Be Happy

One of the biggest mistakes we ever make is conditioning our happiness and having definite sources of it. When a source is gone, so does your happiness, or at least part of it. When in fact if you think of it, you can find happiness in the simplest of things. If you leave your happiness unconditional and look around you, you will start finding it in places unexpected. And those sources when gone, many others will compensate it. 
Think of it. There are at least 100 reasons for you to be happy. From the fact that you’re alive and breathing to the fact that you have a roof to live under and a phone or a laptop to hold and read this post from now. No matter what you go through, no matter how tough life gets on you, how big your problems may seem and how broken your heart may be, remember there are people out there who would be happy if they just had what you have. I know we all have those moments when life is no longer bearable and we have too many problems all at once, and you have all the right to get upset and depressed; it’s important to let it all out. But in the middle of all this start counting your blessings and the 100 reasons you have to be happy and whatever it is that you’re going through, it will not seem so bad after all. 
And as I always say, happiness is nothing but a mindset. 

Why do I Write?

 
 I write because it helps me let out all my feelings and emotions, my beliefs and thoughts, my hopes and dreams; and put them together into organized meaningful words. 
I write because I hope what I write touches someone somehow, makes them relate to it, maybe feel better, or draw a temporary smile on their face, and maybe someday inspire them. And when this happens, I feel like I have achieved my goal and an inexplicable feeling of euphoria overwhelms me.
I write because one day I hope what I write changes lives and makes them better. And if this happens, then I have served my purpose well. So do you think I can?

I am A Woman

Drawing by the talented Rawan Alaa

I am a woman. I am stronger and tougher more than anyone can imagine. Sometimes I wonder why do they say “man up” when they urge someone to step up or to fight harder when in my opinion “woman up” is the right word. 

I am a woman. I endure and tolerate physical and psychological pain beyond belief. Internal and external, body and soul, heart and mind; everything within me suffers and bleeds and yet I still manage to pull myself together, stand up, hold my head up high and move on. 

I am a woman. I live in oppression and discrimination. I don’t get the least of my rights. Yet I manage to survive. I fight and never cease to settle and surrender. I can do everything, anything, once I set my mind to it, and no one and nothing can stop me. 

I am a woman. I’m the source of life on this planet. Without me humanity would vanish. If all men became extinct, a sperm bank would help the continuity of humanity, but if all women were gone, humanity is done. 

I am a woman. I don’t underestimate men. I don’t think men are the enemy. How can I when I love the enemy? I respect the enemy. I get hurt and all my miseries are brought upon me by the enemy. Even though I know I don’t need him. Yet I still want him, forgive him, give him tons of chances, love him with all my heart until it tears apart, handle him at his best and worst and lie to myself claiming I can never live without him just to give myself more reasons to keep loving him and making sure he’s happy and doesn’t need anything. 

I am a woman. I am what gives this life meaning and purpose. I am it’s reason and source. I am what matters most. And I am proud to be all those, a woman.

Your Laugh

achocoholic:

This is totally more than worth the few seconds you will take to read it.

Originally posted on Geovary:

” Your Laugh Alone Needs A Whole Heart To Love ” 

Merely Five small words with alot of hidden meaning..

Does such love still exist?

If it does, I really hope it stays hidden, to be shielded and taken good care of,

For the word “Love” is now merely just another word that has been poisoned by sexual desires, Greed, Impatience, and selfishness…

Nowadays I could hardly meet someone who would “take a bullet” for another without thinking “what’s in it for me?” ..

Will we ever find a cure to this disease of self obsession? or will it progress to a terminal stage?

” One Can Only Hope “

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Soulmate

I’d be lying if I said I know what a soulmate is. But I imagine it to be, or at least I want it to be, as a start, someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who understands me easily. Someone who accepts my flaws merrily, and sees in me perfection and beauty. Someone who will see what everyone failed to see in me finally. Someone who will spend the rest of his life with me, living forever happily, and if he has too, will die for me willingly. Someone who will make all the movie stories seem silly. Someone who if I ever find, I will do the same to and more. Someone who will finally make me know what a soulmate is and what power as soulmates do we together own. That life with all its mighty hardships will stand no chance against us, because as long as we have each other, nothing else matters. 

Desperation

There was a time when I was the definition of desperation, where I used to crave misery and hold on to every glimpse of hope, true or false, and the worst thing about it, is that I never knew I was desperate. I never believed anyone who told me I was. I believed that I was doing what I had to do, and I kept following my heart until it broke and tore apart. It took me a long time to gather the shattered pieces together and reassemble them into something stronger. I did not give up nor did I surrender to my desperation; and I have to admit that without it I also wouldn’t have been stronger. It seems it’s true what they say, that it’s our own choices that make us shape our own destiny. 

Beauty

All our lives we’ve been set to believe that beauty is the one we see in models and superstars, that it has certain standards and criteria, which is completely false, but unfortunately we live our lives looking for and trying to chase an illusion. In my opinion, the inner beauty defines the outer one. As cliché as it may sound, but I actually find a person with a beautiful soul inexplicably more attractive, and no matter how good looking a bad person may seem, something about them still turns me off. The soul deep within, the inner beauty, inflicts upon the external appearance. External beauty is mortal, but the internal one lasts forever; it is the one that really matters.

Craving Misery

I can’t believe I’m writing this now. A small conversation that only lasted a couple of minutes made me realize that it is going to take so much power and strength to finally declare I’m over him. I kept telling everyone that it’s fine, it’s just a small casual conversation, what harm could it do? I kept convincing myself that I have to get used to the fact that I will deal with him anyway whether I like it or not, so why not get used to it now. But then a few seconds later, it’s invading and overtaking my thoughts and it’s all I can think of. 

What the hell is wrong with me? It’s like I crave misery. I want to feel desperate and depressed, weak and vulnerable, and be a total mess. Why can’t I just let go and accept the fact that HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME! Where the hell is my dignity? Until when am I going to be living in this emotional hell? 

