and I won’t settle for anything less, even if it means I end up with nothing. 

Beautiful Mess

Artwork by Dai Aly


I don’t think someone will rescue me from the darkness,
No, I’m in too deep already. 

I don’t think someone will fix me,

I’m too damaged already. 

I don’t think someone will guide me through life,

I’m too lost already.

I don’t think someone will make me happy in ways I’ve never thought possible,

I’m too miserable already. 

I think if someone is to ever see all this in me and still stay,

Then that’s good enough already. 

I think if someone sees all this and actually accepts it,

Then that’s even better. 

But I think if someone sees all this and believes it’s nothing but a beautiful mess that nothing is wrong with,

Then that would be the best thing to ever happen,

That would be the one true love who against all odds will be there no matter what,

That will be my perfectly messed up happily ever after.

Life’s Endless Circle

Photograph by Terry Asteryx


It gets dark,

Darker than you ever imagined it could be,

So dark that you adjust,

So dark that you no longer fear it,

That darkness becomes your friend,

And the only one you’ve got.

And before you know it,

You’re right outside that tunnel,

Where everything is bright and sunny,

You don’t know sunny,

You want darkness,

Your friend,

The only thing you understand,

But sunny overwhelms your life,

Then slowly overtakes your soul,

That you fall in love with sunny,

And just when you thought you could live like that,

Happily ever after,

In a blink of an eye,

Sunny leaves,

You’re broken hearted, lonely and shattered,

But your old friend darkness has always been there for you,

Until sunny comes back again out of the blue,

And you learn to adapt to that too.

So you keep alternating from friend to lover,

And that my friend is life’s endless circle.

The Best Day Of My Life

Artwork by Dai Aly

I used to think “the best day of my life” is a very overrated and unrealistic expression, until today. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great days, and I think that we all have good days but there’s no such thing as “the best day”. 

Today I witnessed the best day of my life (so far), and it was perfect to the point where I didn’t know how to feel, where I wasn’t able to express my happiness because until now I’m still struggling with processing what happened. It was better than the most optimistic and best case scenario I had in mind, and it seems that the skeptic in me that has developed recently is going to be silenced for a while, and my old optimistic self will rise again from its long dormancy after I thought it was dead and forever gone. 

There were numerous struggles and obstacles along the way that I set myself to accept whatever that happens and be just glad it passed by with the least amount of losses. But if it weren’t for all these struggles, I might have not again started to believe that bad things happen for a good reason. Yes, I now believe in that too. 

I still don’t know how to feel or what to say. I mean I finally witnessed the best day of my life, I know what much better than the best case scenario looks like, and I believe that bad things happen for a good reason, and that is a lot of optimism and positivity for anyone to handle. But add one more thing to this rainbows and butterflies list; as cliché as it may seem, I now don’t just believe that dreams do come true, I believe that sometimes there’s even what’s way more better than them, and when you work hard for it, when you do your best, life then decides to cut you some slack and let you enjoy the outcome of your effort, and to your surprise, it may be way more better than what you expected and more than anything you ever wanted.

But you know what’s the problem with dreams? Once they come true, you want more, and now all I can think of is “what next?”, but this time I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be better than anything I have in mind and that I can sure as hell do it. 

Wreckage

Artwork by Dai Aly

I don’t want someone to gather my broken pieces together,

Or hold me tight that they get fixed,

Or heal my scars till they disappear.

I just want someone to leave me as I am,

To not attempt to change anything,

To see the beauty in this mess,

To actually love this chaos,

And know that it’s okay to be flawed and imperfect,

That not everything broken should be fixed,

That not all scars should be healed,

That wreckage can be magnificent.

I’m A Mess

Artwork by Dai Aly

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how fine I look.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how happy I seem.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of how much I try to pull myself together.

I’m a mess,

Regardless of the tough exterior I try to maintain.

I’m a mess,

And it doesn’t matter how hard you try to find the right words to describe me,

How you try to prove to me all the great things I can be.

Still, nothing better fits me,

Nothing better defines me,

Because I’m a mess.

Shadows

Artwork by Dai Aly


We imagine scenarios in our heads that should’ve been turned into real actions,

And we do a lot of things that we never even wanted.

We don’t follow our hearts nor do we follow our minds,

But instead we follow illogical assumptions and other people’s examples.

Little do we know that each one of us is the creator of their own story,

Little do we know that within our own instincts lies our happiness,

That taking the risk and the worst case scenario happening,

Is still more comforting than hiding and avoiding our heart’s desire,

That hesitance will do us no good but living in regrets and what could’ve beens.

And so our lives become a series of events we’ve never wished for,

And we end up living in the shadows of lives that are not even ours.
 — Nada Shahin

Her Heart

She hated how her heart controlled every decision and every action of hers,

Making a fool of her at every possible opportunity.

Then she remembered the happiness it filled her with,

The smiles it drew and the days it made,

The paths it led her to,

And the dreams its irrationality and risk-taking made true.

Yes, her heart was misused, broken and taken for granted,

But it made her who she is,

It led her to where she is,

And for the world she would never give this away.

Let those who wronged her heart regret it and pay for their actions,

But she will not change it or seal it for them.

Our Subconscious 

I believe everything we write, no matter how fictitious, bizarre or farfetched it may seem, still holds a part of our souls within. I believe everything we say, no matter how we swear it’s a joke, just slipped out or is irrelevant, holds a little truth within. 

I believe everything we do, no matter how we claim that it’s unintentional, a random action, or just happened, holds a part of will within. 

No matter how much we believe we are in full control of our minds and hearts, they find a way of coming through and controlling our actions. Our subconscious resurfaces and takes control of our conscious and we end up saying or doing what we actually feel. No matter how you try to conceal your true self, try to hide your emotions, or run away from a thought or a desire, they will all find you and there will be no way out.   

So why waste your life trying to run and hide when you will be eventually found? Why try hard to put on a mask that will eventually fall off? Why not just be yourself and embrace who you are and save all the effort? 

I Write

I write, because I tend to keep my feelings and emotions in and that’s their only way out.
I write, because it’s somehow a successful attempt to organize the chaos overwhelming my mind.

