I Just Love It

Each time I promise and swear that I’ll never try to see you again, I weaken up and forget what I said; I just can’t handle it. I miss you the few days I don’t see you. It’s like you’ve become my obsession, a part of my life that needs to be present, that makes my day feel complete, feel better. Seeing you literally takes my breath away and standing next to you, makes my heart skip a beat; and I just love it.

You’re the only one capable of making me feel happy and sad at the same time. You’re the only one who can release the romance within me from deep inside. You’re the only person who can turn my mood to its two extremes in happiness and misery, make me feel on top of the world then hit rock bottom at the same moment and you’re even capable of the opposite as well. And I just love it.

If only there was something to make you read all the words I write about you. If only I could let you hear how I speak of you. If only you had an idea of what I do just to see you. If only there was a way to let you know, that I’m on the verge of loving you. Yes I am, and that scares me a lot because you refuse to give me any sign to let me know how you feel, but instead you prefer to drive me crazy, and the sad thing is, I just love it.

Men

Men. Stupid, unpredictable, careless, heartless, incomprehensible and any negative adjective you can think of. I am serious. The only reason women are crazy is because men are stupid; the person who said this deserves a noble prize in wisdom.

Movies have been made and books have been written on “what women want?”and I don’t know why on Earth have no one decided to enlighten us and tell us “what the hell do men want?”. I have a good answer: to make us suffer. I believe men like to confuse us and send us mixed signals because they know we overthink, so they’d like to watch us suffer doing it. They like to mistreat us and let us underestimate ourselves so they could feel superior over us. They like to choose the bitches so we give up being good girls, and when we do, they make us feel like we are the evil ones here.

Why can’t they just be straightforward and open? Why can’t they just simply tell us what the hell do they want? Why can’t they be honest? (Yes, men have the ability to lie while they’re lying). I guess the whole point of this is to watch us suffer and go crazy and blame us for whatever goes wrong then.

Unfortunately we know men are the enemy, we hate what they do to us, yet we can’t help but love the enemy, in hope we find that one person from the other side that’s worth handling, that’s worth keeping, that’s worth loving, despite the endless insanity he’s going to bring upon us.

Let Me Know

Let’s agree that I’m falling deeply and I’m still not sure if you’ll catch me. I’m afraid to call what I have for you love when I have no idea about me how you think of. I need to know because the deeper I fall it’s harder for me to get up and get over, and I don’t want the first time for me to ever have such strong feelings to end up as a heartbreak, that is something that is going to be really hard for me to take. Give me a sign, let me know I’m doing fine or just leave me alone and let me know you want me gone. Let me know if I should continue falling safely, or stop right where I am and climb back with less injuries. Just let me know how do you think of me and put my restless mind at ease.

The Endless Struggle In My Head

Yes I promised not to talk about you for sometime and take a break for a while. Yes I swore to never try to see you anymore, and I’m trying my best so far. I decided to do all this as a desperate attempt to get you off my head. But I’ll be lying if I said I don’t think of you at all, because I do, and a lot too.

I’m trying to stay strong and not go see you but I can’t deny that in every face around me I search for you and in every step I take I pray to come across you, and believe it is the twist of faith and the power of destiny that made our paths intertwine, and made your eyes meet mine. Yes, I’m that hopeless.

I also can’t stop thinking about if I ever cross your mind, not necessarily as obsessively as you cross mine, but at least from time to time. I wonder if you have any kinds of feelings towards me, even if not with the same intensity. I imagine future situations and conversations, and I know I have high expectations, and reality will not be a dream come true; yet I can not help it.

You inexplicably control my mood. Your presence makes my day and talking to you makes me feel on top of the world. Your absence makes my heart grow fonder and makes me think of you even more. You know how to get on every single nerve I have when you do something that pisses me off. You know how to give me sudden and recurrent depression attacks that even chocolate can’t cure. You just mess up with my head in a way no one ever did. You’re the only mind I’ve failed to read, the only person who’s actions I can not interpret. I even think that someday you’ll come to me and make sense of all this mess and end the struggle going on in my head.

