All The Love I Have Inside

Sometimes, the thought that all that love I have unused inside my heart might be given to someone unworthy, scares me. So I clutch it tight in my chest and hold on to it with all my might. And then the thought of all that love never being given to anyone, scares me even more. Don’t get me wrong, I give away love to everything and everyone that I cross paths with, but there’s this special reservoir I have saved for that one person I haven’t even met yet, and I’m afraid I either use it up on someone wrong or never get to use it at all.

I’ve lasted for so long without using it. I may have let it leak for a while, but I never let it flow, always knowing when to seal it tight, and so I never regretted letting some of it go. I might spill some of it along the way, but it will always be there in full capacity. I’m just afraid it is too late and I give up on using it, that I start spilling it everywhere and when finally that person comes, they’re left with nothing, and all that love that has been saved forever for them, will be gone. But I also believe, if I was capable of holding all that love in for so long, then I can start all over again when it’s gone, I can start all over again when I have a motive right in front of me to fill myself up again, maybe even to adequately fit this one person that time.

So dear person who’s supposed to be the love of my life, my soulmate, or whatever they call it nowadays, I have love enough to last you in all your lifetimes in all the universes in all the timelines, and if it’s not enough, don’t worry for I am a bottomless well of emotions. Not only will you be loved endlessly and unconditionally, but you will also be lucky enough to be loved eternally, to exist in words, in poetry, to be everlastingly portrayed as art for the whole world to see. And that my love, that is just one of the perks of being loved by me. So whoever you are, wherever you are, you’re one lucky person and I’m sure I will be one, too. And even if I never get to meet you, know that you were going to be loved more than you ever imagined. And if you don’t exist, then at least I know I had it in me to give so much love.

Now everyone, go sleep knowing that someone out there loves you enough to write about you before even knowing you exist, or thinks about you when imagining happy moments of the future. You are loved more than you can ever imagine, and I hope one day you all get to feel it.

—Nada Shahin

Artwork by Erika Kuhn