Lord give me strength to get him off my head. Lord please keep him away from me until I pull myself together and become able to deal with him like a normal person. And let’s pray it is the last time I write anything about this because honestly I’m starting to hate myself for doing it. 

Love Yourself

We all look for love, wait for it and some of us even have it. But let me talk to those who think they don’t. All our lives we’ve been set to believe that love is that stuff that you see in movies and hear in songs and read about in books. That it’s the only thing that matters, that it completes you as a person, and gives your life meaning and purpose. Well, good news, this is utter and complete bullshit. 

Your life does not revolve around finding your significant other and living happily ever after. This is to girls especially, your dreams should not revolve around finding love, getting married and have that big fancy wedding and wearing that beautiful white dress. There is so much more to life than that. And even love is not what you think it is. You want real love? Love yourself. It’s you who you need to love before all, you who you need to love most. Because once you start falling in love with yourself you will do whatever that makes you happy and voila! You’ve achieved happiness. Yes, life is too short to waste it waiting for love, waiting for someone to bring you happiness. I’m not saying give up on the other type of love, I’m just saying think of it as an accessory or a bonus. It’s not the main type of love you need. If it comes then good, you’ve got the whole package. If it doesn’t, so what? Your package is good enough. 

The moment you start having this mindset, following your dreams and living your life to the fullest, you will realise you don’t need that cheesy romantic love after all. And if you’re craving it this much, then maybe one day when you’re not looking it will come along. Just forget about it, throw it at the back of your head, maybe out of it, and stop watching all those brainwashing movies, listening to those ear-poisoning songs and reading those mind-fucking books, because this is what will always depress you or give you false hope and then let you down. Just fall in love with the right person, you, and watch the miracles it can do. 

Enough. 

I have been writing about my feelings, my confusion, my emotional swings and heart break since forever. But today I decided to force myself to stop it. This is not all I can write about and I’m sure there’s more to life than a love lost and a broken heart. My heart is screaming: “What the hell are you doing? You can’t just forget it”. But my mind calmly replies: “Shut up, we have had enough”. 
I am about to start an online magazine with my friends, and as soon as we launch it, I will let you know. I don’t want my feelings and emotions to be the only thing I write about there too. And this is why I’m controlling myself starting now. No matter how inspired I get or how the thoughts overwhelm me, begging to be written, I’m done writing about this once and for all. Unless miraculously he comes and talks to me and something happens, which I doubt, but then we will see. 
I want to write about everything, anything, just name it. Tell me what do you want my next posts to be about, and I’ll write them all no matter what. Just help me break the curse and move on, because I’m sure you and I have had enough. 

Maybe…

Everyday I say that I will let go and move on, but it’s way more easier said than done. And this very tiny hidden hope lying deep within my heart fights hard. Making me think; maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t know what to say, maybe he’s patient, maybe he’s wise, maybe he doesn’t like to rush into things, maybe he’s waiting to surprise you on your birthday and know it without you telling him like you did with his. Or maybe he just doesn’t care!
What on Earth am I holding on to? Why the hell do I still have hope? Maybe it’s love? But love is a huge word, besides it’s a two-sided feeling and I can not sense it from anyone but me. Then what is it? Maybe it’s my ego not being able to handle the humiliation of rejection, or maybe it’s the persistence of my competitive nature, maybe it’s my instinct to never give up, or maybe it’s my mind not wanting to believe that the closest thing I’ve ever had to love, the only person I believed was the one, the first time I’ve ever had feelings, the first time I actually decided that it’s worth it and I should take the risk, was actually nothing; maybe it’s the fear of losing all this and with it losing the belief that love exists. 
Yes I have given up on love, not even the fact that there is someone better that will make me realise why it never worked. No. I decided to not let feelings weaken me anymore nor my heart to control me and my instincts to drive me. I know many people have had harder heart breaks and have gone through worse, but I was not meant for this. I made a mistake once and I learned from it. I never opened my heart before and this is how it is always going to be because now all I see is the closest attempt to falling in love, gone. 

Your Mind

I beg you to listen to me just once. Not necessarily completely take my advice, but at least consider it. Make me help you take your decisions, not even control them. Just include me, just consider me, just make me help you because each time I see you get hurt I can’t help but hate myself for not being strong enough to stop you. Who am I? What am I? I’m your mind. The only one capable of saving you and your heart from getting broken, just like you are now. 

It is not only matters of love that I want you to consult me at, but also all aspects of your life. Let your words pass through me before you speak them out. Let me think a while before you do your actions. I know you follow your heart and instincts all the way, but just let me assist them, in what you do, let me have a say. I’m your mind, and I will help you do things right. I’m your mind and I hope you learned your lesson well and decided to use me more often. 

You On Your Own

They keep telling me that someday, someone will wake into your life and make you realize why there never was anyone else. They will give your life purpose and meaning and let you truly feel happiness finally. And I used to believe that naively. 

The truth is, there’s no someday and there’s no someone and it’s just you on your own. I don’t want to sound pessimistic or bitter or whatsoever, but if you keep waiting for someone to make you happy and give your life meaning and purpose, then you will not just end up alone, but you might as well become miserable with an empty life. 

So just live your life like it’s just going to be always you on your own and if this someone decides to come someday, then good for them, if not, then whatever, you were happy anyway. 

Broken

I didn’t want to write for a while. In fact I even deleted whatever I wrote and blocked whatever thoughts that have flown in my mind. I knew whatever I was going to say was going to be weak, vulnerable and broken. Yes I was broken, maybe still am a little. Not just my heart, but my soul, my mind, everything within me was just broken. I got depressed, I, the most cheerful and optimistic person you could ever meet got depressed. I wanted to do nothing with my life I didn’t have the power mentally, emotionally or even physically to do anything, and it all started with a broken heart. I’m not saying it did all this to me, but as we say we med students, it was the main aetiology (sorry I’m still overwhelmed with exams). One thing led to another and I started looking at all the negative aspects of my life and as I said, I ended up broken.