I write, because if I don’t, God knows how heavy was going to be the pile on my chest.

I write, because it heals the pain in my heart.

I write, because it’s easier to express myself behind a screen rather than confront myself or others with how I feel.

I write, because neither the pen nor the keyboard suddenly stop the words coming out unless I decide to.

I write, because neither the paper nor the screen interrupt me when I speak.

I write, because only then all the perfect scenarios in my head become possible and my imagination finally finds a home.

I write, because when I do, for a while the world around me disappears and suddenly everything starts to make sense in that perfect isolated world of my own.

I write, because I hope to inspire people and that someday my writing will help someone other than me.

I write, because I crave that moment where even just one person can say: “Your words changed my life” or “Your words saved me.”

I write, because to me it’s love, passion, therapy, and a way to make myself and sometimes others, happy.

No, I’m not a writer.

I just write.

An Ode To The Moon

When asked until a year ago,What is the moon to you?

I’d reply in blunt science,

That it is but a rock next to Earth.

But dear moon back then,

I’ve never just sat and stared at you,

and discovered the magic you behold within. 

Because now in you I see peace and beauty,

A guiding light that brings me serenity. 

And oh how majestic you become,

When you cross paths with the sun,

And how beautiful you are, 

Standing next to another star, 

And how omnipotent you look,

Right beside another planet.

Yes, an insignificant rock to science you may be,

But to lovers and dreamers you’re a beautiful magical mystery. 

20 Signs You’re Becoming An Adult (and failing at it)

1. You believe that those extra five minutes of sleep will make a great difference and give you the energy to keep going throughout your day (But that’s not true, unfortunately).
2. Sleep, again, has become the solution to all your problems, a stress-relief method, an escape from reality and all your responsibilities; simply, a temporary hideout from life. Unfortunately again, it is only temporary.

3. Procrastination has become a way of life. You procrastinate until you no longer can and then you procrastinate some more.

4. You spend money like you have money, then you end up spending at least half of the month broke as hell. One day you’re living life to the fullest and the other you’re striving to survive.

5. You have lost the power to socially interact with humans. You might pass by a lot of people you know in the hallway and pretend you haven’t seen them, or look the other way, just because you’re too exhausted to fake a smile and have a pointless small talk. You don’t hate them, you just don’t have the energy. You also don’t hangout as often as you used to. In fact you barely hangout anymore. Unless it’s a special occasion or you really miss your friends, you don’t put an effort to go out.

 

6. Now speaking of friends, you now have way less friends. In fact, your friends are decreasing at a scary rate that you end up having one or two real ones, and sometimes you even feel that you’ve only got yourself.

 

7. You cherish your alone time more than ever. In fact, you crave your alone time at a rate that might be a bit alarming, but that’s okay, you need to figure things on your own every now and then because simply nobody knows or understands you but you.

8. The weekends have lost their sacredness. They are no longer the time for you to chill out, relax and have fun. The two days feel like two hours and you spend them either sleeping or finishing work or a mixture of both.

9. You can not function without your fix. No, not drugs, but mostly coffee, or chocolate, or a smoke; one, two, or all of them with varying amounts according to the amount of stress you have. You have become so dependent on something that you start to believe you won’t be able to function without, and when it’s there you feel like the world finally makes sense, that everything is under control and that there’s nothing you can’t do now.

 

10. Mood swings have become part of you. One moment you could be laughing and something strikes you and an endless chain reaction starts and you immediately burst into tears or at least feel like you want to and hold them in, because as an adult that’s what you realized you should do.

 

11. Your disappointment threshold has increased and your expectations have reached rock bottom. Nothing surprises you anymore.

 

12. You laugh at things that used to break your heart and make you cry, and sometimes you wonder how were you so silly. You realize now that there are so much bigger problems in life.

 

13. You do not trust people easily or open up like you used to. You only talk with your closest friends and you sometimes choose who exactly to tell. You still hold a lot of stuff in most of the time, and you think that everybody doesn’t need to know everything.

 

14. You over-think while over-thinking about over-thinking. I think you get it; too much over-thinking.

 

15. Stress, anxiety and depression are no longer psychological disorders. Okay well, they still are but they have just become so common that they seem normal.

 

16. You’d rather handle things on your own even if you need help because this is just how you prefer things. This is how things are easier.

 

17. You still haven’t gotten life figured out… yet. Even when you think you do, you realize it’s not as easy as it seems, and you keep wondering if this is really what you want to do.

 

18. Your life has become an endless cycle of “I have no choice” and “I don’t give a damn”. Most of the time you just do what you got to do whether you like it or not, for college, work or whatever other responsibilities you have. And due to all this stress you get that moment where you’re just tired of all this and decide to throw it all away, even if for a day, regardless of the consequences. But then later on you end up with more to do and the cycle goes on.

 

19. You don’t even know who you are anymore. You hear the words “you’ve changed” more than your name and even you can feel it. Life has found its way and has gotten to you in a way you yourself wonder what have you become. You simply grew up, that’s what happened.

 

20. You resort to watching endless seasons of tv series and all the latest box office movies as a way of temporarily isolating yourself from reality and getting your mind off of things. It may not be the most effective method, but it works and it helps until reality strikes again.

 

Maybe life is no longer rainbows and butterflies, but for the few moments it becomes this way, it’s totally worth it. You learned to embrace all the small things and be grateful for every happy moment. You learned to know who really matters to you, and that it’s about the quality of the few loved ones who actually care, rather than a huge quantity of useless people in your life. Maybe the transition phase from being a child to an adult is tough, but once it’s over, it becomes very rewarding and again you’ll look back at those times and laugh. Just hang in there.

 

The Last Thing

This is going to be the last thing I write about you,Until you give me a very strong reason to write something new. 
And by strong reason I mean;

Telling me that you have feelings for me,

Anything else to me is completely unnecessary. 
I’ve wasted more than enough of my time and effort,

Writing about you and trying to let you know how I feel,

And it’s just about time that you do the same,

And treat me the way I believe I deserve. 
In your eyes I can see love,

But that alone is not enough. 

I need solid proof. 

I need something to hold on to.