I know I sound desperate and again, hopeless. I am. And sometimes I think, maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I’m the one who’s making a big deal out of it. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know if these feelings are genuine or are just the creations of my lovesick brain. I don’t know if it’s the challenge of deciphering your actions and interpreting your thoughts that keeps me going on. And in the peak of all these confusions, the only thought that gives me comfort, and for a while silences this endless struggle; is that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, I will be good eventually. I just have to wait and find out my destiny.

No One Is You

When I gave it a thought, why were you my first real crush and what is it about you that attracts me so much, I had no answer. If it’s your looks, I’ve known better looking people. If it’s your personality, I’ve met more charming ones. If it’s the way you treat me, there’s nothing so special about that, it even confuses me sometimes. If it is even all of these combined together, I’ve seen better combinations. I am not underestimating you or saying you’re not good enough or unworthy of the feelings toward you I have, I just don’t get it.

What is it about you that made me have feelings I’ve never had before, what is it about you that makes me ready to do it all, do things I never thought I would do, be someone else I never thought I’ll know, take all kinds of steps and risks, and wait just for a sign, one single sign to show me you might feel the same way I do towards you, or at least have something towards me that someday might grow, what the hell that is, I don’t know.

Just so you know, I don’t want someone better looking or more charismatic, i don’t one someone flawless or perfect, I just want you. And whenever I look at someone now and no matter how great they are, the first thing that comes to my mind is that they are not you. No one is, no one makes me feel the same way you do, no one makes my heart really skip a beat, no one makes me breathless literally, and it is in your hands for it to remain this way, because I have done all that I could do that there isn’t anything I could’ve done and didn’t do till now, so now it is all in your hands, now the choice is all yours, if you either want it to stay this way or want it to end and go away.

If You Love Me

If you love me and you’re sure of it (I hope so), I want you to say it to my face, no cute texts please. I want you to say it to me when I’m not at all expecting it because I really love surprises, but I don’t want you to make me wait for too long, because I hate waiting; yes I’m as impatient as a little kid, and that’s not the only childish trait in me.

If you love me, I don’t want you to get me expensive clothes and jewelry, I don’t want you with lots of gifts to pamper me, I don’t even want flowers that will die eventually. I just want you from time to time with something sweet to surprise me (again I love surprises), and get me chocolates because that would be the best thing to ever get me, and they will definitely make me really happy.

If you love me, I want you to handle my frequent mood swings, and know that at the peak of my fury I will laugh in a few seconds. And if I get into my occasional inexplicable depressions, get me chocolates or do something sweet and they will instantly end. You just need to be a little bit patient and tolerant.

If you love me, remind me every now and then. Through actions or words or even both; I don’t care. Just let me know it, because sometimes I need to be reassured.

If you love me, then by now you know that from you I won’t need much, and that for every bad moment you handle I will handle ten, and that no matter what, for you I will always be there. So if you love me, know that you’re the lucky one here, because no matter how much you love me, I will always love you more (just so we’re clear) because that’s who I am and I don’t mind that, and it seems fair enough for me to list a bunch of things I want.

The Choice

I have feelings and I act upon them. I give it a shot after another but what then. I get not a single sign, nothing solid to hold on to, nothing to give me hope to continue. At some
point as well I don’t even know if my own feelings are true. A huge part of me wishes if it never had met him, and another small one hopes there might be something. The huge part doesn’t want to see him anymore, and the small part doesn’t believe it can handle it. Inside me now occurs a huge battle, a great conflict. A constant inner fight between stopping or continuing, giving up or hoping, and a voice inside my head screaming “What If?”. What if you choose to continue and fail? What if you could’ve succeeded if you didn’t stop? And so the choice now is; to either live with the fear of failure and the thought of what could’ve been, or the fact that at least I tried my best even if I failed. So one more chance I’ll give it, one more time I will try, and the rest is up to him, what happens next is his decision; because by then I will have done my best, and that to me is more than enough to live with.