What healed me? Or even got me started with the healing process? It was anger. I got angry and decided that I will not let feelings tear me down. Yes it all started with feelings and I don’t even want to get started with how weak, vulnerable and stupid they make you. It was my first and is going to be my last time to have them, because I don’t repeat the same mistake twice. What happened? It’s more about what did not happen actually. It’s surprising actually how silence can break your heart. How things that don’t happen are what tear you apart. I did everything I could possibly do, I followed my heart (which by the way I’m not following again, at least not without my mind along with it) and all I got was Nada (nothing in Spanish and my name by the way). Nothing, silence, no reaction, was all I got. And this is what broke my heart.

I am better now, or at least I’d like to think so. I will survive I know. And to look at the bright side, it was better to get closure and start learning to move on rather than continuing to believe in false hopes and wait for things that will never happen. It broke me but at least I can now sleep peacefully knowing that I’ve done my best and it was just not meant to be. It broke me but I will gather my scattered dignity, pull myself together and move on. Maybe it was a way to help me grow up and learn to not just be driven by my instincts and blindly follow my heart, maybe it was meant to teach me a lesson, maybe it was supposed to change me to a new better person. I don’t know. Whatever it is that was the purpose of all this, I will be fine, because I believe bad things always happen for a good reason.

No Regrets

If each one of us keeps waiting for the other to take a step or make a move or even talk first, then no one will ever do it and we will be both left wondering. So I decided to take all the risks I could, do whatever it takes and leave nothing to the what could have beens, what ifs and the regrets of what I haven’t done. And if it doesn’t work out? If it fails? If it doesn’t end up so well? At least I will live in peace with the fact that I’ve done all I could, I’ve tried my best and it was just not meant to be. And you? You should try doing so too because life is too short to waste it over-thinking and waiting.

The Link

So the only link between me and you is over now. Why did it have to end so soon? And now I’m having a post depression thinking of how will I get to see you and talk to you again. Regardless of how dreadful that link was, I’ve always loved it. I loved it for bringing you to me, for helping me find excuses to see you, talk to you and spend time with you, I just could never hate it no matter what it did to me, in fact I’m even so upset it had to end. I knew it was going to one day, but I just couldn’t see it until today,  when I realized it might be the last time I talk to you, at least for now.

My friends tell me it won’t be hard for me to figure a way but I want you to figure one too and prove that the link was not what we had, it was just a way to something bigger than that.

The Constantly Broken Vow

Every now and then I vow and swear that I’ll never talk to you again, that I’ll never take any other step or make any move before you do, that I’m done with you and that I’ll try to move on and find someone who will not let me make things I’ve never done before, who will let me know that he loves me and so much more, who I will not make all actions towards and hope for a positive response; and you, I will just get off my head, let go of and forget.

As long as I don’t see you it seems to be going well, except that I think about you most of the time and write about you and talk about you, but I claim I’m fine. Give me a couple of days or a couple of weeks maximum or just let me see your face, and Oh My God if I talked to you, that’s it! I forget whatever I said and decided to do, i realise how much I miss you, I get back to falling in love with you, can’t wait to see you again and again, and write about you even more.

If only you could read between the lines and see the hidden messages that tell you all that you need to know. If there was just a way to let you understand how much you mess with my feelings and emotions like no one has before. How actually I developed feelings for no one else but you, and how hard this is for me that sometimes I wish I could get back in time and stay single and emotionless for life. But there is also this part in me that enjoys and loves every good moment of it and hopes that you do have the same feelings and that one day we will both talk about how hard it was for us and wonder how none of us got what the other was trying to show.

Until this day ever comes I will keep trying as long as there is hope, as long as you keep giving me those small signs that I believe do mean something, and I will wait for the large ones with all my might; and bare in mind that I’m a very impatient person, so what I’m doing now, waiting and trying, is harder for me than you can imagine. But if you take that hope away from me, if you mistreat me or make me feel humiliated and that all my effort has gone in vain, then my dignity will rise and take control, beat my heart out, regardless of all the pain, until it stops loving you and regrets ever loving at all.

Nonsense

And now I know how it feels when my heart skips a beat, when I smile involuntarily and constantly, to be silly but happy and to not be able to exactly define how I feel. I understand jealousy and know how it is to be overwhelmed and obsessively think about someone. But all this feels good, it feels great, and at least I’m happy I know that.

The past 20 years of my life I never knew, I never understood and all I was good at was making fun of what I believed was over exaggerating and total nonsense. The myths of breathlessness and the heart skipping a beat, the idea of being whipped and overwhelmed, or the fact that your mood is controlled by another person’s actions or the illusion that seeing them or talking to them instantly makes you happier, and the excuse that your IQ drops and you get mentally retarded and speech impaired with them, oh and the concept of jealousy; to me all this was just unbelievable inexplicable total nonsense and the farthest thing from being logical.

Everyone would tell me you’ll never know unless you try, and I believed that it will never happen or when it does I will still not behave in such nonsense. And now nonsense is all I do. I believe now that with seeing me behave this way, everyone has got their revenge, and all their humiliated dignities and underestimated feelings have been avenged, yet I couldn’t care less. I know I have nothing solid to hold on to but I’m willing to take the risk and handle all the consequences because for the first time it feels like it’s totally worth it.

The Small Part Deep Inside

It’s not something I can control but I try my best I swear. It’s not like I have an on and off button for my brain. And even when I try to stop thinking about it for a while and convince myself that I’m done, part of me deep inside still wants to go on. That deep part keeps fighting until it resurfaces and takes over my thoughts again and I weaken up and decide to give it another shot.