I need you to clearly let me know,

Instead of the roller coaster of emotions your actions show,

Instead of the sea of assumptions I keep drowning into,

I just need a clear confession from you.
And if it doesn’t happen,

If in your heart there never was anything,

Then good,

I took the right decision to give up on you,

Cleared a place in my heart for someone new,

And got the closure I’ve been craving since forever now. 

The Pile

I tried to get rid off the pile on my chest,
They told me it was better for me,

And I listened unfortunately. 
Because people were used to me always being discrete,

Trying to handle things on my own,

Trying to always seem happy,

They were bewildered watching me let things out.
They couldn’t comprehend it at all,

And took it as offensive and aggressive manner.

So in return they started to fire back,

And I just couldn’t handle and explain the false accusations they’ve been shooting at me. 
So I stayed quiet,

I kept things in again,

Piled my feelings on top of each other, 

And simply walked away,

Just like I used to.
It seems like this is the only way I can function through,

It seems like the only me people know. 

Over You

I saw you today,
But that wasn’t the highlight of my day. 

Any gesture you’d do,

No matter how simple or small,

Used to overwhelm me,

But not anymore. 

I didn’t even notice that,

As I was too busy being happy,

Until I started processing the events of my day,

And to my surprise I realised,

That you were not the source of my happiness. 

That’s when I knew,

I was over you,

Or at least on my way there. 

Not because I wanted to,

But because you gave me no other choice.

You probably believed I would forever love you,

I would forever wait for you,

No matter what you do,

Or as a matter of fact,

What you don’t. 

But I don’t have forever to waste on you,

I don’t have forever to wait for you to say anything or do,

That’s why I had nothing left but to,

Move on with my life and get over you.

My Dear Grandfather

I still can’t process the fact that you’re gone forever. I still can’t believe that I’ll see you again, never.

I don’t want to surrender to that fact, 

And I hate that the last time I saw you,

was three months ago. 

I never got a chance to say goodbye,

Or to even tell you how much I love you.
You still didn’t see me graduate and become the doctor you’ve always wished to see me be. 

You still didn’t see me get married to someone like you, just like I’ve always dreamt and you know.

You still didn’t carry my children;

love them with all your heart,

Take care of them,

Play with them,

Just like you used to do with me. 

But you will be in my heart in each and every one of those moments,

And with all my heart I hope that you’ll be watching me happily,

Along with all the ones you love,

And the creatures you belong with,

Angels. 
I know there will never be anyone to replace you,

Not in my life,

Not in my heart,

Not in this world. 

May your soul rest in peace,

May in heaven you now be,

But in my heart you always stay.
I once heard that stars are loved ones who left and are now watching over us.

Due to the too much scientific background I have I never bought that. 

Today when I was walking home crying I saw a star, 

Just one single star in the entire night sky,

Watching over me all the way,

And I believed it was you,

And for a moment I smiled. 
I hope I make you happy and proud like I always did. 

I hope I don’t let you down after all the support and encouragement you’ve always given me.

I hope you’re now happily watching me.

I hope to see you again one day,

But this time not as a star,

My dear grandfather. 

They Don’t Know

 

Artwork by Mario S. Nevado

 
They don’t know anything about me.

They don’t know anything about my life; my struggles, problems, hopes and dreams.

They don’t know that the smile on my face hides misery.

They don’t know that the tears in my eyes are my way to let some problems out, to leave space in the pile on top of my chest for new ones. 

They don’t know that, that tough face I put on and the “I can handle it all” attitude is nothing but a mask hiding a weak interior which is about to breakdown and fall off. 

They don’t know anything about the world full of hurricanes and thunderstorms in my head, or that other world full of locked up emotions in my heart, and they will never do. 

They don’t know, when for a moment I’m engulfed in those other worlds and they think they’ve almost caught me, that I never tell them the truth, at least not all of it. 

They don’t know that no matter how close they are to me and no matter how much they think they know, they still don’t know. 

They don’t know and they never will, because they don’t know how much effort, courage, and strength it takes to open the doors of the dark dungeons of my heart and brain, and they never will, because it’s easier for them to not know. 

That’s why they don’t know.

A Day Dream 

Artwork by Michael Phipps

 
In one of the very few moments they got to spend alone, he looked her in the eye and said: “I love you”. He understood all the bewilderment in her eyes and the mixture of emotions showing on her face; from disbelief to shyness to overjoy to all the other feelings her brain can process and her body can occupy.

Still bewildered, she spontaneously said: “Why?”. Out of all replies, this was the one he’d never expected. He knew she was different, she was not like anyone else, and he also knew she was not going to reply with a typical “I love you too”, but this, he didn’t see it coming at all. He told her: “Why not?”. A shy smile was now drawn over her face making him feel victorious having said the perfect words, but then with those puppy eyes of hers that he instantly fell in love with the moment he saw, the ones he could never say no to, she looked at him demanding an answer. 

He took a deep breath, gathered all the guts he’s got and said: “I know you’re wondering why now? Why today of all days? Why after all these years? Well, to be honest You intimidate me, in fact you intimidate all men. Other than the fact that you’re beautiful, smart, kind and a real catch, you’re also strong and independent and that’s what scared me the most. I was afraid to allow myself to fall for you then realize that you’re too good to be true and that I’m not good enough for you. I was afraid to fall for you then realize that I can’t live without you, but to you a heartbreak will be nothing more but fuel to your success and motivate you even more to progress. I was afraid, and that’s no excuse, but that’s what held me back.” She smiled shyly but more confidently now and said: “I love you too, I always have and most probably always will”. 

Then before she could know what happens next, a car honk woke her up from the day dream she was living, she smiled at the thought and said: “Why not? Someday.” She told herself that even if he’s not the one nor has he ever felt anything towards her, she’ll always know her true worth and find someone else who knows that, and even if not, she still has herself, and that’s what matters most.

Screw Those Feelings

Some say that you want to fill the void in your love life and others say there is a woman in your life already. They also say that many girls like you and that you know, but you choose to ignore that and try not to be rude and act the same with all of them. They said all this in front of me and I had to fake a smile here and laugh a little there and ask questions in between. And when I lost control of my emotions and got so intense they questioned my curiousness, so I had to tone it down a bit or two and shut the hell up to not have to embarrass myself more.

But during all this I was burning with fury deep inside. I was wondering, was I one of the silly girls that throw themselves at you? Is this how you see me? I also wondered, is it true that you love this woman and you two are going to get married? My head was churning with thoughts and questions and all my face was showing were fake expressions. Until I was alone and the thoughts overwhelmed my head and the fire deep inside was about to make me explode.

Then for a second I looked back at all that has happened and thought how I, the person who doesn’t think before she speaks or does anything, managed to stay calm and suppress my emotions this much? And how I have been so stupid? So stupid to believe that you out of all people could be the one for me, that you could actually feel the same way like I do, that you were the only person who ever made me feel this way; and I hated myself even more.

You made me become someone I never thought I could ever be. Someone who catches feelings, falls so hard and so deep, so stupidly, and finally someone who hides her feelings so no one will find out how silly and naïve she is. You made me someone else who was never me and never will be and for that I decided to throw away that poison that changes me to be this way. Yes, those feelings I have for you have done me nothing but poison me, have done me nothing but pain, confusion and misery and I’ve just had enough of that.

Screw those feelings that make me cry. Screw those feelings that make me lie. Screw those feelings that make me weak. Screw those feelings that make me not me. 

I know I’m a catch and I’m out of many people’s leagues including you, and today I will sleep to that not caring whether or not what I heard was true, whether or not if you feel the same way like I do. 

You Lied

 

Artwork by Joerg Warda

 

There exists only one thing I will never let pass by, one thing I will never have the power to forgive; lying. I will never forgive you if you lie to me, even if unintentionally. They say lie once and all your truths become questionable. Yes, if you can lie once then you can lie a hundred times, and with that goes my trust, and what kind of relationship can work without trust?

You lied. You lied to my face right here in my place. You lied to my face each time you were trying to divert me away from reality. You lied to my face not even for my own good, on the contrary. You lied to my face small little lies that I chose to ignore because of what you meant to me, but this last one made all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and showed your true personality, something I never imagined would be that ugly.

I don’t care about the number of years I’ve known you for, or the friendship that supposedly we had before, because when you lied you blew it all. Unfortunately, I can’t not know you anymore, but to me you’ll be nothing but someone I just know. So don’t be surprised if I treat you like a stranger, don’t be surprised if with you I share nothing no more, don’t be surprised when you’re no longer part of my life. In fact, be grateful that I still know you, because unfortunately unlike you, I’m naïve enough to consider and respect the years of friendship we had to just kick you out of my life like that. Although I don’t deny I wish I could, but I just can’t.

The Small Things And The Bad Things

I always say bad things happen for a good reason, but recently I’ve never believed more in that. I’ve been going through a lot of stresses lately and bad things just kept striking one after the other endlessly that I just wanted to take a break from life for a day, just a day.

Remember when I also always say that it’s the small things that matter most? This is exactly what happened to me; a simple unexpected gesture changed my bad day and made me smile and sleep happily. In fact, it changed my whole perspective of the chaos I’m currently living in. I started to think again of all the mess I’ve been going through for a while and of all the good things that has happened as a result; big or small, to me they’re all one.

Instead of depressing yourself for too long and only seeing the bad side of the story, start looking at the good one immediately. I know it’s hard especially you get hit simultaneously and unexpectedly, but give it a shot because it will be totally worth it. It will give you something to keep you going, something to look forward to. Besides, pulling yourself away and leaving frustration and depression to overtake you won’t help anyway.

NUMB. 

Do you know this feeling where you can no longer carry the world on your shoulders and your feet can no more handle your own body weight? That feeling where nothing makes sense anymore, and you don’t know why things happen or what for.

You try at first to hold your tears and put on a tough face, but then you reach that point where you just want to let it all out; and when you give your tear glands the permission to explode, they just refuse to. When you try to do the opposite and cheer up because everyone around you is asking you to do so and because you really want to, so you eat all the chocolate in the world and listen to all your favourite songs; but still NADA, nothing.

You’re not sad, neither are you happy. You feel nothing, you’re completely numb. No, it’s not just a bad day. This bad day was nothing but a small scene in a series that has been going on for a long time, and I have just been piling everything up and playing fine. Until that one “bad day”, in fact that one bad moment where the pile just couldn’t take anymore and all fell apart, and that fine feeling went along with it. Or at least it’s what I believed in until I realised that it was not just the fine feeling that was gone, but it was all the feelings as a matter of fact. Now only four letters are all that I can feel, only four letters can define me: N-U-M-B. Yes, numb is me.

I’m fine. 

Just as I was about to idiotically fall back again, the universe decided to hold me when I was about to drop off the tip of that deadly cliff. I saw you with her in what might seem normal, but that was the last string of hope I had attached in the delirium of your love and it untangled and fell off. Surprisingly I’m not sad. I’m happy or at least I’m smilIng; I’m just fine and fine is good. It is about time I move on and one year seems more than enough to ensures one’s strength and genuineness of feelings, or their existence in the first place to be honest; and I don’t seem to have something solid to hold on to, to make me believe in yours. It’s okay. Maybe this sweet and bitter dream, or delusion, or whatever it is, was meant to happen for a reason; and I’m fine with it. Yes, I’m fine and I deserve the best as well. I’ve never believed in that sentence this much ever; and that too is good.

The Small Things Again

It is the small things I swear. The simple random unplanned outings, with the unexpected fun and overwhelming happiness that follow them, are what can make a huge difference. Sometimes you don’t need a complete day off from life like I used to mistakenly believe. In fact, what you might need is spending time with the people you love, unleashing your real spirit and giving freedom to your captivated soul. To remember how it is to be yourself and return to the person you were before transforming to the stress-controlled life-overwhelmed numb soul you were turning into. It is the small simple things that make a huge difference.