Although most of the advice I get is to back off, and it seems reasonable and convincing enough, this part within me believes in something else. It tells me that they don’t know, they’re not the ones who directly deal with him, they’re not the ones who feel that vibe and get that strange beautiful inexplicable feeling. Maybe the statistics are against it but you have to follow your instincts. And I give up and listen to that small part within, rush into a thoughtless decision and pray to God it ends up well, and it does. That’s when I have all my faith restored and all my high hopes back and happiness overwhelms my heart, until my mind decides again to take charge and remind of the practical facts. And in this endless dilemma I live, not knowing who to follow, who to believe; my mind or the small part deep inside?

Dear Someday

Dear Someday,
Everyone I know keeps telling me that you will come and bring me someone that will make me realise why there never was anyone else. He will be the perfect person for me, the love of my life, my soulmate, the one for me.
And I keep wondering, is someone a person I haven’t met, or a person I know but is afraid to admit, or a person I want but is still not sure about me yet.

So dear someday, whoever that someone is, just hurry up and bring him because the longer you’re taking, I start to question you ever coming and doubt the existence of this someone, and I’m afraid to lose hope and give up to the point where I stop believing in you that even when you show up, I wouldn’t even know.

The Worst Place

I miss the past 20 years of my life when my feelings were dormant and I used to believe that jealousy was irrational; when I was single and happy and couldn’t care less. Yes I’m still single, probably forever alone too, but I have feelings, and that’s the worst place anyone could be at you know. I am not single careless and free nor am I in a relationship cute and happy. I’m in this place where I have feelings and I don’t know how the other person feels and it’s driving me crazy. The overthinking, the sleepless nights, the depression attacks and the the overconsumption of chocolate to try to ease all that; a place no one would want to be at. Why has this happened to me? I have no idea. But probably to be thankful for being single and regret ever having feelings for anyone. Oh how I miss those good old days.

If you…

If you still didn’t get the fact that my writing is about you, then I will start to question your IQ, because the only thing left unsaid is your name and that’s it. And if you know that it is and you choose to leave me like this, then this is even worse. If you feel the same way like I do but choose to not show, then there must be a reason that I need to know. If you don’t have feelings for me, then just make it clear instead of driving me crazy. Whatever it is how you feel towards me, just let me know and end my misery.

I’m Done

I’ve reached the point where I’m done of having to always take the first step and make the first move. I am done of having to wait for a positive reaction from you to every action I do. I would like to see you try hard and make an effort to get me, to show me that you too have feelings for me. I have done more than enough, I did all that I could do and tried my best to not hurt my ego. So I think it is now your turn to try, to over-think, have some sleepless nights and maybe get depressed at some point, in an attempt to prove that what I’ve done for you was worth it and that you are making an effort too, to show me that you feel the same way like I do. Do something, I’m giving up on you. Prove me wrong, please I want you to.

The Best Conversation

With all my heart I wish, and in my head I imagine, the day you come tell me that the same way I do you feel.

I imagine you telling me that you’ve had something towards me ever since you saw me, that I overwhelmed your thoughts, and that I made you nervous. And I imagine myself telling you that you’re the first person I’ve ever developed feelings towards and that you made me do things to never do I swore. And that’s when you’ll tell me that you always longed for the few minutes you see me and loved the couple of hours you spent with me even if we were working, and that day we spent just talking was one of your favourites. I’ll tell you that you have no idea how these days were the ones I was the happiest and that they always inspired me to write something; that you have become my source of inspiration when it comes to writing, my obsession when it comes to thinking and my favourite topic when it comes to talking. You’ll let me know that you were always afraid I don’t have feelings for you because with friendliness I treat everyone I know and you just thought that it might not mean something what I do, and that is why you tried your best to keep your feelings at guard and not show anything until you had a sign to make you feel secure. And this is when I laugh and say that a sign from you is what I always longed for, is what days and nights I kept praying for and its absence is what at times made me lose hope and almost give up on you; but the moment I see your face, all these thoughts behind I throw and I just get so overwhelmed in you. You’ll surprisingly tell me that you never thought I had such strong feelings for you, you believed I had something but just not that intense and I’ll laugh again and tell you that I thought of exactly the same thing. I’ll tell you how I never had feelings before and how I used to laugh at and make fun of couples and hate romantic movies and songs and how you just made everyone I know get their revenge from all the times I made fun of them and underestimated their feelings. I’ll tell you about the day I first saw you and we will get flashbacks and remember all the things we used to do and talk about how each one of us felt at that time and what we thought about and we’ll just keep talking forever and open up to each other; and to me this will be the best conversation ever.

This is something honestly I imagine a lot and wish could happen with all my heart to the extent that the thought that it might not happen, scares me a lot and I immediately push it out of my head. Of course the conversation doesn’t have to go exactly this way; but the declaration of feelings, the flashbacks and explanation of actions, is what I’m longing for and the day it happens I’m sure is going to be on of my happiest if not the most of all, because this is going to be the best conversation I’ve had so far.

If Only

If only you knew how I feel about you. If only you knew how I become in front of you. How mentally retarded and speech impaired I become, and the shyness and nervousness that overwhelm me. Things nonexistent in my true personality. If only you knew how the simplest action you do makes me feel. How happy you make me when I see you and how on top of the world I am when I talk to you.

I wish we could throw all the formalities behind us and break all the borders. I wish we could get to know each other more. If only you knew how a casual unprofessional conversation with you makes me feel.

I know I keep telling myself to not have high hopes. I know I keep trying to be a realist. But the moment I see your face all theses thoughts vanish. If only there was a way to tell you how I feel about you, without affecting my ego. If only there was a way to know if you felt the same way like I do. If only…

Small details

It is the small details that matter most. Like when you know the things I love or wait for me when I come across. Like when you notice the books I read or remember something I told you about before. Like when you try to extend a conversation a few more seconds or postpone a goodbye and say one last thing before I leave. To me, this is what matters most. This is what you unconsciously do and reflects how you really feel. This is better than some big action you think a lot before you do. That’s why to me, the small things are what makes my day.