The Pile

I tend to pile things up my chest until they skyrocket. On the contrary I beg people to let things out and when they do, I pile up those too until the sky is not enough limit. I do this because I believe people have enough going on with their lives and they don’t need more problems to carry around. But I love to listen because part of me believes that I have the power to make people happy and my happiness is derived from that of others. Believe me I’m not pretentiously selfless. I do carry around more problems of others than mine and I do wish sometimes if someone could offer to carry mine even if for a while.  

Those Three Words

Saying those three words is no walk in the park. It requires a tremendous amount of strength and courage as a start. Not only that, but also blind trust and total reliance. After an endless cycle of overthinking and rethinking until you’re brain is about to explode, so it decides to calm down a bit right before starting its vigorous battle with the heart on who takes the final decision. All this needs time, a lot of time. Then you reach a peak where you no longer can hold it in your heart for one more moment and have no other choice but to let it out regardless of the consequences, and finally say: “I’m not fine”.

The Real Challenge

I know I’m one great package and any guy would be very lucky to have me. But I don’t want someone to love me for how good I am. In fact, I want the person who sees beyond that and loves me for my flaws before my merits. Not tolerates them; loves them. It’s easy to love someone who has a good personality or looks pretty. But what is actually hard, is to love their imperfections and irrationalities, no matter how big or small they are; and here lies the real challenge. So when I meet the person that manages to see beauty and perfection in the worst aspects of my personality, that person is then worthy of loving and having me.

Persona Magazine

I’ve always dreamt of having my own magazine someday, and here I am a few days away. To me, it’s not just a magazine, it’s my baby. A baby that will only grow by your love and support. This magazine was built and will be going on by this slogan: Think Grey.

We the people who think grey; founders, writers, editors, photographers and marketers, are one big family responsible for the birth of this new baby. We are counting down the time left for our magazine’s launching day. Persona magazine, our new online magazine that will hopefully meet your high expectations and where you’ll find your grey thought written down line by line…

Check our website: http://personamagazine.me

Like and share our Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/PersonaMagazien

Follow us on Instagram: @persona.magazine

Follow us on Twitter: @personamag2015

Support us as much as you can by liking, following and sharing and let this baby find the love and support it needs to grow into something big, into what I’ve always dreamt of.

Think grey!

No One Understands

In the darkest of my times, I try to enjoy the moment and laugh while I’m being tormented deep inside. I don’t like to open up unless I’m about to crack and I only do so to the very closest people I know, not even all of them. And people ask me “Why? Why don’t you seek comfort and help?”. How can I ask someone to help me when they don’t even understand what I’m going through, and not in a million years will they do so?
They think my life is a piece of cake that I eat off a golden plate, only because I manage to disguise the ugly truth that lies behind this fancy cover I try to maintain. “But why keep maintaining it? Why not just drop the mask off and let them know the truth?”. The process is even more exhausting than dealing with the problem itself and I always like to keep my tough exterior intact because it is all I have.
I’m not sure if this is strength or contrarily my weakness. I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do when you’re hurt to the point that you get used to the pain it makes you become so numb. Yes I’ve become so numb to the point that the highlight of my day, my biggest comfort and major source of happiness, oh yeah happiness (and I’m not even sure if I can call it that), has become sitting on my beanbag at the corner doing nothing; nothing at all. So do you still think I can clarify and explain it all?

The Bashful Craving of Love

So I’ve been told the introduction was pessimistic as hell and that it might lead to either the reader not continuing to read or to feel a bit down. Well, I would never want that. I write because I want you to feel better, give you maybe a piece of advice, make you smile at some point or the noblest of all goals, inspire you. Now this is one cute, very honest and heartfelt introduction. So will you please bear with me till the end and read the whole thing?
You fall in love once, twice and a gazillion times. You say you can’t help it; you can’t help but think this person may be different, that they may be the one you’ve been looking for forever. So you leave yourself to fall all over again and go through the same pain just for the sake of that tiny glimpse of hope of finding love. When in fact, if you ask me, love is a once in a life time feeling. So in my opinion, most probably it was either that one of these times was actually true love or none of them was; and in this case don’t worry because the best is yet to come.
You keep on searching for love in each and every person you’re attracted to or you crush on. You see it as an opportunity to find that feeling forever you’ve been looking for, to satisfy that bashful craving of loving and being loved in return. While in fact, despite how much it might surprise you, these are mostly nothing but a couple of hormonal fluctuations and disruptions that are bound to end one way or another regardless of how much you try to evolve and develop them into genuine and heartfelt feelings. This is why it is possible to get over each and every time because it was never love, and the next person you meet just simply erases whatever there was earlier and the cycle goes on. In the end the noble mystic majestic feeling of love isn’t supposed to come and go like that. Right?
But this person, you’re sure you’ve never felt this way before nor have you had such intense and immense feelings in your life ever towards anyone; this is the one and you can swear to it. Well you know what they say, if it’s meant to be it will be and so in this case just let it go off your head and see because they also say love comes when you’re not looking; so I guess you should turn your back on it and wait for things to happen. If this is the one as you claim, if this is the real deal, then sure it will find its way into your life and back into your heart. Just stop getting into failing relationships one after the other for the false hope and the hopeless delusion of maybe finding love in one of them. I’m sure love isn’t meant to keep hurting you and messing with you like that.
Trust me once you get that whole concept of haunting for love out of your head, you’ll find a lot of more useful things to replace it with. The time wasted on moving on from relationship to another and fixing a so-called heartbreak after the other, will be consumed more productively, and you’ll end up finding yourself filling that emptiness you’ve always tried to fill with love.

The Disease

The clock is ticking, counting down, she is suffocating, lung by lung, one lobe at a time, and a severely torn apart and shattered heart was the main aetiology that started all this pain and misery. And now there she is, her soul leaving her body bit by bit, like a thread being pulled off a woollen sweater that is slowly being deformed and deteriorated, and now is becoming a messy lump that has no beauty, meaning or purpose. 
And when both her lungs were almost emptied, when her soul almost left, when the sweater was about to diminish, she took the deepest breath she ever could, inhaled all the air surrounding her and filled every inch of her almost empty lungs, then held her head up high and stood up, decided to reweave herself into something more better, more beautiful and more stronger.
And so, she gathered all those broken pieces of her heart and stitched them together with barbed wires so it becomes an unbreakable piece, in fact, an unapproachable one. She cured the main aetiology of her suffering and whatever symptoms that followed it, and now she became immune, unsusceptible and resistant to the disease of love. In the end this is how it all begun. 

The Pointless Quest of Finding Love

From the day we understand the word love, not the “I love you mum” version but rather the cheesy romantic soulmate type, we are on an unconscious quest to find it. To find that kind of love we see in movies, hear in songs and read in books. That feeling people claim is the most mysterious inexplicable yet the best. 
We get so overwhelmed in this quest that we overlook the love surrounding us. Love that compensates the one we are looking for and may be even better. We forget our families’ unconditional love and don’t take into consideration the flaw-accepting love of our friends. We ignore the love and respect of the people surrounding us at school or work. 
If you ask me, yes love is in the air, it is everywhere, but unfortunately you’ve set yourself to look for it in one direction, when actually if you decide to turn around and take a look, you’ll realise that you don’t need to make that much effort because you already have so much love. And when you decide to appreciate and cherish each and every moment of it, you will stop your pointless quest because that love around you will be very sufficient. And the cheesy romantic soulmate love? Well, they say it comes while you’re not looking and least expecting it. So I guess all roads lead to stopping your pointless quest for finding love. 

The Source of Happiness

If I were asked to define happiness, I’d say that it’s a mindset not a target. And if I were asked its source to define, well that will be a hard one to determine.

I will not know how to choose between the euphoria chocolate brings upon me or between way books make me feel. I can’t think of which makes me happier, listening to my favourite songs or watching Harry Potter. And I definitely can’t choose which time is better spent, watching a football game with my father, or a mother-daughter conversation. I will not be able to claim that the happiness I get when I’m with my friends means more to me than that when I make my parents proud. I won’t pick between carrying a baby and playing with them, and talking for hours on the phone with my best friend. I’m not sure if inspiring people with something I just wrote makes me happier than when giving advice to my little sister. And if on the future I had to choose between the happiness of publishing my first book or that of graduating and becoming a dentist, I wouldn’t know which one to pick either.

Point is, there’s no definite source of happiness and there is no ultimate major unique source of it. Yes, even chocolates. Happiness can be found in all those small moments and all the big achievements. It can be found in everything, anywhere you want it to be. So don’t condition it to something specific and wait till you achieve it, don’t set criteria and targets, and just cherish every moment, just remember life is too short to waste it being anything other than happy.

Inside Me

Inside me is a heart that chooses to take all my decisions regardless of the circumstances, risking it all just for my happiness and that of others, and may end up broken but heals itself again every time and keeps going on with the same intensity like before.
Inside me is a gut instinct that I always believe in, that has never failed me and is true most of the time, and even if not, I never lose faith in its abilities. 
Inside me is a mind craving to be heard, to be listened to, to have the words in my heart pass by it before they come out, and to prevent my heart from taking random spontaneous irrational decisions blindly, just because it doesn’t want to see it broken again. A mind that ends up gathering the pieces of my broken heart, helping it heal, move on and forget, never giving up on it, always there by its side trying to support and strengthen it. 
Inside me is a soul that knows exactly what it wants and tries hard to reach it regardless of the circumstances. A soul wanting to serve its purpose in life, wanting to live life and enjoy it to the fullest before it leaves, so it would have nothing to regret when it’s gone.
Inside me are all the words left unsaid, the words that couldn’t make it out of my lips without passing through my brain like the rest of everything I say.
Inside me are all those stories of the people I love, all their problems, miseries, hopes and dreams, piling up there on top of my chest where I can feel them with every breath so they never are forgotten and always are taken good care of.
Inside me are my hopes and dreams trying to come true day by day to make me and those who I love happy.
Inside me are stories and memories, good and bad ones. The good I never forget, and the bad after a while I learn from and laugh at.
Inside me there is always happiness, and even if not obvious, even in the darkest of times, tries to resurface and my mood it overwhelms.
I might look very simple and carefree on the outside but inside me is a whole different world continuously going on. 

The World We Live In

We live in a time where 14 year olds who just broke up with their boyfriends cut their wrists and think that “life sucks”. A time where children dress, act and think like adults, carry around iPads instead of toy cars and dolls, and watch twilight instead of cartoons; a time where innocence is nonexistent and childhood is dead.

We live in a time where war has become a daily routine we hear about in the news, and the death numbers, us, no longer amuse. A time where the fine line between what’s wrong and what’s right has disappeared, where morality is stupidity and survival of the fittest is the main philosophy.

We live in a time that I don’t know what to call. I’ve run out of words to describe how cruel, mad, and inexplicable this world has become, it’s like the end of time is near, it’s like everything is becoming its opposite and upside down the world is turning.
War is peace, slavery is freedom, ignorance is knowledge, good is bad and right is wrong; things we’ve only read about in books and watched in movies, laughed at or thought were too extreme to be one day real. And the world we have in our heads, the life we carry in our hearts, is nothing but a delusion we choose to live in to hide from the ugly truth and the harsh reality that is everywhere around us, that one way or another we are bound to accept and face.

My Heart

From my mistakes I never learn. To be honest not all. Only those regarding my personality. Like trusting people easily and being too friendly. Like giving people not just second chances, but a million ones. Like not thinking before speaking or doing anything. Like being an open book with nothing to hide. Like having high hopes that let me down each time. Like falling too hard and blindly following my heart. Oh my heart, constantly dominating my actions and thoughts, and when my mind decides to intervene to help me from the upcoming chaos I’m about to bring upon myself, my heart goes on and never listens. And when it ends up broken and shattered, it comes back to my mind seeking for help. And only at the peak of its weakness and fury does my heart to my mind listen. But when it gathers itself and pulls itself back together, again it ignores my mind and does what it does.  But I decided to put this to an end. I know it’s too late to stop following my heart, but I will allow my mind to interfere and control my thoughts. I will not block my heart completely but my mind I will allow to help me. I will announce a peace treaty, instead of the continuous ongoing war between them that my heart constantly wins. I will still be the person who follows her heart and instincts in almost everything but with her mind along her side as well.