Something

The day I see you I write. It’s like you have become my only source of inspiration. My conversations revolve around you. It’s like you have become my obsession. My thoughts are mostly about you. It’s like I have nothing else to think of. And it scares me, because if you don’t feel the same way, then I’m in deep shit.

I can not deny that the happiness you bring upon me, the day I see you and the few minutes I talk to you or the hours working I spend with you, is enough to keep me going on, is enough to make me feel that it’s worth the effort. Although it is proof enough that I’m whipped and totally overwhelmed, it is not something that I am ashamed of. The only thing that’s keeping me from telling everyone I know that I love you, from telling you yourself that I do, is my ego. My dignity and ego. I can’t survive them being hurt.

Say something, do something, or even give me a sign, something to keep me going on, something to give me strength, something to give me patience.

A Conversation With Myself

He had me at hello, yes he did. The moment I saw him something within me ticked. And this is when it all started. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s something before I’ve never felt.
-And then what?
I became whipped, totally overwhelmed.
-And what did you do about it?
I did everything I could do, and I’m still doing so; every possible action that might not affect my ego.
-And how did it go?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
-Then why didn’t you just let go?
I also don’t know and I wish if there was something solid I could hold on to.
-And if there’s not?
I can’t even handle the thought.

The First

For how long have I known you to feel this way about you? Do I even really know you? Yes we’ve known each other for months but all we had were a bunch of frequent general conversations; nothing personal, nothing immense, nothing intense.

Then why am I so upset that you might end up having nothing towards me? Is it because you’re my first crush? The first person I have ever developed feeling towards? The first person who attracted me without doing anything at all? The first person who made me do all the things to never do I swore? The first person to make me feel things I never thought really existed before? So, is it because you were a first? Does that exactly have to mean something? I mean, isn’t there always a first time? Why does it exactly has to be the last or the best or the right one?

Maybe you are my first in a lot of things I’ve never experienced before, but that necessarily doesn’t mean you should be my last. Maybe as a first, you were meant to teach me a lesson. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me understand how others feel. Maybe as a first you were supposed to make me help others heal. Or maybe as a first you were supposed to serve a purpose I still don’t know of. And when you serve that purpose, and when I know why all this has happened, that will put my restless mind at ease. Until then I will resort to the only temporary solution I have in hand, distraction.

The Ugly Truth

When I have come to face the ugly truth; that it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to work, I felt like I knew it all along. Then what kept me going on so far? Was it hope? Genuine feelings? Competitiveness and the urge to prove myself right? Or the fear of all the time spent thinking, feeling and trying, being wasted and gone in vain? Was it the fear of ending up broken hearted? Was it the emptiness I have been craving to fulfil? Was it the state of mind it brought upon me? Or was it just something that made me happy so I kept doing it?

To be honest, I have no idea. I don’t know what kept me going on till now, and I don’t know if you ever felt the same way I did, or even close. I don’t know if I even had genuine feelings to you and I don’t know if by time they will go.

Of course the idea of it brings misery to my heart, but what brings me some peace of mind is the fact that if it is meant to be it will be, if we are destined to be together then it will happen and that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, I might learn a valuable lesson. And if it is never going to be you then there may be someone out there waiting for me believing I’m too good to be true, and if there’s not, it’s still all good. I have a happy life now and I won’t trade it for the world. I am happy and that’s what matters most.

Here We Go Again

Here we go again. But this time I will learn from my mistakes. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I will not think about the future or even the past. I will just live the present, enjoy the moment and see where it gets us. To be honest, I really missed you. Missed what I used to do to see you. Missed the way you made me nervous, breathless and made my heart skip a beat. Missed the constant smile you draw on my face the day I see you. I thought I was over you, that it was just a phase, just a crush that will eventually go away. But I guess I was wrong. I don’t want to overthink it, I will just let the days define what it is. And so, here we go again.

The Other Half

Sometimes I wonder, what if my other half is in the other half of the world? How are we going to meet each other? What are the chances that we ever will meet each other? Will we spend our lives with other people because we never met? And if we ever do, will it be too late? Or is destiny stronger than both of us, and the twists of fate will find a way to lead us to each other somehow? Will destiny finally have mercy on me and lead me to the love I’ve been waiting for, that at some point I have given up on? You never know.

Deep Inside

Now it seems that a huge percentage is in favour of, that feelings towards me you don’t have. And so I have to set myself to accept this, give up on you and try to stop my evolving emotions towards you. Out loud I say I will do, but deep inside I say no, and which decision is right? I don’t know.

I’ve always followed my heart and my instincts and they’ve never been wrong. My instinct this time tells me to not give up, that there’s hope; and I wish I could trust it, but I’m not sure if it’s really my instinct. It might be my dignity speaking not wanting things to end this way, not wanting all those feelings to go in vain, not wanting to declare defeat. Or it might be my head not processing the thought, not accepting it, not wanting to be a quitter, wanting to try till the last breathe as it always does, and so wanting me to keep going on and not give up.

I don’t know what inside me is holding on to you, but I know I can’t do so. I will let whatever that’s inside me hold on to you secretly as long as it wishes because if one day it ends up to be right, then I’ll proudly say that I always felt it. My visible actions won’t do the same. They’ll do what’s logical and retreat, announce their defeat and try not to have anything to do with you again, so it’s easier to let go. Who is going to be right; my actions or the feelings deep inside, the answer will be provided by time.

Decisions, Time and You

I decided to let go and let time decide the rest, what happens next, our destiny and all these sorts of things. Maybe you too can help time in its decision; with your words, with your actions, either or both, whatever you choose.

Why did I take this decision? I have been too smart my entire life to start a relationship I know would inevitably end. I avoided every possible choice that might end up with a heartbreak. I have managed to keep my heart solid and intact all those years, and I’m not willing to risk it now. I am not willing to feel stupid nor am I wiling to break my heart; not for you, not for anyone, not ever.