Another Writing Material

Another writing material. That is the answer to a question I asked myself almost a year ago when I first saw you and caught feelings for you; is it finally true love, or is it just another writing material? And now we know the answer. 
The irony is that for the first time not just did I have feelings for someone but actually believed he might be the so called “the one”. Remembering this, how I used to think and feel, makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh at how stupid I was, and cry for the same exact reason. How naive and blinded by our feelings can we become? How can our emotions control our actions and our brains become so dumb? And when we wake up and realise the ugly truth, the flooding river of emotions dries out and all the feelings we once had flowing in our blood are gone. And we turn from life-loving excessively emotional creatures to broken numb feelingless pieces. 
Why go through this path of hell when we know it never ends up well? Scream all you wish that love exists and someday someone will walk into your life and all that cute little shit, but don’t tell me it’s worth taking the risk of breaking your heart once and twice and a gazillion times. Don’t tell me it’s worth the sleepless nights and the head and heart ache that leaves you more lifeless each and every time. 
If there’s true love, then good for those who have it and if I were meant to have it someday, then I’m sure it won’t break me, I’m sure this is not what love was designed for. Other than that, whoever walks into my life I will try my best to shut off my heart and protect it with high fences and barbed wires if I could, and whoever regardless of all this succeeds to cross, breaks my heart and makes me go through that deadly circle of feelings, emotions and love, will still be nothing but another writing material. This is how I chose to gather the broken pieces of my heart; learning a lesson, becoming stronger and more mature, and turning it into good writing material. Unless someone decides to prove the opposite. 

Nothing Lasts Forever

Just when I thought that I have become lucky, and I started to feel happy, reality struck me. The only constant thing in life is change, and nothing lasts forever. And that my friends, is life’s only lesson. So just learn to embrace the moment and enjoy it while it lasts, never hold on to something with all your heart, and appreciate what you have before it’s gone; so you regret nothing when life takes its natural course. And when it does, just accept it the way it is, because if happiness doesn’t last, so does misery, it also is going to end someday. 

Smile

They say when you smile the world smiles with you, so just smile even if you don’t want to. Have you ever seen someone smiling at you and never smiled back? Not even deep down in your heart? Not even a fake smile? It’s contagious! Smile and everything around you will start smiling, and without further cliché lines and accusations from you that I don’t get it, smile now to the person next to you and if you’re alone smile to yourself at the mirror. I’m serious do it now. And if you don’t feel any tiniest bit of difference then you can come and talk to me. 

The Day I Was Born 

10:30 pm on the 31st of August 1994, I was born. Sometimes I wonder why and what for? Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t happen, would it matter? But then I remember being the source of happiness for two families the day I was born, being the first grandchild, and then I remember my father always telling me that since the day I was born I brought with me good luck to our back then small family. And I remember my friends who come to me at their darkest of times seeking comfort and advice. And I remember all those people who tell me “You made my day”.
It seems like to some people the day I was born matters, that without me their lives would’ve been slightly different. And now after the writing and the public posting, when people like what I write and say it inspired them or touched them somehow or even give me their opinion about it, it’s not the number that matters to me, it’s the idea that I have somehow came across a random person’s life and done something, even if temporary. Someday I wish I could affect and change lives as much as possible, make lives better and make more people’s days, on a very much broader spectrum.
The day I was born was no coincidence. I am here and I have a purpose to serve. I may have done part of it but I know there is more to come yet. And by the way, so do you. No one is a waste of space or air, we are all here for some reason and our existence matters at least for one person or even an animal. So if you’re still questioning the purpose of your existence, look around you and you will find it’s much more closer to you thank you think. 

Never Been Kissed

I’ve never been kissed. Never been in a relationship. Never been told I love you. Never been told I like you. Never been on a date. Never been asked out. But I believe if I’m ever going to have a kiss, my first kiss, it’s going to be by the one and only person who will ever kiss me. The one and only person who with I will ever be. I imagine him to kiss me unexpectedly and publicly declare his love to me. I imagine him kissing me at the peak of my fury and when I’m happy. I imagine him kissing me with not only his lips, but his heart as well, with love and passion. Probably this is why I’m still single. I was meant to be kissed by only one person, loved by only person, and be with just one person, who will make me feel and do all that I’ve never done and felt before.

P.S. I was tagged for a #kissathon on my Instagram page by a couple of writers and poets and I couldn’t do it because obviously I’ve never been kissed but I thought that shouldn’t stop me from doing it. Anyway I just wanted to clarify things and to tell you that this is not me whining and complaining because I know you’ve suffered a lot from my current frequents emotional swings and I’m sorry for that 🙈 but you must know that I’m grateful for all of you and I love you all ❤️

Be Happy

One of the biggest mistakes we ever make is conditioning our happiness and having definite sources of it. When a source is gone, so does your happiness, or at least part of it. When in fact if you think of it, you can find happiness in the simplest of things. If you leave your happiness unconditional and look around you, you will start finding it in places unexpected. And those sources when gone, many others will compensate it. 
Think of it. There are at least 100 reasons for you to be happy. From the fact that you’re alive and breathing to the fact that you have a roof to live under and a phone or a laptop to hold and read this post from now. No matter what you go through, no matter how tough life gets on you, how big your problems may seem and how broken your heart may be, remember there are people out there who would be happy if they just had what you have. I know we all have those moments when life is no longer bearable and we have too many problems all at once, and you have all the right to get upset and depressed; it’s important to let it all out. But in the middle of all this start counting your blessings and the 100 reasons you have to be happy and whatever it is that you’re going through, it will not seem so bad after all. 
And as I always say, happiness is nothing but a mindset. 

Why do I Write?

 
 I write because it helps me let out all my feelings and emotions, my beliefs and thoughts, my hopes and dreams; and put them together into organized meaningful words. 
I write because I hope what I write touches someone somehow, makes them relate to it, maybe feel better, or draw a temporary smile on their face, and maybe someday inspire them. And when this happens, I feel like I have achieved my goal and an inexplicable feeling of euphoria overwhelms me.
I write because one day I hope what I write changes lives and makes them better. And if this happens, then I have served my purpose well. So do you think I can?