I don’t know if I love you or not. I don’t know if you’re the one or just another writing material. I can’t be so sure. Honestly, and I give it to you, you are the most confusing person I’ve ever met. You’re the only person I never understood and until now I still do not. I don’t know if I still have feelings for you or if I normally treat you. I don’t know if you still make my heart skip a beat and draw a constant smile on my face or if it’s something else that does so or if I even don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t exactly figure out how I feel nor how you do; and here I’ve reached the peak of confusion.

Time, make your judgement and take your decision. Whatever you bring upon me, prove to me, show me and clarify to me, I’m ready to accept it. I may not know how I feel or how he does, but at least I know I’m in peace with whatever happens now and whatever comes next, because I’ve done my part and now it’s in your hands and his to decide the rest.

I Just Love It

Each time I promise and swear that I’ll never try to see you again, I weaken up and forget what I said; I just can’t handle it. I miss you the few days I don’t see you. It’s like you’ve become my obsession, a part of my life that needs to be present, that makes my day feel complete, feel better. Seeing you literally takes my breath away and standing next to you, makes my heart skip a beat; and I just love it.

You’re the only one capable of making me feel happy and sad at the same time. You’re the only one who can release the romance within me from deep inside. You’re the only person who can turn my mood to its two extremes in happiness and misery, make me feel on top of the world then hit rock bottom at the same moment and you’re even capable of the opposite as well. And I just love it.

If only there was something to make you read all the words I write about you. If only I could let you hear how I speak of you. If only you had an idea of what I do just to see you. If only there was a way to let you know, that I’m on the verge of loving you. Yes I am, and that scares me a lot because you refuse to give me any sign to let me know how you feel, but instead you prefer to drive me crazy, and the sad thing is, I just love it.

Men

Men. Stupid, unpredictable, careless, heartless, incomprehensible and any negative adjective you can think of. I am serious. The only reason women are crazy is because men are stupid; the person who said this deserves a noble prize in wisdom.

Movies have been made and books have been written on “what women want?”and I don’t know why on Earth have no one decided to enlighten us and tell us “what the hell do men want?”. I have a good answer: to make us suffer. I believe men like to confuse us and send us mixed signals because they know we overthink, so they’d like to watch us suffer doing it. They like to mistreat us and let us underestimate ourselves so they could feel superior over us. They like to choose the bitches so we give up being good girls, and when we do, they make us feel like we are the evil ones here.

Why can’t they just be straightforward and open? Why can’t they just simply tell us what the hell do they want? Why can’t they be honest? (Yes, men have the ability to lie while they’re lying). I guess the whole point of this is to watch us suffer and go crazy and blame us for whatever goes wrong then.

Unfortunately we know men are the enemy, we hate what they do to us, yet we can’t help but love the enemy, in hope we find that one person from the other side that’s worth handling, that’s worth keeping, that’s worth loving, despite the endless insanity he’s going to bring upon us.

Let Me Know

Let’s agree that I’m falling deeply and I’m still not sure if you’ll catch me. I’m afraid to call what I have for you love when I have no idea about me how you think of. I need to know because the deeper I fall it’s harder for me to get up and get over, and I don’t want the first time for me to ever have such strong feelings to end up as a heartbreak, that is something that is going to be really hard for me to take. Give me a sign, let me know I’m doing fine or just leave me alone and let me know you want me gone. Let me know if I should continue falling safely, or stop right where I am and climb back with less injuries. Just let me know how do you think of me and put my restless mind at ease.

The Endless Struggle In My Head

Yes I promised not to talk about you for sometime and take a break for a while. Yes I swore to never try to see you anymore, and I’m trying my best so far. I decided to do all this as a desperate attempt to get you off my head. But I’ll be lying if I said I don’t think of you at all, because I do, and a lot too.

I’m trying to stay strong and not go see you but I can’t deny that in every face around me I search for you and in every step I take I pray to come across you, and believe it is the twist of faith and the power of destiny that made our paths intertwine, and made your eyes meet mine. Yes, I’m that hopeless.

I also can’t stop thinking about if I ever cross your mind, not necessarily as obsessively as you cross mine, but at least from time to time. I wonder if you have any kinds of feelings towards me, even if not with the same intensity. I imagine future situations and conversations, and I know I have high expectations, and reality will not be a dream come true; yet I can not help it.

You inexplicably control my mood. Your presence makes my day and talking to you makes me feel on top of the world. Your absence makes my heart grow fonder and makes me think of you even more. You know how to get on every single nerve I have when you do something that pisses me off. You know how to give me sudden and recurrent depression attacks that even chocolate can’t cure. You just mess up with my head in a way no one ever did. You’re the only mind I’ve failed to read, the only person who’s actions I can not interpret. I even think that someday you’ll come to me and make sense of all this mess and end the struggle going on in my head.

I know I sound desperate and again, hopeless. I am. And sometimes I think, maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I’m the one who’s making a big deal out of it. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if these feelings are genuine or are just the creations of my lovesick brain. I don’t know if it’s the challenge of deciphering your actions and interpreting your thoughts that keeps me going on. And in the peak of all these confusions, the only thought that gives me comfort, and for a while silences this endless struggle; is that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, I will be good eventually. I just have to wait and find out my destiny.

No One Is You

When I gave it a thought, why were you my first real crush and what is it about you that attracts me so much, I had no answer. If it’s your looks, I’ve known better looking people. If it’s your personality, I’ve met more charming ones. If it’s the way you treat me, there’s nothing so special about that, it even confuses me sometimes. If it is even all of these combined together, I’ve seen better combinations. I am not underestimating you or saying you’re not good enough or unworthy of the feelings toward you I have, I just don’t get it.

What is it about you that made me have feelings I’ve never had before, what is it about you that makes me ready to do it all, do things I never thought I would do, be someone else I never thought I’ll know, take all kinds of steps and risks, and wait just for a sign, one single sign to show me you might feel the same way I do towards you, or at least have something towards me that someday might grow, what the hell that is, I don’t know.