I am A Woman

Drawing by the talented Rawan Alaa

I am a woman. I am stronger and tougher more than anyone can imagine. Sometimes I wonder why do they say “man up” when they urge someone to step up or to fight harder when in my opinion “woman up” is the right word. 

I am a woman. I endure and tolerate physical and psychological pain beyond belief. Internal and external, body and soul, heart and mind; everything within me suffers and bleeds and yet I still manage to pull myself together, stand up, hold my head up high and move on. 

I am a woman. I live in oppression and discrimination. I don’t get the least of my rights. Yet I manage to survive. I fight and never cease to settle and surrender. I can do everything, anything, once I set my mind to it, and no one and nothing can stop me. 

I am a woman. I’m the source of life on this planet. Without me humanity would vanish. If all men became extinct, a sperm bank would help the continuity of humanity, but if all women were gone, humanity is done. 

I am a woman. I don’t underestimate men. I don’t think men are the enemy. How can I when I love the enemy? I respect the enemy. I get hurt and all my miseries are brought upon me by the enemy. Even though I know I don’t need him. Yet I still want him, forgive him, give him tons of chances, love him with all my heart until it tears apart, handle him at his best and worst and lie to myself claiming I can never live without him just to give myself more reasons to keep loving him and making sure he’s happy and doesn’t need anything. 

I am a woman. I am what gives this life meaning and purpose. I am it’s reason and source. I am what matters most. And I am proud to be all those, a woman.

Your Laugh

This is totally more than worth the few seconds you will take to read it.

Geovary

” Your Laugh Alone Needs A Whole Heart To Love ” 

Merely Five small words with alot of hidden meaning..

Does such love still exist?

If it does, I really hope it stays hidden, to be shielded and taken good care of,

For the word “Love” is now merely just another word that has been poisoned by sexual desires, Greed, Impatience, and selfishness…

Nowadays I could hardly meet someone who would “take a bullet” for another without thinking “what’s in it for me?” ..

Will we ever find a cure to this disease of self obsession? or will it progress to a terminal stage?

” One Can Only Hope “

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Soulmate

I’d be lying if I said I know what a soulmate is. But I imagine it to be, or at least I want it to be, as a start, someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who understands me easily. Someone who accepts my flaws merrily, and sees in me perfection and beauty. Someone who will see what everyone failed to see in me finally. Someone who will spend the rest of his life with me, living forever happily, and if he has too, will die for me willingly. Someone who will make all the movie stories seem silly. Someone who if I ever find, I will do the same to and more. Someone who will finally make me know what a soulmate is and what power as soulmates do we together own. That life with all its mighty hardships will stand no chance against us, because as long as we have each other, nothing else matters. 

Desperation

There was a time when I was the definition of desperation, where I used to crave misery and hold on to every glimpse of hope, true or false, and the worst thing about it, is that I never knew I was desperate. I never believed anyone who told me I was. I believed that I was doing what I had to do, and I kept following my heart until it broke and tore apart. It took me a long time to gather the shattered pieces together and reassemble them into something stronger. I did not give up nor did I surrender to my desperation; and I have to admit that without it I also wouldn’t have been stronger. It seems it’s true what they say, that it’s our own choices that make us shape our own destiny. 

Beauty

All our lives we’ve been set to believe that beauty is the one we see in models and superstars, that it has certain standards and criteria, which is completely false, but unfortunately we live our lives looking for and trying to chase an illusion. In my opinion, the inner beauty defines the outer one. As cliché as it may sound, but I actually find a person with a beautiful soul inexplicably more attractive, and no matter how good looking a bad person may seem, something about them still turns me off. The soul deep within, the inner beauty, inflicts upon the external appearance. External beauty is mortal, but the internal one lasts forever; it is the one that really matters.

Craving Misery

I can’t believe I’m writing this now. A small conversation that only lasted a couple of minutes made me realize that it is going to take so much power and strength to finally declare I’m over him. I kept telling everyone that it’s fine, it’s just a small casual conversation, what harm could it do? I kept convincing myself that I have to get used to the fact that I will deal with him anyway whether I like it or not, so why not get used to it now. But then a few seconds later, it’s invading and overtaking my thoughts and it’s all I can think of. 

What the hell is wrong with me? It’s like I crave misery. I want to feel desperate and depressed, weak and vulnerable, and be a total mess. Why can’t I just let go and accept the fact that HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME! Where the hell is my dignity? Until when am I going to be living in this emotional hell? 

Lord give me strength to get him off my head. Lord please keep him away from me until I pull myself together and become able to deal with him like a normal person. And let’s pray it is the last time I write anything about this because honestly I’m starting to hate myself for doing it. 

Love Yourself

We all look for love, wait for it and some of us even have it. But let me talk to those who think they don’t. All our lives we’ve been set to believe that love is that stuff that you see in movies and hear in songs and read about in books. That it’s the only thing that matters, that it completes you as a person, and gives your life meaning and purpose. Well, good news, this is utter and complete bullshit. 

Your life does not revolve around finding your significant other and living happily ever after. This is to girls especially, your dreams should not revolve around finding love, getting married and have that big fancy wedding and wearing that beautiful white dress. There is so much more to life than that. And even love is not what you think it is. You want real love? Love yourself. It’s you who you need to love before all, you who you need to love most. Because once you start falling in love with yourself you will do whatever that makes you happy and voila! You’ve achieved happiness. Yes, life is too short to waste it waiting for love, waiting for someone to bring you happiness. I’m not saying give up on the other type of love, I’m just saying think of it as an accessory or a bonus. It’s not the main type of love you need. If it comes then good, you’ve got the whole package. If it doesn’t, so what? Your package is good enough. 

The moment you start having this mindset, following your dreams and living your life to the fullest, you will realise you don’t need that cheesy romantic love after all. And if you’re craving it this much, then maybe one day when you’re not looking it will come along. Just forget about it, throw it at the back of your head, maybe out of it, and stop watching all those brainwashing movies, listening to those ear-poisoning songs and reading those mind-fucking books, because this is what will always depress you or give you false hope and then let you down. Just fall in love with the right person, you, and watch the miracles it can do.