Just so you know, I don’t want someone better looking or more charismatic, i don’t one someone flawless or perfect, I just want you. And whenever I look at someone now and no matter how great they are, the first thing that comes to my mind is that they are not you. No one is, no one makes me feel the same way you do, no one makes my heart really skip a beat, no one makes me breathless literally, and it is in your hands for it to remain this way, because I have done all that I could do that there isn’t anything I could’ve done and didn’t do till now, so now it is all in your hands, now the choice is all yours, if you either want it to stay this way or want it to end and go away.

If You Love Me

If you love me and you’re sure of it (I hope so), I want you to say it to my face, no cute texts please. I want you to say it to me when I’m not at all expecting it because I really love surprises, but I don’t want you to make me wait for too long, because I hate waiting; yes I’m as impatient as a little kid, and that’s not the only childish trait in me.

If you love me, I don’t want you to get me expensive clothes and jewelry, I don’t want you with lots of gifts to pamper me, I don’t even want flowers that will die eventually. I just want you from time to time with something sweet to surprise me (again I love surprises), and get me chocolates because that would be the best thing to ever get me, and they will definitely make me really happy.

If you love me, I want you to handle my frequent mood swings, and know that at the peak of my fury I will laugh in a few seconds. And if I get into my occasional inexplicable depressions, get me chocolates or do something sweet and they will instantly end. You just need to be a little bit patient and tolerant.

If you love me, remind me every now and then. Through actions or words or even both; I don’t care. Just let me know it, because sometimes I need to be reassured.

If you love me, then by now you know that from you I won’t need much, and that for every bad moment you handle I will handle ten, and that no matter what, for you I will always be there. So if you love me, know that you’re the lucky one here, because no matter how much you love me, I will always love you more (just so we’re clear) because that’s who I am and I don’t mind that, and it seems fair enough for me to list a bunch of things I want.

The Choice

I have feelings and I act upon them. I give it a shot after another but what then. I get not a single sign, nothing solid to hold on to, nothing to give me hope to continue. At some
point as well I don’t even know if my own feelings are true. A huge part of me wishes if it never had met him, and another small one hopes there might be something. The huge part doesn’t want to see him anymore, and the small part doesn’t believe it can handle it. Inside me now occurs a huge battle, a great conflict. A constant inner fight between stopping or continuing, giving up or hoping, and a voice inside my head screaming “What If?”. What if you choose to continue and fail? What if you could’ve succeeded if you didn’t stop? And so the choice now is; to either live with the fear of failure and the thought of what could’ve been, or the fact that at least I tried my best even if I failed. So one more chance I’ll give it, one more time I will try, and the rest is up to him, what happens next is his decision; because by then I will have done my best, and that to me is more than enough to live with.

A Sign

All I need is a sign. Something to make me sleep at night. To stop the constant inside fight. To tell me I’m doing things right. To guide me and show me the light. To eliminate the possibility that most scares me; that he may not feel the same way like I do. And if he doesn’t, I need a sign to show me that too. So I know that I should back off before it’s too late to do so.

The Myth of Compatibility

I don’t know about you but I don’t believe being compatible or having good chemistry is a necessity for a successful relationship.

A lot of people rely on these factors and even set them as rules. For example if a couple likes the same kind of music and both love chocolate then they were sure meant to be. On the contrary if they have different personalities or different clothing styles then they are mostly incompatible and are threatened by failure. Seriously?! How many people do you know love listening to rock music and are addicted to chocolate? My guess is that my soulmates are everywhere then, and why I’m still single is not because I haven’t found one, but more likely because I don’t know which one to choose.

Okay, let’s get serious now. When you love someone you don’t actually love them because you have a lot in common. Opinions and thoughts might change and one day you may not have that much in common, so does that now threaten the love? This of course is not realistic and unreliable. Many people I have a lot in common with, to me are just friends. I also know couples who have barely anything in common, yet they still love each other; their differences somehow complement them and in someway as the cliché line says “they complete each other”.

Bottom line is there are no requirements and ground rules to determine the success of a relationship. Chemistry and compatibility in thoughts, personalities, and opinions; all that doesn’t matter. Not liking the same stuff or not having similar personalities does not mean a relationship is prone to failure nor does the opposite guarantee its success. Ignore the statistics and follow your heart because in my opinion compatibility is just a myth.

What happens next

I’ve been cheesy, I’ve been cute, I’ve been crazy, I’ve been somebody that I’m not, but then what? What happens next? Yes, I’m doing my best and putting too much effort on it, beyond anything I could’ve imagined, but what if there’s nothing? What if it doesn’t work? Just the thought of it scares me, kills me, and I just can’t process it. What do I do now? Stop thinking and let things happen? I can’t. It’s not something I can control. Try harder until I find out? But what if it all goes in vain? This time it’s going to be hard to get over because it will be ten times the normal pain. This time I’m the one who started having feelings with no solid ground or base, without knowing him well or knowing how toward me he feels, yet on trying and giving it a shot I still insisted. So what happens next?

What he does to me

What he does to me is not fair. What he does to me is starting to get me scared. He makes me nervous, speechless and when I open my mouth I mumble words I didn’t think of. I can’t hold eye contact with him for more than 10 seconds; looking straight into his eyes, even if through his glasses, makes me feel shy and again nervous. I love to listen to him talk and I remain silent not because I’m bored or uninterested but rather because I don’t want to interrupt him and keep his voice flowing in my ears. I love it when he tries to make me feel better about what I’m doing, tries to help me and give me hope, that I just wish I could keep failing to enjoy this some more. I love it when he remembers something I did or told him about, even if it was insignificant, it just makes me happy. He makes me laugh, even if he was making fun of me because I did something silly, I still laugh happily. He makes me count minutes left to see him, literally, and the moment I do, a smile across my face is instantly drawn. I do whatever it takes just to find a reason or an excuse to see him. I do the best I could and I’m willing to take all kinds of risks, I’m doing so already actually. What he does to me is driving me crazy, I don’t remember ever feeling this way before, not at all, not even close. All I want is an explanation for what he does to me, and to know how exactly do I make him feel.

Single

I’ve never been in a relationship. Ever. Sometimes thinking about it makes me feel sad, lonely and unwanted, especially that I’m 20 and my friends have been either moving from relationship to another, falling in love, or being loved, or both, and my biggest love story is with chocolate. Kind of desperate, isn’t it?

When I started working, some of the void in my heart was filled, and doing something I love made me feel like I don’t need anything else, that if I continued my life this way, Doing what I love, I’d be happy. It’s true actually. But what I also realised was that being single for 20 years doesn’t make me unwanted or isn’t because there’s something wrong with me. I mean I’m a catch people! I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m talented, I’m a magazine writer, I cook, I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m friendly, I’m a future dentist, I love football, I love reading, I have a great personality, and the list goes on. I know I might have sounded arrogant here but I’m just trying to say that it’s not me who there’s something wrong with, I know I’m not perfect but my merits beat my flaws.

The point here is that I’ve been single for 20 years because I chose it. What? How? I was smart enough to not take silly decisions and get as far as being in a relationship that I know won’t last. I know it when a guy is flirting with me but I choose to stop it before it evolves into something more because I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I chose to save all the emotions and drama to someone who deserves it, to someone I know I’ll spend forever with, to the only person I will really fall in love with, to the one. And how the hell am I going to find out without taking the risk? I’m not sure yet but maybe I’ll just know because if we are meant to be we will be. And so until then I’m single, happy and proud, until the one comes and decides to change that.

The Power of Music

To many, music is some background noise to keep them from being bored. To me, music is so much more.

I believe a song can change your mood. If you have a bad day but you play your favorite song for a while, the world doesn’t seem to be such a very bad place after all, and somehow you feel better even if only for the couple of minutes the song is played. Because even if I was crying my eyes out, the moment Shinedown’s Unity or Miracle plays, I unconsciously smile and gradually I stop crying and feel better. The total opposite happens when I listen to Nickelback’s Far away or the Fray’s How to save a life. Even if I was laughing my heart out, somehow the laughter stops and the smile is gone. I remember the first time I heard far away I cried. Because that’s what music is capable of.

There is that song you can relate to and make you feel on top of the world or heal your broken heart. That song that feels like it was made for you, that says what you always wanted to say and maybe at some point tells you what should you do. Sometimes even if you can’t fully relate to it you wish you did, and just believing someday you’ll be there makes you feel a lot better.

There is also that song that lifts your spirit and makes you want to jump off your feet and conquer the world, or at least that’s how Aerosmith’s Dream on, The Script’s Hall of fame, AC/DC’s It’s a long way to the top and Shinedown’s Diamond eyes make me feel. Yes a song can totally motivate you more than a cheerleader squad, and make you feel, even if for a while, that you can do it and that nothing is impossible. Try that studying for exams or before a job interview, it totally works.

Okay when you walk through the streets and your headphones are on and you’re isolated from what’s around you, like you’re in a world of your own, or more like you own the world, haven’t you ever felt that before? Because if you haven’t, I assure you you’re missing a lot because that feeling is priceless and music of course can provide it.

Trust me if you listen to the right music with good lyrics, with meaning and purpose, you can truly feel the power of music and how can a song affect you, and maybe even change your life at some point, just don’t underestimate it. And that’s why to me ultimate euphoria is chocolate, music and a good book; but we’ll get to the books part later on.

What is it?

When just seeing you, to make my day is enough; some call it true love. And when my heart at your sight irregularly beats; I’m not sure what that means. When I do things I’ve never done before, things to never do I’ve sworn, to others may seem normal but to me extreme, doing whatever it takes just to see you again; I think I might have gone insane. When everyone doesn’t see you like I do, when I don’t want to change a single thing about you; tell me what does that tell you. I don’t know what the hell this is, but I know it’s something for the first time I’m going through, something I’m sure I’ve never felt before, something only God knows what exactly it is. I don’t want to get too overwhelmed, I just want to know what is it. I don’t want to believe it’s something big when it might be just a fling. I just want to get to know you more, so I can know for sure, if it’s finally the real deal, or just a major crush after all.

Is it?

The obsession is growing, the fantasies are evolving, the thoughts are overwhelming, and a crush is developing. It’s not the first time I know, for me to have such feelings, and for them to grow, and in a couple of months they disappear, like nothing ever happened here. Maybe it happened so fast this time, maybe the intensity is high, and maybe I’m willing to do some effort and give it a try, but that doesn’t make it any more genuine, or make us sure of anything. And the question still remains, is it finally true love, or is it just another writing material?

Go Fuck Yourselves!

You’re good, they call you naïve;
You’re kind, they call you stupid;
You’re honest, they call you mean; You open up, they tell you to not bother them; You keep it in, they tell you, you need to let things out; You try to make everyone happy, they tell you, you can’t; You mind your own business, they call you ignorant; You always tell them how you feel, they call you oversensitive; You pretend you don’t care, they call you cold hearted.

It’s not just about your personality. The way you dress, the way you walk, the way you talk, who you talk to, what you love to do, everything you do, everything, has a way of being wrong or misinterpreted or twisted into something else, maybe even something you never actually thought of. No matter how good your intentions are, or no matter how big your heart is, no matter how innocent you are, or no matter how simple you think, they will still find a way to complicate it, make it harder and make you feel not good enough, that there is always something about you that needs to change and when you change it, they’ll either find a way to tell you it’s not enough or ask you to change something else, because they never will be pleased.

Bottom line is, no matter what you do, people will find a way to judge you, criticise you, and prove you wrong. So what should you do? Tell them to go fuck themselves because honestly you couldn’t care less.